Page 64 of Ruled Out

“What the hell are we doing?” I whisper. “How did we ever think this could work?”

“Bee. Don’t do this,” he practically cries, shaking his head and gently cupping my face in his hands. “Don’t you dare push me away.” His eyes gloss over with emotion.

“Knox…I’m beginning to think you were right to pushmeaway. You were doing the right thing. I’m sorry I fought you so hard,” I hiccup as my breath catches in my throat.

He shakes his head. “Phoebe, you’re wrong. Pushing you away was the worst thing I ever did. I was fucking miserable without you.”

“I’ve already lost Maisie, and now I’ve lost Corbin, my only family member who gives a shit about me,” I whisper, feeling a tear slide down my face.

“What are you talking about?” he asks, his eyes searching mine for an answer.

“Maisie knows, Knox,” I exhale. “She saw me getting out of your Jeep last weekend. She knows everything. I’ve been sick over not telling you, because I’m so afraid to lose you again. I’m starting to realize that we’re fighting a battle we never had a chance at winning,” I basically sob, hanging my head.

“Has she told anyone?” he quickly asks.

“No. She said she wouldn't, and I believe her. Regardless, people are going to find out. Look at what happened today,” I scoff. “We can’t keep doing this, Knox,” I breathe out, my voice cracking with each word.

“We said we’re going to figure this out, Phoebe. Not even thirty minutes ago, we were talking about coming up with a plan. I spent hours this week submitting applications for coaching jobs. I’m so fucking serious about making this work. If I get offered a job before May, I'll take it without hesitation. Please, Bee, don’t do this. Don’t let this ruin everything,” Knox pleads.

“What if you don’t find another job, Knox? What happens then? What if your only option is a job hours away, and we have to do long distance for four years? What if we’re found out before you leave CCU? It would make headlines, and your coaching career would be over, done for. The more I think about, the more fucked up this entire situation is. As much as we don’t want to admit it, I think we both know this has to end,” I whisper.

“Goddammit, Phoebe. Please don’t do this,” Knox says in panic, frantically running his hands through his hair. “I’m going to find another coaching job. We’ll play it off like we started dating after I left CCU. It’s all going to work out. I’m begging you, please don’t push me away,” he adds, shaking his head.

“I don’t think I have a choice,” I sob. “Look at us; look at what our relationship has done.” I shift my eyes to the living room that looks like a crime scene.

“Phoebe, don’t…”

“Knox, this ends now. I’m sorry, but it’s over,” I rasp, barely able to see Knox’s beautiful face through the tears welling in my eyes.

“Why are you doing this?” His voice breaks as he brushes his thumbs back and forth across my damp cheeks.

“Remember that day we were almost caught in your office? That was strike one for us, you even said it yourself. Maisie finding out was strike two, and today was strike three. You know as well as I do that it’s over after three strikes. If you try to fight it, you risk being thrown out. That’s a risk we can no longer take. We’re ruled out, Knox. This can’t go on any longer,” I choke out, softly running my hands through his raven hair for the last time.

“Phoebe… I… I lov-”

I immediately stop him, knowing exactly what he’s going to say and that I’ll give in if I let him say it.

“Knox, don’t. You’re making this harder than it has to be. Please respect what I want andleave,” I painfully say, putting extra emphasis on the last word.

“Is that really what you want, Bee?” he asks, his voice laced with emotion.

Fuck, I’m about to break.I’m about to give in. I can’t let it happen. I have to be strong.

“Yes, and I’m not going to ask you again. Please, just get the fuck out,” I command, trying everything in my power to make him leave before I give in and wrap him in my arms.This is by far the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.

He sucks in a deep breath and nods his head before placing a goodbye kiss to my forehead and pulling away.

“Goodbye, Phoebe,” he whispers as he walks for the door. I don’t miss the pained expression on his face or the tears staining his cheeks when he stops to look at me over his shoulder one last time.

TWENTY-SEVEN

PHOEBE

My back thumps against the door the second Knox leaves, and I’m sliding down it until my ass hits the tile floor. I bury my face in my hands and ugly cry for the first time in years. I feel like I’ve lost everything; my best friend, my closest family member, and the love of my life. I have no one to call, no to one to confide in -I feel so fucking alone.It’s not like I can call up a friend from high school and talk to them.They wouldn't understand.No one would understand.

My heart is beating a mile a minute, and I feel like the room is spinning in a haze around me. I’ve only had a few serious panic attacks in my life, and I know for certain I’m on the verge of one right now. In my experience, one of the scariest feelings in the world is being alone when you feel like you have no control over your own body.I can’t be alone right now.

Picking myself up from the cold, hard floor, I stand and stumble toward the kitchen island. Grabbing my phone with shaky hands, I decide to dial the first person who comes to mind. Despite what I did to her, she’s always been a fierce and loyal friend. I just pray to God she picks up.

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