His death changed nothing for me.
Except that these days, I couldn’t sleep.
I wasn’t sure exactly when my insomnia started because I’d always been a light and inconsistent sleeper since I was a kid. But now it had gotten much worse. It was to the point where I couldn’t fall asleep at night, even with the lights on. Unless there was someone else around. When I was alone at night, my thoughts became too loud and I couldn’t take it. Every time I shut my eyes, I would see him or my mom. They would haunt me, telling me what a failure I was.
Only with someone else in my bed do the thoughts die down.
When I was still dating Mateo, at least he would hold me, and I could fall asleep that way. But now, I often didn’t sleep until daybreak, which sucked because work typically started at 9. I’d begged my boss, Erwin, to give me all night shifts, but he’d refused.
It was to the point where I was resorting to sleeping pills, but they were making me groggy, and I felt completely awful in the morning. Not to mention I always felt like a zombie throughout the day as a result.
“Hello? Earth to Tillie.”
I snapped back into awareness to see Brenda snapping her fingers at me. “Where did you go just now?”
I shook my head. “Nowhere, just…thinking.” I sighed. “Do you really think I was in the wrong?”
“Big time,” she said, taking another sip of her drink. “And if you ask me, I think you owe your hot neighbor an apology.”
I nodded, accepting that it was my fault, even though I was dreading having to go to him and apologize. Just remembering his cold eyes and the way he’d looked at me… It was like I’d disappointed him in some way by just being me. It was irritating, even though I shouldn’t give a fuck about that. He was nobody to me, and I was nobody to him.
Just then, the full magnitude of what Brenda said hit me the second time around.
“Wait, how did you know my neighbor was hot?” I asked, frowning.
She gave me a secretive smile. “I saw him when I went over to your house last week.”
“You were at my house?”
“Yup,” she nodded. “Mateo needed to go in and get a few of his things with my spare key.”
“You let him into my house when I wasn’t there?”
“Relax, I was there the entire time. He didn’t do anything,” she replied casually. “Wait, what’s going on with the two of you? You guys are broken up, right?”
“Yeah,” I said with a nod. “But I’m not entirely sure he understands that. He’s still calling me and coming over and then asking me to take him back. It’s insufferable.” Mateo wasn’t the best boyfriend, but I wouldn’t lie and say I wasn’t tempted to take him back, even if just to have someone to sleep next to. It was pathetic that it had gotten to this point, but I was getting pretty desperate. “You think I should give him another chance?”
“No, don’t,” Brenda said instantly. “He’s a loser.”
“Yeah,” I said in agreement. “Hey, can I sleep over at your place tonight?”
Brenda shook her head. “No, sorry, I have to do something tonight. And especially not with that dog of yours. Still can’t sleep?”
I shook my head. I’d told her a little about my sleep issues, so she nodded in understanding.
“You should just masturbate. That always helps me.”
“Gross,” I said with a laugh as she merely shrugged.
But later that night, after I’d lain awake staring at the ceiling for hours, I started to wonder. My brain started to wander, too, remembering my hot neighbor and the feel of his body against mine. His arms, holding me firmly, the strength in them. His scent, his heartbeat.
I imagined him now holding me in bed as my hand wandered to my pussy. I thought about his chest pressing down on me, his hand wrapped around my body, making me feel safe and protected from the world. It was his hand on my clit, moving gently and slowly, his fingers thrusting into my wet heat.
I gyrated as the pressure built, my imagination running wild as pure pleasure drove me, a drive for release. My toes curled, heels digging into the bed. Pretty quickly, I was close to the peak, so damn close.
And then I bit off a scream and came with an embarrassing rush of moisture.
My body settled back languorously in bed, nerves still tingling and relaxed from the release.