Page 47 of Montana Freedom

Daniel looked at me then. “It’s onme, Emma. I’m the one who made the call and trusted him, even though the information, looking back, was too specific and detailed. Even though it was the easiest infiltration we’d ever had, with no resistance. It should have dawned on me it was a trap. Nearly forty people dead. Because of me.

“So yes, I’m broken. I clearly don’t have the best judgment, and especially since you’re actively in danger, I need to keep a clear head so I can keep you alive. I already thought you might be dead, and my dreams wouldn’t fucking leave me alone. Ican’thave your face be one more life on my conscience, Emma. I can’t do it.”

He was halfway back across the room, chest heaving and eyes wild like he was back in that place with the shooting and the explosions, and I wanted to wrap my arms around him. But I didn’t.

“And that’s why you won’t be with me?” I asked softly. “Because you’re afraid of what might happen?”

“Yes.”

I stood up slowly, sensing he was still partly in the past. “Should I have known Simon was some kind of drug kingpin?”

“What?” Daniel blinked, the jump in topic throwing him and breaking him out of the hold his memories had on him. “No, of course not.”

“The person who claimed to be my father integrated himself into my life, made me feel loved, paid for my school, gave me a job, and basically saved me after my mother died. He did all those things, and I was convinced I was in an amazing, wonderful place—until it fell apart in an hour. If I shouldn’t have been able to tell he was one of the worst people on this planet, then why would you think you should have been able to do the same?”

Daniel stared at me, his expression unmoving.

“You said you’d been working with him for years and it was all perfect. He did that, not you. You had absolutely no reason not to trust him, and so you did what made sense in the moment. You made the decision with the information you had at the time, just like everyone does every single day.”

I took one step toward him and then another. He still didn’t move, looking at me like I was both his end and his salvation. Once again, Ifeltthe hunger he wouldn’t admit.

“I know it doesn’t make it easier, or the fact that so many people died better, but you don’t bear the responsibility for something you hadno reason to knowany more than I do. And yes, I’ll be struggling with it forever, just like you will. I’ve decided to talk to Dr. Rayne while I’m here.”

Daniel suddenly unfroze from the pose he’d taken, running both hands through his hair. “That’s great. I’m glad.”

“I’m not done,” I said gently. “Bad things happen. I know that more than anyone. But it doesn’t—itcan’tmean you stop living your life. I know I’m in danger, and I know Simon wants me dead. There’s a reason I stayed in the cabin trying to figure it out before I had to leave or die. And yes, I’m scared. But you pulled me out of it and reminded me there was something before Simon, and there will be something after him.Youmake me feel safe. All the anxiety I’ve lived with? It’s gone with you around.”

“Emma—” He sounded resigned, but I wasn’t going to let him stop this. Not yet.

I crossed the rest of the distance between us and touched him. Pressed my hands to his chest and looked him in the eye. “Don’t, Daniel. Please. Don’t try to make excuses to get out of something that makes sense. And I’m telling you now, what you’re clinging to doesn’t make sense. Even taking me out of the equation. Living in the past with this for the rest of your life, it doesn’t make sense. And there’s another reason I don’t want to go into WITSEC. It’s because even if this is new and I don’t completely know what I’m doing, you’ve shown me I can have a life. And I’m finding I can have one here. More than that, I want to keep it.”

I watched my words sink in, and he caught me by the shoulders. I wasn’t sure if he wanted to pull me closer or push me away. God, I was close enough to twist up and kiss him, but if we were going to do this, he had to make the move.

“Please think about it, because I don’t need to. Neither of us knows the future, but I’m finished holding myself back because I’m afraid of something going wrong or because of pain and anxiety. I’ve learned enough to know you can be careful all you want and it doesn’t change anything. I want you, Daniel. I want to give whatever this is between us a go. I don’t care about our ages, and I don’t think you’re broken. The things you say are barriers aren’t to me, and I’m not giving up on what could be between us.”

With that, I turned and left the lodge, hauling in the night air like I’d just finished running a triathlon or something. My legs were shaking with adrenaline for the second time tonight.

Standing up like I had, first to Agent Phillips and now to Daniel, wasn’t the way I normally spoke. I was content to fade into the background and live my life quietly. Or I had been until I realized all it did was get you locked in a cage. Whether that cage was in the real world, made of metal, or a cage in your mind that held you back from what you really wanted, it didn’t matter. A cage was still a cage.

Daniel had broken me out of one cage. Like hell was I going to put myself in another one on purpose. If I could, I would keep him from locking himself away too.

I hadn’t made the conscious decision to see the therapist they suggested until it came out of my mouth, but it was a good idea. The things I said were true. I didn’t deserve to beat myself up for things I couldn’t have known, and I still felt guilty for it. Tomorrow, I would make an appointment and see how I liked it. One appointment couldn’t hurt.

Looking up, I watched the stars finally appearing as I walked back to my cabin in the nearly eerie Montana silence.

Everything in me wanted to turn around and go back to Daniel and beg him to tell me what he was thinking and whether what I’d said had any effect. But I couldn’t. He needed time. I knew it like I knew my own name.

I blew out a breath as I jogged up the steps to my cabin and unlocked the door. It wasn’t late, and I wasn’t about to sleep. My mind was too busy for that.

The bags Kate brought me still hadn’t been fully unpacked, so I grabbed them and brought them to my bedroom, determined to put the clothes away and at least do something useful while my brain was running in circles.

But go figure, the first thing to drop out of one of the bags was a bra. It was pretty and simple, with a little lace trim. And it did nothing to stem the tide of thoughts and fantasies of Daniel realizing I was right, deciding to give us a chance, and showing up at my door. I would deal with the nerves of that situation if it happened.

In the meantime, I grabbed the clothes and put them away, hoping I would be able to keep myself busy enough not to go mad.

Chapter16

Daniel

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