Page 47 of Wanted You More

I can feel the threat of tears in the back of my eyes, and I hate it. The vulnerability rising in my chest takes over and makes it hard to breathe. I feel the impending anxiety attack as I think about the snowball effect this one article could lead to in a matter of days. It never fails.

Why is it always me?

Soon, Dad will be angry, and Wolfe will follow in his footsteps. Then it’s back to me being reckless little Austen.

“There were others,” I point out again weakly, sniffling back the tears. My next question comes out a barely audible whisper. “Why do they hatemeso much?”

Ben is quiet for a second before giving me a genuine answer. “Because you refuse to conform and give them what they want. There’s nothing wrong with that, Austen. But you do need to start thinking about the consequences of what you do.”

Is he going to lecture me? “If everybody in the world thought about the consequences of their actions, it’d be a boring place to be.”

All he says is, “It’d be a safer one though.”

And I know what he’s referring to.

The reason I’m always in articles like the one circulating around the school.

***

Dad looks exhaustedwhen he walks through the front door. There are dark circles under his eyes and a tired drag to his feet. He sets his bag down on the table by the door and hangs his coat up on the hook above it.

“Are you okay?” I ask, lowering my cereal bowl and turning toward him.

He jumps, scrubbing a hand down his face and blowing out a breath. “Shit, Austen. I didn’t see you there.”

I grab the TV remote and turn off the reality show playing. “Sorry. I called out of work today and came home. Wolfe is doing homework in his room.”

His eyes go to his watch. “Are you feeling okay? Is this about the article? I know you were upset about it the other day, but it seems like Benjamin has it covered.”

Senator Mackie, to nobody’s surprise, isn’t taking any responsibility for that post. He claims he had no knowledge of the publication before it was released and wanted to issue a “formal apology” to my family and me for how I was portrayed in it. Naturally, he wanted the apology to be public so he looked like the hero.

Ben told us it was a ploy to get us to talk to him and his team and partner with him on some new advocacy that would earn him more support from different organizations striving to keep America’s youth safe. It was smart in an evil genius kind of way because he couldn’t get in trouble for trying to make amends for what it did to my reputation.

Dad already knows about all of that, which means something else is going on for him to be acting this strange. He’s usually a lot more upset about my pictures being blasted places and used to benefit people’s social agendas. He didn’t so much as threaten to ground me for going to that party in the first place.

“I didn’t feel like going in,” I answer slowly, spooning more cereal out of my bowl. “I wasn’t sure what to do about dinner, so I told Wolfe just to grab something from the kitchen when he was hungry. Unless you want me to order something for delivery?”

A disapproving look crosses Dad’s face as he walks to the couch. “You can’t call into work just because you can. That’s the third time in the past few months you’ve done that. Those people depend on you to stick to your schedule. If they stop feeling like they can trust you, they’ll replace you with somebody they know they can count on.”

That sounds too personal not to be some type of anecdote. “Is everything okay at work, Dad? You look stressed.”

His eyes go to the kitchen like he’s contemplating his answer. Then he drops his head and rubs his closed eyes with the pads of his fingers. “They’re cutting back my hours to give more to newer staff. Some of my old classes that I’ve had for years…that yourmomhad…”

They gave away Mom’s classes to other professors? I set the bowl down on the coffee table and stand. “I’m sorry. There’s nothing you can do about that?”

He shakes his head. “I had multiple meetings with the department head, and he insisted that the decision was final. They can bring on younger staff for cheaper to save the college money, so that’s what they’re going to do. It’s partly my fault. I haven’t been present in a very long time.”

“Don’t you have tenure to prevent stuff like this from happening? I thought that was basically like having a golden ticket?”

Dad manages to laugh a little. “No, honey. Life is rarely ever that easy.”

I frown, realizing that this could be bad if he’s not getting paid as much. “Are we going to be okay? Like, do you need to find another job?”

When he doesn’t answer right away, I know it’s a concern of his too. “I’ll figure it out, Austen. It’s nothing for you to concern yourself with. In the meantime, we’ve got savings to help us with bills. Not that I like using it. But we’re set in that way.”

The money he’s referring to is basically blood money. After Mom’s passing, a fund was collected for the families of the victims to help them get by. It was a massive amount once it came out that the teenagers responsible for opening fire on the park had prior offenses that were ignored, which led to a few lawsuits that got settled and increased the funds given to families as if money would make up for lost lives.

Dad never touched it unless he absolutely needed to, which is how I know this isn’t good. If he dips into it now, then that means we’re in deeper water than he’s letting on.

---