Page 73 of Reckless Desire

But they do. Both my sisters squeeze me tighter from each side in a rare group hug.

“That’s okay, but don’t live the rest of your life from a place of fear.” Lo’s motto is to live every day like it was your last one. Her own protection mechanism, I guess.

“In a twisted way, you’re allowing Jeremy to fuck with you even from beyond his grave.” Paris kisses the top of my head.

Her words splash through me like a cold shower, sobering me up. I’m not free to drag another person into the mess of my life. The real mess that I’ve been hiding successfully for years now. But I can’t let Jeremy take this away from me. My chance at happiness and a genuine relationship.

“Will you be here if…” I don’t want to say the words.

“We have always been here for you, Syd.” London stands up. She’s probably reached her limit of emotional sap.

They have been, and I wish I could be completely honest with them, because sharing the burden alone for this long has been exhausting. And lonely. But I can’t. Not yet. Probably never.

For now, I have a relationship to save.

* * *

I cross the schoolyard with a determination I don’t really feel. The ground is shifting under my feet. Or in my imagination. But I don’t stop. I walk, ignoring everyone and everything. Somehow it’s harder to walk when a set of gray eyes burns my skin.

Hunter hasn’t come to pick Caro up for a week, but he’s here today. Girls run around, laughing and chattering. Relentless traffic hums its typical city score. A dog barks somewhere in the background. All the sounds are louder today when I try to focus all my senses on the man who looks at me with a dose of hurt in his eyes.

The wind, at odds with the otherwise sunny day, whips my hair around. I left my jacket inside when I ran out, hoping to catch him, but it doesn’t matter because I’m sweating like it’s summer. Or perhaps I’m not. I don’t know. My nerves are playing tricks on me.

The corners of Hunter’s lips curl up slightly. Or I might be projecting.

“Hi. Do you have a minute?” I spill the words as fast as possible to make sure I grab the chance. Equal parts from the fear he may leave, or that I might cave.

“Let me talk to Mrs. Lowe, Caro.” He smiles at his daughter who was just approaching. Jesus, I didn’t even see her. She stops and studies us for a beat and then hops away, rejoining her friends. Something in the way she narrowed her eyes on me hits a momentary pause on my intentions. But then who said this would be easy?

I find Hunter’s eyes and the world switches to slow mo.

He licks his lips.

A shudder quakes through me.

The vise on my chest tightens.

His scent floats to me, blanketing me with a strong sense of belonging.

A new, novel form of fear settles in.

What if I lost him already?

“I miss you,” I say. Swallowing is a challenge.

Hunter sighs. The sound grips my throat, strangling me. I hurt this man.

“I’m sorry. I let my fear win. It’s not fair to you. Or to me, really. When I asked you to wait, I showed you I don’t believe in us. That’s not true.”

Hunter lets out another sigh and rakes his fingers through his hair.

“I do believe in us,” I continue. “But I’m scared because my beliefs were crushed before. I let the experience cloud my life. I wanted to wait to make sure that we’re real. But waiting means assuming we’d fail. I don’t want to start something, expecting it may not work out. We’re real. I’m scared, but I’d rather have one real day with you than a lifetime of misguided security.”

Thirty seconds ago, I didn’t know what I was going to say, but now that the words are out, I’m shocked by their honesty. They coil around my heart with hope and trepidation.

Hunter clenches his fists. His Adam’s apple jumps up and down a few times. He glances toward the girls playing.

“Fuck, Sydney.” Frustration laces his words. I think. Or exasperation. But it definitely doesn’t sound like relief.

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