Page 43 of Give Me What I Want

His chest was rumbling as he spoke, vibrating against me, and sending a fresh wave of heat between my legs. Not that I’d act on it. I was too far past wanting to fuck it all away. But Cole had outdone himself tonight, I was so fucking turned on, and I couldn’t control the way my body reacted. But Icouldcontrol what I did about it.

I turned, shoving him back a step, and rolled my tongue, clicking it before I spoke. “Well then, we’re even. You drive me insane too. Sometimes I wonder why I put up with you. You’re such an arsehole, Ronan.”

“Yes. I am. And you’re a bitch. You’re a nightmare,” he causally tossed back, not biting to my anger.

I wasn’t going to let it drop though. “Fuck you. What you did tonight crossed a line, you don’t get to call me a bitch.”

“Oh,Icrossed a line?” Ronan cocked his head, beginning to give me what I needed. A good argument. A distraction from my paranoia. I needed to scream at him, to let him know that what he did hurt me.

“Yes, you did. You crossed a big fucking—”

“Fuck.” Mav’s voice halted me, followed by a thud, and my blood turned to ice. His single word was choked. Watery. And when I spun to face him, seeing him sitting on the battered leather sofa with his head in his hands, cracked phone on the floor at his feet. I fucking knew. He didn’t need to say it.

Forgetting my anger. Forgetting the threat. Forgetting Ronan and his shitty behaviour, I rushed over to Maverick, flinging my arms around him as I tried to control my own emotions.

He trembled in my arms, then sank into me, his head falling against my arm as tears rolled onto my bare skin and a gargled wail ripped through his throat. “He’s gone. He’s fucking gone.”

12

“In loving memory of Steven Swift. A man who lit up every room, supported everyone he met, and loved his family more than anything else in the world. You’ll be in our hearts forever. Deity.” Bea was on the phone with the florist, dictating each card for each arrangement we’d be sending to the funeral. A funeral that I wasn’t attending.

“Are you sure you won’t go? We can get someone to stand in for you, or we could postpone a couple of shows and all go, it’s really not an issue,” Cole said as he passed me a fresh glass of water.

I took it with trembling hands, cupping the glass and bringing it to my lips, sipping slowly. The ice-cold water was exactly what I needed, and I gave Cole a small, pathetic smile as he stared at me with pity in his eyes and a proud smile on his lips. “I’m fine here.”

“You’re not,” he protested, but it was weak, he wasn’t going to push me. Cole, out of everyone, knew better. He may have been an optimistic dreamer who rarely knew how to handle anything heavy, but handling me, he knew how to do that. Years and years of our rollercoaster had taught him what not to do. He’d make sure I had water, exercise, routine, bland meals that wouldn’t irritate my churning stomach. He’d ensure that I got the bare minimum, while the others pushed and pushed, trying and failing to make me smile.

I was depressed. Quite fucking rightly so.

Cole sat down on the arm of my chair, his ass half on my lap, oblivious to how annoying I currently found physical touch. Bea had noticed that though. After the moment when I had broken down in her arms, I hadn’t let her touch me for more than a few seconds at a time. I had stayed in my bunk every single night, refusing to join her every time she cleared the bedroom just for me and her. Shewantedto comfort me, but I wasn’t ready. I didn’t want their comfort. I just wanted to feel.

Feeling might hurt, but hell, it meant that I was alive. Hurting over the man who practically raised me meant that I cared. It meant that I was a good man, even if I wasn’t going to his funeral.

I wasn’t numb. Although, when I woke each morning, it seemed to creep in, a feeling of nothingness. But then one of the guys, or Bea, would come and find me, and I’d snap out of it. Tears would fill my aching, irritated eyes, showing me that I wasn’t that far gone.

“You should go, Mav. Be there, at least for your mum,” Cole urged gently.

“She has your mum; she’s going to be fine. I need to stay here,” I argued, trying not to snap at him. He meant well. Colealwaysmeant well.

He didn’t push me any further. Instead, he squeezed my shoulder, grabbed my empty glass, and told me he was going to call and check in on our mums, and that if I wanted to join him, he’d be outside enjoying the sun.

“It really is a lovely day,” Bea said softly when I didn’t bother to follow Cole, instead I had stared into space, mindlessly dragging my short nails down my forearm over and over until the skin turned an angry red. She was finally done with her call and had sat down on the hard floor between my feet.

With her legs crossed and skirt splayed around her like a little gothic ballerina, she looked adorable. Especially when she peered up at me through thick lashes and offered me a small smile. “Maybe some fresh air would do you some good. Not that it’ll make anything…” She bit her bottom lip, closing her eyes before she slowly released it. “That was a stupid thing to say.”

“It wasn’t,” I said flatly. It wasn’t that I was annoyed with her or anything, I just couldn’t seem to find it in me to show much of any emotion. Everything that I did was flat. Even when I played our shows. I was there, but I wasn’t.

No one said anything though. They just accepted that this was how it would be for a while. I was broken.

“Kinda was.” She smiled again, her eyes welling with tears. “I just want to see you smile, Mav. Just a tiny one. It’s selfish of me, I know, but I miss it.” She chuckled to herself. “I even miss you scolding me and Ro. Promise me you’ll smile and scold soon?”

“Soon,” I promised, forcing one side of my mouth to tip up, crinkling my eye as it did.

Her face lit up as she watched me, a wide smile splitting her cheeks, tongue clamped between her teeth as she laughed through her nose. “I’ll take that. Is there anything I can do for you though? The flowers are ordered, and she’s going to send pictures, but we’ll video call Cole’s mum for the funeral if you still want and you’ll see them then. Or we could… sorry,youcould still go.”

She looked so hopeful as she waited for me to respond. I hated crushing her like this, but I just couldn’t. Being there would destroy me. Being here, I could hold on for dear life.

Shaking my head, I hesitantly leaned forward a little and slipped my hand under her chin, stroking my fingers along her jaw. “Video call is fine. That’s what I want.”

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