Page 10 of Savage Love

When I had thought about what it would be like to have children, I had determined that I wanted to be a good mother. But I hadn’t really ever thought about what that would look like. What it wouldmean.

Isabella’s voice is still raised, telling Niall to call Levintoday, not to tell him why, just to get him here so that I can tell him myself. It’s what I want, I think—to tell Levin in person, but I’m still more than a little annoyed that Isabella didn’t actually ask me. She just decided that was how he should find out.

It doesn’t matter. You have bigger things to worry about right now than your sister being a know-it-all.

Like what I’m going to do.

“We’ll figure this out.” Isabella’s voice from behind me makes me jump, as if she read my mind. “You obviously can stay here for as long as you want or need. If you want to stay here forever, well, then Aisling will just grow up with her little cousin. It’s going to be okay, Elena. I’ll take care of you.”

My eyes well up with tears all over again–tears that I really thought would have run dry by now–both because for all my sister’s high-handedness, I appreciate her being here for me, and because as much as Idoappreciate it, it’s not her that I want taking care of me right now.

I want Levin.

“Niall is going to call him,” Isabella says, once again as if she’s read my thoughts, coming to sit down next to me. “He’ll be here just as soon as he can get on a plane, if he knows what’s good for him. And then the two of you can have a talk.”

She squeezes my hand, leaning back on the couch next to me, and goes blessedly silent for a moment. I want the quiet, the chance to try to unravel my racing thoughts, but it doesn’t do much good. I have no idea what comes next.

A part of me, a small, secret part that I can’t admit to anyone, feels a thrill at the idea of him coming back. I want to see him again more than anything in the world. Before today, I would have said that I’d give anything, do anything to make that happen.

Now, I might change that to almost anything. The thought of seeing Levin walk through the front door, here to see me, sends a flush of excitement through me like the buzzing of electricity, turning me into a live wire of anxiety and anticipation.

But this wasn’t how I wanted it to happen. This wasn’t what I wanted the reason to be for us seeing each other again—something that makes him have to come back. If he came back for me, I wanted it to be because he couldn’t stay away. Because he needs me as much as I need him.

What if this could change things? What if this could make it so that we can be together–so he can see that we could be happy?

As soon as I think it, I push it away. I don’t want him to think that I somehow did this on purpose, that I ignored everything he ever told me about how he couldn’t commit to someone again after losing his wife, about what I learned from Vasquez that his child died with her, that I didn’t care about any of that and instead decided to make sure I could have what I wanted.

I don’t want us to be together because he thinks he doesn’t have any other choice. But if we could be—

I don’t really think Levin will see this as some kind of trap—but I feel embarrassed anyway, for not anticipating it, for letting myself pretend that we could keep being reckless without there ever being a consequence. Even as innocent as I am, I knew better. I just didn’t let myself think about it. I wanted him more than I wanted to be smart about what we were doing.

I should have guessed this would happen.It feels like a shock, but I know it shouldn’t. We weren’t careful, not even once. And I was an idiot to think I’d get away with it scot-free.

I just never imagined that this was how the story was going to end.

Levin

“Ididn’t have any intention of coming back to Boston for a while–”

I’d picked up the phone immediately when Niall called, assuming it had either something to do with Elena or Kings’ business—unsure which one I hoped it was. I wanted to hear about Elena, but something told me that he wouldn’t call unless something was wrong, especially considering her sister’s opinion of me. From the tone of his voice, I have a feeling that’s the case—especially since he won’t actually tell me what’s going on.

“You need to get here.” Niall’s voice has a touch of urgency in it that I rarely hear, and it sends a wave of unease through me.

Is Elena alright? The question is on the tip of my tongue, and I have to bite it back. Asking so urgently would only raise suspicions that won’t do either of us any good. If it is about her, I’ll find out shortly. Not the time to drop the poker face, Volkov.

“Is there a problem?” I sit down heavily on my couch, looking at the stack of files staring at me from across the coffee table. So far, over the past weeks, Viktor has taken my recommendations and given me new ones to peruse without actually giving me much todo. I’ve spent some time training recruits at the firing range and on the martial arts floor in the gym, but it hasn’t approached the rigorous schedule I used to keep. I know he thinks I need a break, but it’s been too long. I’m ready to be finished with the vacation part of my return to New York.

“Things aren’t good,” Niall says darkly. “Just—come to Boston, Levin. The first plane you can grab. Hell, Viktor’s plane, if he’ll let you. You need to be here.”

“Is this Kings’ business? If so, I should tell Viktor what’s going on–”

“It doesn’t concern him. You’ll get your questions answered. Justgethere, alright?”

It’s not like Niall to be so cagey. I feel certain it has to do with Elena, which leaves me with a sick pit in my stomach as I hang up and go about starting to book a flight—I’m not about to ask Viktor for the use of his plane and deal with all the questions that would go along with that, especially since I don’t actually have any answers. I know Niall well, and his manner has me feeling as if all my fears have been confirmed.

Is she sick? Something worse?I know it was difficult for her to accept that I was leaving, but I was certain that she would get over it in time. More quickly than she thought, even. Boston is a huge city, full of diversions, friends for her to make and men for her to date, and although the thought of her with anyone else for a dinner out made me feel possessively, furiously angry, let alone—

I cut off that thought before it can go any further, as I have every time it’s come up over the past weeks. I have no right to jealousy, no right to think of Elena as anyone other than someone in my past, who has every right to a future of her own. Certainly not someone I get to be possessive over. Not when she was never really mine—and I made that clear to her.

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