Page 90 of Give Me What I Want

They’d miss me for a while, but it would pass. They’d see in time that I had done them a favour. She would never have to look at me with concern in her eyes again. Ro could take on my role, he was getting good at it, fixing everything just like I used to. He’d fix the hole I’d leave. And Cole, sweet Cole, he would finally say goodbye to the reminder of his shitty childhood, the one that I made so unbearable, as I departed this world. He could move on and find a better friend than me. I’d be helping them all by doing it. And I’d get to keep them. They’d be mine forever because in my ever after I call the shots.

So I grabbed the bottle that was on the side table, and pushed down hard on the cap. I twisted it until it released and pills spilled out onto my lap. Pain pills, good ones, the type that made headaches go away in a flash. I was taking them daily, using them to try to dull the pain my thoughts inflicted. I had no idea how many I’d need; this wasn’t something I had planned. Considered a handful of times sure, but never planned. I had never been able to act impulsively though, and maybe that was another reason that I wouldn’t be enough. A flaw I couldn’t erase.

Except I could, right now. And I would. I’d leave this place having bettered myself in one tiny way. Even if it was in death that I did it.

There was a half-empty bottle of water beside the chaise lounge. I leaned down to grab it and glanced through the open door that led from the office down to the kitchen. Bea came into view, smiling down the hall at me as she flicked on the kettle.

“Cuppa?” she called out, and I shook my head. I didn’t need her to come up here with the warm drink and try to save me when she realised what I had done. She could find me later, when I was cold, gone, it would be easier that way, better for everyone.

She smiled and blew me a kiss, followed by a wink before I ducked back out of sight and wondered if I should get up and close the door. That might draw too much attention my way though, and the last thing I wanted was an audience. So instead I got comfy and closed my eyes, ensuring the image of my girl standing in the kitchen—hair pulled up into a messy bun, ass on full show as she paraded around in a white button-down—was the last one to play behind them as I fumbled around for a few pills. I shoved whatever I could grab into my mouth, then uncapped the water bottle, swigging them down. I then shoved more between my lips, only stopping when my instinct told me that it would be enough. There was a dribble of water left in the bottle, and I finished it in one mouthful, then got comfy, resting my head on a lilac scatter cushion as I waited for sleep to take me. To take me to that place that I could never return from.

I felt calm as I drifted away.

Her eyes sparkled in front of me before her face came back into focus and I sighed in my dream as I reached out to touch her. I was glad that she was there to help me on my way. The boys came into view too, then the background, and I found that we were sitting beside a fireplace similar to the one in my old house. It was a picture-perfect moment, and laughter echoed around me.

She smiled, and it all began to fade.

Then I smiled, and whispered my final words her way. “Until we meet again.”

25

“Iwas having the nicest dream,” Maverick mumbled, a smile ghosting his lips as I glanced up, lifting my head from Bea’s lap and nudging her awake.

“Mav?” I asked, getting up and leaning over him. His eyes cracked open a fraction and his smile grew.

“You’re here,” he whispered.

“Of course I’m here, we’re all here,” I choked, grabbing his hand and squeezing my eyes shut, chanting happy thoughts over and over in an attempt to block out the images that had come flashing back to me. His lifeless body, peaceful but pained at the same time, a palm full of pills, his guitar propped against the table beside him, shirt on the floor, messy blonde hair falling over one eye. I had no idea how long he had been laying there like that, slipping away from us, but I knew it was too long. The colour of his lips, the unsteady, shallow rise of his chest, he was so close to gone, and I couldn’t help him. I wanted to shove my fingers down his throat, force whatever he had filled himself with out of his body, but I couldn’t. I was fucking frozen.

I had screamed though, I didn’t realise it, but I had. I had screamed loud enough for Bea and Ronan to come, to fly down the corridor and shove me to the floor. Bea had fallen onto me as the realisation of what I had found hit her, her tears soaking my shirt. Ro had jumped to action though, saving the day as he called emergency services and dragged Mav onto the floor, putting him into the foetal position and attempting to shove his fingers down his throat. He had stayed on the phone and kept Maverick alive until the ambulance had arrived. He had turned to shout at us when they did, but Bea had already flown out of the room, screaming for help as she barrelled her way out onto the front lawn.

Everything still felt like a blur.

Mav had been in my life for as long as I could remember. My childhood tormentor, turned best friend, turned love. His presence was the most consistent thing I’d ever known. We had grown together. Changed together. Our lives were woven so deeply together that I had felt as though I was dying with him when I had walked in and seen his face.

I opened my eyes, taking in his face now. Pink skin, chapped lips, sleepy dull green eyes. He was here. Alive.

“It didn’t hurt, not even a little bit. I knew it would be better on this side. Now I have an eternity of you guys. Boo, Bumble and Bear, my favourite people. I’ll watch over you. I promise.” He rambled on and my brows pulled close together.

I turned to look at Bea, her eyes wide and filled with pity. He shouldn’t see that look on her face, but maybe he needed to, because if I was hearing him right, he thought that he was dead.

Ronan gently pulled me away from Mav’s bedside. “Let her tell him, and then let her scream at him.”

“He just tried to kill himself, and you’re going to let her scream at him?”

“Yes, he needs to know that he can’t just fucking bow out like that. It’s not okay. Clearly, he’s hurting more than we knew, butfuck, he needs to talk about it, not end everything. We’ve all battled with darkness; he doesn’t get to give in to it though.” Ro's eyes turned watery, but he blinked away the tears, giving me a fierce look that said not to push him. He should know by now that I wouldn’t though. If he wanted to bottle shit up, fine. Did it make him a hypocrite? Fuck yes. Did I know that our girl would make sure he never let the darkness swallow him up though? Also yes. I knew she’d be trying harder than ever after this. She’d be spending every single day making sure we were all okay, and we needed to do the same for her.

“Don’t look at me like that, baby. This ismyafterlife, and I’m pretty sure what I say goes,” Mav said with a hoarse laugh.

“No, this is real life, fuckwit,” she said, grabbing the remote control for his bed and raising his head until he was sitting.

“No, I killed mys—”

A loud crack cut him off and his head whirled to one side. Bea cursed, then grabbed his face and kissed him repeatedly. “You.”Kiss.“Are.”Kiss.“Alive.”Kiss.

“I thought you said she’d scream at him, not hit him,” I murmured to Ronan who looked beyond amused.

“She’s unpredictable, you know that,” he said with a shrug. “And he absolutely deserved that, bloody idiot.”

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