Page 28 of Reckless Desire

Sydney

Despite my better judgment, I agreed to meet Dan in Central Park. For lunch. I’m not even hungry. I sit at a bench where we’ve eaten before, hoping he won’t bring me a turkey Reuben from my favorite deli. I don’t want a delicious sandwich from him. I want an explanation. An apology.

Who am I kidding? There is no way we can continue this relationship. I would be misleading him. Have I been misleading him already?

Children stroll around, enjoying ice cream and September sun. Everyone is celebrating the beginning of the new school year. Well, okay, not all the kids. And perhaps most parents are relieved that the responsibility of bringing up their offspring is now shared with people like me.

Irony really. Because what do I know about living life? Nothing. I’ve spent almost ten months with a man in a no-strings-attached relationship and he invites me to move in and forgets to tell me he’s my new boss. I guess I shouldn’t complain. I could be suffocating for real, after all.

I should probably be relieved he fucked up. His omission gives me a bit of an upper hand here. I’m so mad I don’t even know how I feel about him being my boss.

We met when I was a sub for a week at his previous school. He was well-respected by his colleagues, I think. I don’t mind that he is my boss. That isn’t the problem. I hate that he didn’t tell me about it.

I channel all my energy into the issue with Dan because I’m scared to think about the other man who wrecked my balance this morning.

What are the actual odds of Hunter’s daughter starting in this school? Inmynew class. Shit. I won’t think about that. I won’t think about that. I repeat the mantra while I think about his tousled hair, the surprise on his stupidly handsome face. I won’t think about him.

Since when does a simple black T-shirt scream sin? And he has tattoos on his biceps. I didn’t know that. I wish I still didn’t.

Okay, I established he was an asshole three years ago. Period. Damn him for gliding back into my life and my mind. At least if he wasn’t so impossibly attractive. I’m an adult woman. I’ll be professional. And avoid him at all costs.

“I told you I’d be around for lunch.” Dan startles me from my failed attempt at not thinking about Hunter. From now on, I’ll refer to him as Caroline’s father.

My new boss looks half-amused, as if his being around was an excellent inside joke, but he’s scanning my face for my reaction, half-anxious. He sits down and places the lunch bag between us. Of course he got the Reuben. And smartly, he used it as a barrier between us.

“I got you your favorite.” He points to the sandwich.

“I’m not hungry.” Really mature.

“Come on, Syd, let’s talk about it all.” Dan pulls out his chicken salad on rye. His usual.

One quality I always appreciated about Dan was how predictable he was. Until now. I didn’t predict the move-in invitation, or the omission about his new job.

“You found time to ask me to move in with you, but you didn’t think of mentioning you’re my new boss?” I fold my arms across my chest and turn my head to face him. There’s remorse on his face, but a light smile as well. Is he mocking me?

“I didn’t want you to feel more nervous than you already were. The offer came only last week, it was a surprise. It was a complicated situation because I didn’t want to let my old school down on such short notice. And you were fretting about the beginning of the school year already—”

“Don’t use me as your excuse. Yes, the job is important to me, but your news impacts me as well. Have you even checked the ethics policy?”

He winces. I’m not even sure why I point that out, because there is no way we’re staying together.

“You don’t need to check it anymore,boss.” The snarl in my voice surprises even me. “You lied to me.”

“No, I didn’t.” Dan drops the sandwich back into the bag.

“Semantics. You kept something important from me and that’s almost like lying.”

“Don’t you fucking compare me to your late husband.” He stands up, daring to tower over me. It pushes me up as well.

“Don’t you fucking act like him.”

We glare at each other as the air fills with frustration and anger, their teeth sinking deep. Dan sighs and steps closer. A small part of me wants to rise above it all and forgive him. It would be easier. Could we just fall back into our predictable routine?

I dismiss the idea as soon as it comes and move back. The distance between us is negligible, yet we have never been further apart.

He has a minor cut on his chin from his morning shave, but otherwise he is perfect. Almost too perfect to be true. Have I idolized him all this time because he pulled me out of my years-long funk?

He didn’t share a big life decision and I blame him. But over the ten months of our relationship I’ve only let him in marginally. To a safe depth. That way he couldn’t hurt me. And yet he stuck around.

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