Page 138 of Grin and Bear It

And somehow that was more reassuring than anything anyone could ever say. So I ended up ensconced on their couch, snuggled into a too soft blanket by Tyson’s side.

“Not sure if Tyson’s the right guy for the job,” Lin complained. “I’m a much better snuggler.”

“I’ll need more when you get home,” I assured him, though the croak of my voice had the others frowning.

“Look after my mate,” Cole said, walking over to kiss me goodbye, his fingers playing over the now sensitive mark on my neck.

“You’re gonna rub that in all fucking day, aren’t ya?” Nash grumbled.

“Fuck yeah, I am.” Cole shot me a wink. “Now, let’s make our mate’s house look amazing for her.”

Maybe I thoughtI’d be different. Maybe I’d assumed that all of my neurospiciness would resolve with a mate bond. It didn’t. They couldn’t ‘fix’ me anymore than I could fix them, but we complemented each other, that was something I was going to discover. Tyson was a quiet, peaceful presence at my side, supplying me with a constant stream of super sweet tea and biscuits that he cooked from scratch, and that, as well as crappy TV, helped re-centre me, allowing my body to recalibrate, get back on track.

After that we created a routine, getting up early five days a week to work on my house, but with some caveats. I wasn’t forced to function on someone else’s schedule, so if I was having a bad morning, I could linger a little longer over breakfast, fully wake up before meeting the day, ready to wield a paintbrush under Cole’s expert eye. I could move with my own body clock, rather than live under the tyranny of my phone alarms.

I watched the boys carefully. The situation we were in currently wasn’t a long term solution. They needed to be in school or in training, but school holidays gave us a little out for a while, letting us find our feet. It wasn’t all smooth sailing for the twins either. Some of their old school ‘friends’ decided to turn on them, taunting them about what had happened, about me, about everything and the only clue we’d get was when there was a return to the withdrawn, cranky boys of before. We’d had to dig a bit, much to their disgust, until we found out why. Then it was making a decision as a family, to block certain people, take social media breaks, and report shitty posts and comments to protect their mental health.

When the school holidays were done, I worked with the distance education people to set up a temporary program with the boys until the school could be built. The guys still went to my house every day to finish work on it, but Colleen and I went there less and less. Initially to give the guys space to work on it and then because… Coll wasn’t obligated to be there to make sure I was functioning, and I didn’t go there because I had a secret, one I didn’t want to share with the guys when they were so intent on making the house over.

“It’s done,”Nash said one day, walking into the kitchen as I battled with the boys to get their maths work done. It was a case of the blind leading the blind, but we still tried. Tyson slid into a nearby chair, looking over our work and effortlessly explaining our mistakes, as I stared at Nash.

“It’s done?”

“The house is done,” he confirmed. “At least, we think it is.” He held out an arm for me to take, and I got up reluctantly from the table.

“I’ve got this,” Tyson said, urging me to go.

“Yeah, sorry Ellie, but Uncle Ty is gonna be more help than you are with this work,” Knox said.

“Thanks.” I shot him a dark look, but ended up smiling. “Well, OK, show me what you guys have been working on.”

“So, remember that you can change anything.” Lin had rushed over the minute we walked up my driveway and I didn’t reply because the difference was stark.

Garden beds had been dug up and replaced, pretty flowers growing now in freshly turned earth. Trees had been neatly trimmed back and turf had been laid, turning what had been patchy grass into something thick and green. The driveway had even been excavated, replaced with neat sandy coloured pavers and, as we walked up, I saw the completion of Cole’s work on the exterior of the house. It was all a uniform, fresh warm grey colour now, the trims a blinding white. The front door had been removed and replaced with a new timber one with fancy glass insets. Lin bounded forward to open it, before escorting us inside.

“So, what do you think?” Nash asked, watching me closely as I stepped inside.

I couldn’t say anything, despite feeling the need to. Like the words were there, so very many of them, rising, rising, ready to be spilled out, but everywhere I turned, there was newness.

“I had to paint the walls a lot lighter colour,” Cole said, indicating the interior. “The tiles we laid are a darker grey so we—”

“They’re granite,” Lin interjected. “Long wearing and tough and most importantly, level.” He scuffed his toe against the stone tiles. “No more furniture catching on the edges of uneven tiles.”

“Ty changed out all of the lights,” Nash said, showing me the new ceiling, complete with subtle down lights, rather than dated pendant lighting. “And there’s a new air conditioning and heating unit in every room.”

“New kitchen,” Lin said, puffing up at that. “I did this bit and this…” He grabbed my hand and led me into the dining room. “I made these for you.”

He went over and opened a series of drawers, because there were cupboards everywhere now. Low and made from a stylish subtly patterned laminate, he opened each one and that’s when I saw it. Each one of my doom piles had found a permanent home. Obviously having taken Coll’s idea and run with it, Lin took me into the kitchen, then the lounge room, making pains to show me all of the places I could deposit my unconventional organisation of my stuff.

“This is freaking amazing.” Colleen strolled out of her room, Dale in tow. “Like this is beyond my expectations of what the house would ever look like. Nash, you and the guys are amazing.” The man himself flushed at that. “I would never have thought the old place could be transformed like this.”

“But what do you think?” Cole asked, peering into my eyes. That felt like too much, too intrusive right now, even though they deserved every bit of appreciation, every response from me. They’d put in so much work and I…

I didn’t want it.

Not the gesture. That was beyond sweet what they had done for me. They’d gone beyond refurbishing the place and modernising it. They’d purpose built it for me, and somehow that felt wrong. Not because I didn’t feel worth it. Hanging out with bear shifters? It was a wonder for the self-esteem, for sure, but…

“I…”

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