Page 69 of Crown of Bliss

It takes me a second to understand. He’s speaking as if he’s picking up a conversation we stopped earlier. “Did you find any?”

“I thought I did.”

“Must’ve been nice,” I murmur, burrowing closer.

“It wasn’t. Those were hard years. They’re still hard years.” He sounds far away, like I’m running from him down a tunnel. “I’ve done bad things, Renata. I need you to know that.”

“If this is the part where you confess to murder, don’t bother. I’ve seen the bodies already. Well, one anyway.”

He takes a deep breath and lets it out. “You should care more than you do.”

“Why? We’ve all done things. Well, I haven’t killed anyone, but still.”

“I was a mercenary.” He pauses, kisses my hair. “I’mstilla mercenary. That means I take the jobs as they come, regardless of who’s doing the hiring.”

That gets my attention. “I thought you worked for the government?”

“Which one?” he asks, sounding exhausted. “I’ve done work for them all. Good guys, bad guys. Some very bad guys. The only organizations that want to hire men like me aren’t out helping people.”

“Why take the jobs?” I ask, genuinely curious.

“Adventure,” he admits. “It was a game to me. Chess pieces on a board. I preferred working for the US Government and its allies, but that’s not always how things shook out. I broke laws, helped regimes I shouldn’t have helped, did things that would make you disgusted.”

“Why are you telling me all this?” I close my eyes, breathing his smell. “You don’t have to confess your sins to me, Lanzo. They’re yours to keep.”

“Maybe I’m unburdening myself,” he says, sounding thoughtful. “Confession is itself a kind of therapy. Mostly, I want you to know, because if we’re going to keep doing this, I want you to be aware of what I am. And what I’ve done.”

I chew on my lip. I’m starting to wake up a bit. I raise my chin, looking at him in the darkness. “Is this a continuation of our girlfriend-boyfriend conversation from earlier?”

“Yes,” he says. “Which you rudely interrupted.”

“I’m pretty sure you’re the one that did all the interrupting. With your fingers.”

“In two of three holes. Keep talking and I’ll make it all three next time.”

A little thrill runs into my chest. “Promise?” I ask.

He growls, shaking his head. “You kill me. I just admitted to doing terrible things, and you’re thinking about me putting my fingers in your mouth while I fuck your ass.”

“And my pussy, don’t forget.” I shiver, kissing his bare chest. “I don’t care about any of that. I came to a decision tonight and I’m going to stick by it.”

“Yeah? What’s that?”

“I’m living in the moment.”

He laughs. “Really?”

“Don’t sound so surprised. I can be shockingly Zen.”

“I’m sure, but come on, Ren.” He sounds dubious. Not that I can blame him. I’ve been a little ball of anxiety since he met me.

“I mean it. When we’re alone and doing this, I’m not going to let my brain take me to a million different places. I’m not going to worry about the future or the past. What you might’ve done, what might happen, none of it matters when we’re together. We have this.” I kiss his chest again.

He sighs. “That fucking kills me.”

“Yeah? Your heart’s still beating. You’ll be okay, big guy.”

“Brat.”

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