Page 112 of Indecent Ventures

I sigh. “I loved every minute of it.”

“That’s wonderful. Everything sounds great. What’s the problem?”

“Life. Reality.” I mumble, “He told me he loves me.”

“Ahh. I see. Tell me about that.”

“As you know, we don’t go out in public. For some unknown reason, he was invited to my family’s pool party. It was so painful to have him there and not be close to him. Mexico spoiled me. We could be together and touch whenever and wherever we wanted. And I assure you, we took full advantage of that.”

“I have no doubt about that.”

“Being with him in secret again just sucks. I felt like we were going backward. I was struggling. I couldn’t breathe. I went to the bathroom to gather myself. He followed me in. It was clear he was feeling the same torment. I know this sounds weird because we were in a bathroom up against a wall, but we made love. It was different from any other time we’ve had sex. It was emotional and highly intimate. I fucking cried. Can you believe I fucking cried during sex?”

She smiles.

“Stop smiling. It screwed with my head. I was a basket case. He had his arms around me trying to console me when my father walked in.”

“Oh shit.”

“Oh shitis right. He went nuts because, well, heisnuts. He punched Collin in the face.”

She gasps as she covers her mouth. “Oh my god.”

“It gets worse. They charged at each other. They started fighting and wrestling. They crashed through a big glass wall. Shattered it. Then they fell into the pool and continued fighting. My family eventually jumped in and separated them. Collin chose that moment to announce that he’s in love with me. He said it in front of my whole family.”

“Wow. That’s kind of romantic. How did you react?”

I close my eyes. “I turned around and left.”

“He put himself out there, after literally taking punches from your father, and announced to everyone that he’s in love with you, and you simply left?”

“It sounds bad when you say it like that.”

“Itisbad, Jade. It was an immature response.”

That’s the first time she’s ever said anything like that to me. I put my head down in shame. I know she’s right.

She lets out a deep breath. “I’m sorry. That was judgmental. Tell me why you felt compelled to leave.”

“I was freaked out. I don’t know what else to say. I was scared.”

“Why were you scared?”

“I don’t know. I need you to tell me.”

“I can guess why, but only you can decide the reason.”

With increasing agitation, I say, “Don’t give me therapist bullshit. You’ve been inside my fucked-up head for fifteen years. Tell me what’s wrong with me, damn it!”

It’s the first time I’ve ever raised my voice to her. Even at the beginning when I was really mean to her.

“In my opinion, Jade, you won’t give yourself the leeway to fall in love. You made a decision one day as a hurt little girl that you’d never allow it to happen, and you’re so damn stubborn, that you’ve stuck to it, whether you want to or not. And you know what, Jade?”

“What?”

“You don’t want to stick to it anymore. You’re in love with him. You’ve met your match. Is it permission you need to stray from your self-imposed love prison? If so, please allow me to give it to you. Let me say this in simple terms. He makes you happy. You’re allowed to be happy. Stop torturing yourself.”

I have tears streaming down my cheeks. “Fifteen fucking years of therapy without crying until today. I hate you.”

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