Page 37 of Montana Silence

Wasn’t good enough.

Tears were streaming down my face, and as I came down, I could hear myself sobbing, the awful sounds of heaving echoing off the walls.

“Mara?” Liam’s voice filled the bathroom.

His hands brushed down my spine and pulled back my hair. “You’re all right,” he said. “You’re okay. You’re safe.”

I spat into the toilet and flushed it. My body was empty for now, but I felt so sick, my body aching, weak enough that I was shaking. “I can go back in,” I said weakly.

The truth was, I wasn’t sure. But we’d come all this way, and I was such a failure… I didn’t want it to end like this. Liam shook his head. “The lawyers were arguing. They sent him back to prison and postponed everything. The panel wants to talk it over.”

“Because of me?”

He was crouched in front of me. “They didn’t say. All they said was they needed time to reassess things.”

I looked down. “Okay.”

It wasn’t okay. None of this was okay. But what else was there to do?

“Let’s get out of here,” Liam said. “Are you okay to stand?”

I took his hand, and it was mostly his strength lifting me up. Quickly, I went to the sink and rinsed out my mouth. It was still gross, but better.

Liam was with me as I stepped out, and Claire was there waiting. She looked resigned. “You told me you were ready, Mara.” Her voice wasn’t unkind, but neither was it sympathetic.

I shook my head. How did I tell her I thought I’d been ready? I really did think I was, and I’d never been more wrong.

“We’ll see. His lawyer might try to spin this as a way to ensure his release. Like we were stalling. Just throwing false things at them to keep him in prison.”

“What?” Liam said. “That isn’t what happened, and it was pretty clear.”

“Clear doesn’t mean anything in situations like these.”

“They should see a woman, who has detailed history with the man, unable to speak. Because of whathedid. Not anything else.”

Claire was glaring at Liam. “I agree. But just because it’s what theyshouldsee doesn’t mean it’s what theywillsee. And right now, it’s a coin flip about what they’ll decide. But I guess I’ll let you know.”

She turned and started walking away.

“I’m sorry.”

When she turned, her face was a little softer. “I know you are.”

She disappeared around a corner, and I sighed. I was uncomfortable in my own skin. Everything I’d been afraid of had happened. The only good thing was that, for the moment, Malcolm was still in prison. But it wasn’t a guarantee, and even my lawyer was disappointed in me.

Malcolm was probably over the moon. It didn’t make me feel any better.

Liam pulled me close and kissed my temple. “Let’s go,” he said quietly. “You don’t need to stay here anymore.”

He was right. We didn’t need to stay here. I wasn’t doing anyone any good anyway.

* * *

I went straightinto my room when we got back to the hotel. The doors between the rooms were shut because of Liam and me getting dressed this morning, and I didn’t open mine.

Instead, I curled up on the bed and stared at the wall. Liam told me he was there for whatever I needed, but I didn’t know what I needed.

All I felt was failure. The one thing I could do to help, and I didn’t do it. So much worse than it had been before. I barely remembered the first time in court with Malcolm. I only had impressions of fear, brightness, and urgency.

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