Page 44 of Reckless Fate

I finally make it out, almost knocking someone down. I stop and breathe, the air reaching only the top of my lungs, lacking in supply. I want to tilt my head back and scream, but even I’m not that crazy. Yet.

I need to find an outlet for the adrenaline. I need to get out of here and go to the gym, because that’s the only way to physically destroy myself enough to tame the anger. That and the breathing exercises my therapist recommends, but those fucking never work anyway.

I don’t even know why I am angry. And I don’t want Blue to see me like this.

A light touch warms my arm, halting the passage of time. I pant, but the need to jump out of my skin recedes. Blue’s scent of meadow reaches me as she steps closer. Her presence behind me, simply breathing, provides a measure of peace.

Her effect on me is therapeutic. She doesn’t speak or move. She doesn’t offer words or gestures of comfort—and I don’t deserve them from her, anyway. But Blue somehow creates a space for me to find balance. Not yet feel calm, but to reach normalcy. Whatever that may look like.

I don’t know how long we stand there. Longer than needed. I’ve become a reasonable human being again, but I’m unwilling to break the connection. She senses the storm has changed into a drizzle and slides her hand down, grazing my skin and sending all sorts of conflicting signals.

“You caught me by surprise. I didn’t know you felt this way about me.” She sounds apologetic, as if she was at fault here.

Fuck me. This is so hard. I just need to walk her to the subway and hide for the rest of her stay, and then I can go back to being my usual grump. I turn to face her, careful not to touch her. Her jaw is set and her eyes are full of kindness. Or pity more likely. Fuck.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have. It was stupid.”

“No. That’s not what I’m saying, I’m just… confused.” She reaches out and slides her fingers under mine, not really grabbing my hand, just placing it into position, giving me the option to close.

And I do, I clasp her fingers and squeeze, equally reassuring her things are okay between us—a lie—while grasping for straws like a drowning man.

Her face contorts as the air between us pollutes with tension, hope, desire and regret. Deposits of mistakes, broken promises, disappointments are resurfacing as we both try to bury them deeper.

“There is a part of me,” Blue continues, squeezing my hand gently. “A huge part of me that wants to explore this. But the two of us, the past—I won’t survive the pain again. I don’t want us to hurt each other again.”

A sliver of hope encourages me to speak. “We were young and stupid. I know I was. It doesn’t have to be that way.”

She shakes her head and the sliver shreds into a crumb. “I don’t know if I can believe that. Trust you. Trust myself.”

What can I say to that? She is right, and I wish it was all different. But it’s not.

“Don’t look at me like that, Massi.”

“Like what?”

“Like I’ve just punched you. I never wanted to hurt you, Massi. But I will. I know I will.”

“Don’t, Blue, don’t go there. We killed our love before, but you can’t deny the connection. Damn it. I’ve burned steaks in the last few weeks like a beginner, knowing you were on the other side of the door. I can’t think. I can barely breathe. I haven’t slept well since you opened the door at your father’s wake.”

Her breath hitches and she shivers, biting her lip as tears pool in the corners of her eyes.

“I don’t know,” she whispers.

“Blue, remember the night you left that fucking apartment seventeen years ago?” She nods. “Since that moment, I’ve regretted what I’ve done to us. Tell me you don’t feel there is something left? Look me in the eye and tell me I’m making it up.”

She doesn’t speak. She holds my eyes, and even without words it’s clear she can’t deny the connection.

“When it comes to you I’ve regretted so much, and I don’t want another regret, Blue. I don’t want to regret never even exploring if there is a chance for the two of us.”

She opens her mouth and then closes it again. She whimpers and then breathes deeply, the struggle within her palpable, adorable and fucking threatening at the same time. I could almost read the pros and cons as they fight in her mind.

“Blue, you’re here for a few more weeks and then you’re gone. We’re both suffering already trying to fight this. Let me make you dinner. Let’s have one date.”

I don’t care about pride anymore. I’ll get to my knees and beg her.

“Can I think about it?”

I exhale audibly and run my hand through my hair, disappointed and relieved at the same time.

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