Page 72 of Give Me What I Want

“Leave it.” He had done enough. “I’m sor—”

“Don’t you fucking dare,” he hissed, pulling me close, my cheek pressed against his soaked black t-shirt. I breathed him in, the familiar minty scent soothing me. “No apologies, forget the fight, I was wrong.”

I didn’t respond. Too shocked to speak as he admitted the one thing that I never thought he would.

He held me until my legs began to tremble. Then he lowered me to the basin of the shower and slowly lathered his soap on my skin, and for once he wasn’t trying to mark me, claim me, own me. He wasn’t trying to one-up anyone. It was all for me. To help me feel safe. And I did. Sitting below the cool spray with him, his jeans heavy from the water, and his fingers covered in soapy suds. I was safe.

Cole was waiting for me just beyond the shower door, his face twisted with worry as he held up a huge fluffy black towel, not one of my usual white ones. He wrapped it around me as I stepped out, and rubbed my back through the soft, warm fabric. He silently walked me to the back of the bus and kept the door open as he sat me down on the bed and dried me, his brows pulled low as he did. Once he’d dressed me, and I’d asked him to grab me a sanitary pad, he lifted me like a child, and carried me down to the sofa, placing me down and folding a blanket over my legs as Jordan held a warm mug of peppermint tea out for me to take.

Jordan and Cole sat on either side of me, and Ronan perched on the edge of the chair opposite in a dry pair of joggers. Maverick quietly came through the door, a whoosh of warm salty air following him from outside. I wasn’t sure when the bus had stopped moving, and I had no idea where we were, and quite frankly, I didn’t care. The only things I cared about right now were the men staring at me with a mixture of confusion, worry and pity on their faces.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Cole asked, placing a hand on my arm as Jordan shuffled away from me, keeping his distance but not leaving. I didn’t know how I felt about that, I was still angry with him, still so sure of my choice to cut him out, but this loss could be his, sure, he had worn and condom, and I was way further gone, but if he hadever, even for a moment, seen us all as a family, then it would be his loss too.

He didn’t though, and I knew that.

“Do you?” I asked, directing my question to them all.

They all nodded hesitantly, and I pulled my legs up, balancing my mug on my knees and tucking them to my chest as I took a deep breath, and answered questions, explained my mess of feelings, explained what Juno had suggested we do in the morning, and allowed myself to cry, just a little more.

Ronan took me to bed an hour later while the rest of them stayed up a little longer. “So, this is something you want then?” he asked as he tucked the duvet around us.

“Maybe one day. I’m not sure. Like I said out there, I’d never thought about it. Do you want it?”

“Maybe. But I never want to see you go through that again.” He kissed my still damp hair. “It hurt.”

“It did,” I agreed, knowing that although we felt a different type of pain, it was still pain. “But it’s over now.”

“You don’t have to get over it though.”

Without warning, I had been pregnant. And then, as though it had all been just a dream, I was not. I didn’t know what I wanted or when, but I felt that loss in my heart all the same, and I knew, that even if I got over it, there would be a mark, a scar, a hole that had opened when I wasn’t looking, and would never fully close. But I’d live with it.

“I know, but I will. I’ll be alright.”

20

“What do you need?” I asked as Bea rolled over to face me the following morning. I had got up once to grab a drink, then came back to bed, sitting beside her until she woke. My usual routine went out the window and I knew that I’d pay for it tomorrow. But I didn’t care. Right now, the only thing that I cared about was her.

She had been through too much this week. The betrayal, the sickness, the loss. It was a wonder she had even woken up, had managed to roll over and smile up at me. How the hell was she smiling?

“More sleep,” she said with a yawn, her eyes fluttering closed. “That’s what I need.”

“Okay,” I said quietly, “sleep.” I tugged her closer, pulling her head onto my lap, and began to stroke her hair, fingers raking through the knotted mess, making sure I didn’t tug.

“Painkillers too,” she whispered, then wrapped an arm around my leg, locking it between my thighs. “But don’t move, I’m comfy here.”

She looked so cute, nothing like the fiery little tornado that I usually woke to. I wouldn’t have moved for anything with her looking like that, so I searched the bedside table, the one she now kept unlocked, and groaned as I came up short. Nothing in there but vibrators and lube.Somuch lube.

Placing a hand over Bea’s ear, I hollered. “Cole!”

“What?” he shouted back, but I didn’t answer. I uncovered Bea’s ear and felt her laugh quietly, face burying into my crotch.

Cole repeated himself twice before he came into the bedroom, then winced as he saw Bea curled up with her eyes closed. “Shit, sorry, I wasn’t thinking. What’s up?”

“Painkillers, and water, and erm… she wants more sleep, but can you put the kettle on and make a couple of cups of tea?”

Bea nuzzled into me, humming happily but not lifting her head or speaking. Cole looked at her as though she was the loveliest thing in the world, then headed back towards the kitchen, flicking on the kettle and leaving the door wide open.

I watched as he made tea, wrinkling my nose as he pulled the bags out way too soon. I was sure it would taste fine though, just not perfect. Then again, not everything needed to be perfect. Hell, nothing was perfect right now. It was all a huge fucking mess actually.

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