Page 93 of Indecent Ventures

I quickly dispose of the plug and then scrub myself for an hour. I think I washed my insides as much as my outsides. My whole body is red and raw, but I don’t care. I need it cleaned of him.

It takes time, but I do eventually calm down. My mind is now racing a mile a minute. Did I overact? I don’t know. I’m so confused by what I’m feeling right now.

And that’s the problem. I’m feeling. That’s not me. How did I get here? How did I let this happen? How did I let Collin Fitz in? It was gradual. It wasn’t overnight. But it’s happened. I hate myself for letting it get this far when I know better.

When I eventually surface from the bathroom, I’m wearing one of the hotel robes. Collin is in the bed, in his boxer briefs, facing away from me.

I quietly slide into the bed and face away from him. It takes a few hours of tossing and turning before sleep eventually finds me.

CHAPTERTWENTY

COLLIN

Ididn’t sleep much last night. She’s right in so much of what she said. Maybe all of it. I float along not taking what I want because it’s easier than confronting anyone. While I may joke around and push buttons, I’m afraid of confrontation. She rightfully called me out on it. She might be sixteen years younger than me, but she’s so much smarter and stronger than me. I don’t deserve her.

I was happy she at least got into bed with me last night. I wasn’t sure she would. Part of me feared she would head straight for the airport.

As daylight breaks, I roll onto my back. She’s also on her back, awake, staring at the ceiling.

We’re both silent for several long minutes. Both are aware the other is awake but doing nothing about it.

At some point, she rolls my way and lays the side of her head and face on my chest. “I’m sorry I freaked out on you. My biggest fear in life is ending up like my mother. Twenty-two, pregnant, and alone.”

I squeeze her. “You’d never be alone.”

She nods. “I’m sorry for the things I said. You’ve been very clear since day one what we are. I shouldn’t have turned it on you. I wanted the same things. It’s not fair for me to change the rules mid-game. I know exactly what we are.”

It’s not lost on me that she used the wordwanted, as in the past tense. Does she want something different now? I think I do.

I want to tell her that I want us to be more, but the fact is, I’m afraid of what it will mean. I could lose the most important person in the world to me. I’m afraid I’ll eventually hurt her worse than I did last night. She’s right about me. I’m a coward. At some point, I need to grow a pair.

For now, I just want to be with her and enjoy Mexico. We’ll see what happens when we get home.

I rub her face. “Can we just put this stuff aside for now, relax, and have a fun time while we’re here?”

She looks up and gives me a sweet smile. “I’d like that.”

I hold her chin so that our eyes remain locked. “I need you to know that there’s been no one else since we started things. I’ve never remotely considered it.”

She nods. “For me too.”

We have a nice morning. Since we’re up early, we go for a long walk along the quiet beach. We talk about everything.

I tell her how many times I’ve tried to persuade my family to change their business strategy, but I’m never heard. Admittedly, I keep beating that dead horse over and over, hoping they’ll change their minds, but the simple fact is, they won’t.

I love hearing about her passion for her job. Somehow at only twenty-two, she’s doing what she loves, and at thirty-eight I’m not. It’s amazing how much Reagan trusts her with such an important position and consults her on many big, company-wide decisions. Even though I’ve been doing my job, or some version thereof, for twenty years, my family doesn’t have that same confidence in me. Their lack of faith and support is really wearing on me.

She’s very encouraging of me to leave my family business and go at it alone. She believes in me and, for the first time in my life, I’m starting to believe in myself. I hate that I feel the need to leave the business my father built, but I want to be happy. I want to build what I love.

I’ve never had someone like this to talk to before. I have Carter, who always believes in me, but I can truly be myself with Jade. It’s an intimacy and trust I’ve never shared with anyone, certainly not a woman with whom I share a bed. She makes me want to be a better man. The kind she deserves.

After breakfast, I suggest that she get a long massage in the spa. After the events of last night, I want her to be spoiled and relaxed.

She seems excited about it. She runs up to the room to change while I make all the arrangements.

A man named Miguel will be her masseur. He and I have a little chat about it beforehand and come to a mutual understanding.

I walk her to the spa door and tell her I’ll be back for her in two hours. I tell her I’m going to hit the gym.

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