Page 69 of Knight

CHAPTERNINETEEN

DARIAN

No, I just said no. Jackson offered me a magnificent proposal, and I said no. He stands up and puts the ring back in his pocket. I see tears in his eyes. I go to approach him, but he takes a step back.

“Jackson, I’m so sorry. The proposal was beautiful. You’re a beautiful man, and I do love you.” I step toward him again wanting to touch him, but he holds his hand up to stop me. “I just can’t get married again. I didn’t realize that you wanted marriage. We’ve never talked about it. I thought we were on the same page.”

He has his head down. He can’t even look at me. “I thought we were in love.”

“We are in love.”

“People in love want to marry each other.”

“Jackson, I pledged my love and loyalty to another man many years ago. I married him. I know he died, but I can’t betray him like this. I can’t marry someone else.”

“Darian, you’re allowed to be happy. You’re allowed to remarry.”

I shake my head. “You’re not understanding me.”

I can see him starting to get angry. He puffs out his chest. “I’m not understanding? Are you fucking kidding me? I’ve been nothing but understanding. I’ve never had a problem talking about him. I’ve never said anything about all of the pictures of him hanging in your house. I’ve never said anything about your weekly visits. I didn’t complain when you hung out with his high school buddies on Monday nights. I’ve never complained about the fact that I know I will never have your whole heart. Do you comprehend how hard that is for me?”

He swallows. “I love you. You own every ounce of my heart. I have to live with the fact that even though you do love me, which I know you do, no matter what I do, or how much time passes, I will never own your whole heart. You will always save a piece for him. You’re the love of my life, but you’ll never see me as yours. That fucking kills me. Even knowing all this, I still want you. But I won’t settle for halfway. I want you in my bed every damn night. I want you living in my house. I want to wake up to your face every morning for the rest of my life. I want to make love to you every day for the rest of my life. I want you as my wife, Darian.”

We’re both in full-fledged tears now. This is all my fault. I’m responsible for the broken look on his face. I’m responsible for the tears in his eyes. But I can’t give myself to him like that. I belong to another man. I croak out, “I’m sorry Jackson, I just can’t do that to him.”

We ride back to the hotel in silence. He calls and moves our flight up to first thing in the morning. He lays as far away from me as he can. I don’t think either of us actually sleeps a wink though.

We fly home in silence. He drives me to my house, takes my luggage out of the car, and puts it by my front door. I touch his arm and whisper, “Jackson.”

He pulls his arm away from my touch. “Please don’t.” He has tears in his eyes again. He can’t even look at me in the eyes. “I hope you find whatever it is you’re looking for.” He walks away, gets in his car, and leaves.

I whisper, but no one can hear, “You’re what I’m looking for.” I walk inside and close the door. I slide down the wall and start to cry. At some point, I take out my phone to text.

Me: Code red. My house.

Crazy Cassandra: I’m in your bed.

Oh right, she’s staying here. I go to my room and she’s laying in my bed. She sees my face and opens her arms. I lay down and sob. Gut-wrenching sobs. For over an hour I do nothing but sob. She just holds me and lets me do what I need to do.

When it’s clear that I have nothing left in me she pulls back. “What happened?”

“He asked me to marry him.”

“What’s the problem?”

“I’m already a married woman.”

She sighs. “No, Dare, you’re not a married woman. When you were only forty-five years old, your husband died. The day he died you stopped being a married woman. You then spent three years locked up in misery. Then this wonderful man came into your life and brought you back to life. You two are in love. I’ve seen it with my own eyes. There’s no reason you can’t get married.”

“Cass, on my first date with Scott, do you know what quality he told me he valued most in a partner?”

“What?”

“Loyalty. He said he valued loyalty above all other traits. I’ve given him loyalty every single day of our marriage. Even though I’ve spent time with Jackson the past few months, and I admit I have fallen in love with him, in my heart, I need to give some loyalty to Scott. I need to keep this one part just for him and no other man. He’s the only man that I will ever marry. I owe this to him.”

“You’re playing with semantics. You don’t owe this to him. You were an amazing wife to him in his life. That’s what youdidowe him. You keep his memory alive with the girls. That’s what youcurrentlyowe him. You don’t owe him anything else.”

“You just don’t understand. Neither does Jackson.”

---