Page 73 of Give Me What I Want

Cole shoved a bottle of water into his pocket along with a pack of pills, then grabbed our mugs and carefully made his way down the bus. He placed the drinks down, then perched on the edge of the bed.

“Thanks, bro. Where’s Mav?” I asked.

“He’s erm…” Cole glanced at Bea, trying to work out if she was asleep or not.

“I’m awake, go on,” she said, and I smiled, but only for a moment. Only until Cole spoke again.

“He’s finding a place to erm… to bury the… Bea’s… our…” His gaze dropped to his knees and his toe started to tap fast on the floor. His knees bounced, and I reached out to slap his arm.

Snapping out of it, he apologised, then forced a smile. “He texted me ten minutes ago to say he’d found somewhere, and he was going to the local market to pick up some flowers to plant on top. If that’s okay with you, Bumblebee?”

She sniffed, then raised her head, turning to look up at Cole with watery eyes. “That sounds perfect.”

“You wanna get up and dressed then, gorgeous? Pop on something comfy and we’ll head out to meet him?” Cole placed his hand on her cheek, cupping it and wiping his thumb under her eye, catching a single tear.

“Mhmm.” It was all she managed, then she closed her eyes, drew in a long breath, and pushed herself upright. She sat, crossing her legs, and held out her hands. I placed a pill in one hand as Cole put the water bottle in the other, popping up the cap for her.

She swallowed down the pills, then held her hands out again. Cole swapped the water for tea, and she smiled softly at him. “Can one of you find me a black dress, something loose fitting though, one of the maxi ones?”

Cole’s brows pinched, and I groaned, getting up off of the bed and hunting down the dress that she had in mind.

“What’s a maxi?” I heard him whisper to himself, and Bea giggled.

I paused my search, glancing down at her and sighing, glad to have heard that sound escape her. Twice since waking, she had laughed, and her smiles were coming without force. She was going to be fine. Maybe not every day, but in the end. Overall.

My girl was strong. Stronger than I had ever given her credit for.

“This.” I produced the black dress. “Is a maxi.” I hung the garment on a little hook on the wall, then helped Bea get up, taking her hand as she took a long sip of tea. She followed me to the bathroom, but as we reached the doorway, I felt resistance. I turned to look at her. She had stopped, her fingers turning white as she clutched the mug too tight, eyes locked on the toilet, head tilting as she stared at the closed lid.

“Is it…” Her voice was nothing but a shaken breath.

I shook my head and placed myself in front of her, blocking off the view of the toilet. “Mav has taken care of it. Come on, Queenie, let’s brush those teeth and wash that face, you’re okay.” I soothed her, my voice as low as I could make it as I pushed away my own emotions.

I had no idea how Mav had managed it, but when I got up this morning, he had retrieved what could only be described as a bloody clump from the bowl, and had wrapped it in one of our old merch tee’s. He had looked so disconnected when he showed it to me, his face was expressionless, eyes dull, not a single sparkle in those emerald orbs. He looked worse than the day Steve had passed, and I wondered if all of this might actually destroy him.

But he was out there, buying flowers, doing the sweetest things, and that knowledge alone gave me hope. I clung to it. Needed him to be alright. I couldn’t take another loss. Steve had been like family, this baby was likely partly me, and there was Jordan…fucking Jordan.

My shoulders tensed as I thought about him, then wondered where he was. “Jordan,” I snarled under my breath, a question, a curse.

Bea heard it, and so did Cole. A pained look crossed her face, but then Cole was in the doorway behind her, his fingers trailing down her arms, comforting. “He left early this morning and went over to the One Last Time bus.”

“Should we call him? Ask him to come with us?” Bea asked hesitantly.

My jaw clenched and I ground my teeth, pain shot through my head. It wasn’t my choice though. My opinion didn’t matter. “It’s up to you,” I said as gently as I could manage.

Bea flinched, indicating that I hadn’t been gentle at all, then gave me an understanding look. I was going to be angry, and she knew that there was no point arguing with me over it. So she dropped her head and whispered to the floor. “I don’t want him there. I don’t want him anywhere.”

“Then he won’t come. And I’ll tell him he’s out if you want, Queenie?”

Cole was still stroking her arms, and she relaxed back against his body, her head slotting perfectly under his chin. She looked up at me, then whispered. “Thank you. I know we agreed that I would, but I just can’t do it.”

“I know.” I had expected her to do it straight away the day we had decided that he was out, but she hadn’t, she had wanted to be smart, do as Garth had said and make sure we had a plan first. She had begged me to play nice, to be civil towards him until he was gone, but she hadn’t had her chance to tell him that it was over for him. She hadn’t dismissed him like the piece of shit that he was. And I didn’t expect her to do it herself now, not while she was grieving, holding herself together.

I’d take the extra discomfort away from her. I’d save her from more tears. Jordan would probably fight back if she did it anyway. That was why I had kept volunteering myself. He didn’t care about her, and he sure as fuck didn’t care enough to accept his fate and be kind to a grieving woman. I could take it if he kicked off. So I leaned down, dipping my head, and kissed her cheek, then the other, then her nose.

“Anything for you.”

When I straightened up, she closed her eyes and took a step forward. I made room for her to pass me, then shuffled out of the bathroom, leaving her with Cole as I went to hunt down Jordan. I’d grieve in my own time, away from them all, and I’d take on the role of her hero as I completed this task that so clearly hurt her heart.

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