Page 47 of Reckless Desire

“No. Why would it bother me?” Why am I lying? “Okay, it bothers me a bit because if you get more serious… you know.”

“I can guarantee I’m not getting serious. With him or anyone else. He’s fun in the sack, but he’s too focused on money and success.” She gives me an unimpressed look and turns to Paris. “Ash is Hunter’s friend.”

“Do youwantto get together with Hunter?” Paris asks.

“Our attraction is purely physical. I don’t know if I can go there. And with me being his daughter’s teacher, we can’t be together. It’s just too complicated.”

I reach for a handful of nuts on the coffee table between us, not really wanting them. Anything to occupy my hands.

London huffs. “And don’t forget you didn’t really like what he was doing, or perhaps still does.”

Her words remind me I might have lost my sanity and my appetite. I drop the handful back into the small bowl.

“He doesn’t. He told me when we were at the bar. He also said he’s glad I’d never called him back then.” I take a sip of my tea, the warm liquid soothing my stomach.

Even if there wasn’t the weird history between me and Hunter, I don’t want to be attracted to a parent. I’ve just leaned into taking my job more seriously again and I don’t want to jeopardize that, especially with Dan already an issue.

“That might mean all sorts of things. Based on your recent interactions, the sparkles are bouncing between you, so for once listen to your gut and not your brain.” London takes an apple and polishes it on the sleeve of her soft robe.

“Sparkles are not enough. Look at me and Dan.”

Paris, who has never met Dan, raises her eyebrows and Lo snorts. “There were never sparks between the two of you. Dan was safe and reliable. He was a good backup plan while you waited for something more exciting to come along.”

I stare at her, horrified. My shock comes from two places, though. I can’t believe she would say something like that, to diminish someone this way. But more concerning is that she might—just might—have touched the truth.

Somewhere deep down, I’ve always known he was a substitute boyfriend. That realization shakes me with seismic force.

“I’m a horrible person.” I put the mug down and cover my eyes with my forearm.

London reaches across to squeeze my shoulder. “You’re not. You didn’t date him, waiting for this to happen. It’s just happened this way. Let’s focus on Hunter, though. Why are you fighting the attraction so much? You’re making all these assumptions about him. Just talk to him, explore where it could go.”

“How would I explain why I never called? I can’t tell him that I followed him. I completely misjudged the situation. What’s wrong with me? First Jeremy, then Dan, and with Hunter… Jesus, I don’t even know how to reconcile my assumptions there.”

“There is nothing wrong with you. Since Jeremy you’ve been living your life safely, which is understandable. That’s why you attracted a man who was looking for the same—safety. But when a man who is anything but came into your life, it knocked you off-balance.” London takes a bite of her apple.

“There is nothing wrong with safety.” The soft robe turns into a furnace suddenly as the idea of thenon-safeman pools in my core. I grab a magazine to fan myself.

“True,” Paris says. “If you don’t mind missing out on things that require risk. Things that come with wonderful surprises, satisfying rewards, unforgettable memories.” She puts her hand around my shoulder.

“Like stealing a coffee,” Lo deadpans and Paris groans. “But while not speaking from experience, Paris is right.”

I wipe a tear away, trying to find words and solace in the flames before me. I want to defend the way I’ve been living, but it has never been my primary choice. Defaulting to safe choices let me avoid experiencing the heartbreak and disappointment of my marriage again.

There is a difference between happiness and contentment. I’ve been content, but have I been truly happy with my life?

“You’re used to your boring way of life.” Lo picks up on my internal turmoil. “It’s hard to see the forest for the trees, but I remember the fun Sydney. And maybe you’re not as crazy as me, but you used to be adventurous. Full of life. Maybe that’s what Hunter inspires. Maybe that’s why his lifestyle—former lifestyle—provokes something in you, and it makes you feel more alive.”

“I don’t think Sydney should break her hermit ways for a man. You should go back to your entrepreneurial plans. Take risks within your control and allow yourself to fully rediscover your self-confidence.” Paris pats my hand.

I used to be full of life. I had plans. I was going to start my own school, focused on alternative teaching methods to cater to kids with different learning needs. I used to spend my weekends hiking, traveling. I volunteered at a library reading program.

Before Jeremy died, I had a life. That life was put to an abrupt end. Everyone’s always believed his secret gambling was what broke me. But that’s because I’ve told no one about the real extent of his betrayal. The resentment it seeded inside me that grew into a full-blown garden of mistrust and apprehension.

Hunter sparked something in me. Desire. I haven’t longed for anything because I couldn’t afford it. I haven’t longed for anyone because getting attached meant exposing myself to losing someone. Maybe Paris has uncovered an important piece of the puzzle. I need to find my self-confidence first.

I try to enjoy the spa day, but I’m more wound up than I was before we came. I want to tell my sisters the whole truth about Jeremy’s past, but I’m so ashamed of my years-long ignorance during my marriage that I can’t bring myself to do it.

We leave the spa and sadness descends on me as we cross the lobby. This is where I met Hunter under the wildest circumstances. And this is where I decide that some things in life we just have to let go of, regardless of how much we want them to work out.

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