Page 18 of Riding Dirty

Words I hate myself for. Mostly because the look on Romeo’s face as I pushed him away has haunted me every day. He’s the last person on Earth I’d ever want to hurt.

“No, it’s not about him,” I lie and stare out at the lake, watching the waves as they gently lap against the shore.How the hell do I get out of this conversation?

“What’s this about then, sweetheart? You’ve been in your head for weeks. We’re worried about you.”

If I were to tell my parents that I’ve spentevery waking secondthinking about a Death Ranger, they’d have me committed. Thenthey’dspend every waking second wondering where they went wrong as parents. I can’t take that pressure. The pressure of disappointment from the people you’re supposed to be making proud. Anxiety rises in my throat at the mere thought.

I glance back toward my father. “I’m struggling with figuring a major.” This is another lie. I haven’t thought about college once, despite the fact that they’ve been on me to make a decision for years.

He perks. “Oh good! Where are you thinking?”

Considering this thought is not true and I don’t know many colleges, I stick to the easy answer. “Colorado State. I hear they have a good horticulture program.”

“Horticulture?”He looks away. I already know he’s displeased. “Please don’t tell me you’re considering the orchard thing again. There are enough ranches here. You’ll be white noise.”

My chest tightens and sinks. When I was young, I always imagined myself living on a little ranch with a Christmas tree farm and an orchard. I didn’t care what I grew as long as I was down at the market with bushels of fresh fruit every Sunday. He knows this. My whole family does. Their disapproval of my plan is part of the reason I’m stuck in limbo. I snap my gaze back toward him. “What doyouthink I should major in, Dad?”

He shrugs and his tone softens. “A degree costs money is all. You should spend it on something useful. Something that willmakeyou money in return.”

“An orchard will make me money. And technically, I don’t need college to run it.”

He hangs his head and sighs as though he’s fed up with me already. “And where will you get the money to buy this orchard? You’ll need a good-paying job for that. The few hundred you make cleaning my service shop every week won’t support a land purchase that big.”

That’s the truth. I know because I’ve been saving.

“Not sure yet.” I stare down at the sand, squeezing the grains between my toes as I reorganize every disrespectful thing I’m feeling. “I need some space to think, I guess.”

Dad squeezes my hand in comfort, and I stare back out at the lake.

The shoreline is rocky with colorful gravel in shades of green, red, and white. Spindly legged skimmers skitter across the surface as boats roar and thump across waves in the distance. It’s a gorgeous day to enjoy the fresh air and sunshine but I’m not staying.

“I think I’m going to head back to the house.”

Dad stands and wraps me up in a soft hug.

Why am I so worried about disappointing him? Why does it matter? Why can’t I be who I am and stop worrying about what everyone else thinks?

“We’ll miss you here today.” He sighs. “But it sounds like some time to think will do you good. I’ll pack your beach chair when we head out.” He kisses my forehead. “Love you to the moon and back, peanut. We’ll be home later tonight.”

I suck in a breath of fresh air and sunscreen before nodding toward my dad.How am I ever going to break the cord between us?I’m twenty-two. I still live at home. If my parents say they’re going to the beach Sunday, I go to the beach. They still call me peanut. I need to get a handle on my life.

I give my best fake smile and dig my feet into the warm sand as I make my way back up to my car. I love my family, I truly do. They want the best for me, like any good parents would. Trouble is, they don’t really know me.

I slide into the car and pump the air conditioning to high as I filter through my phone for a message I’d saved from Romeo. He sent it weeks ago, but I look it at half a dozen times a day.

‘You have my heart, honey. Always.’

If I hadn’t spent the last year getting to know this guy inside and out, I’d think he was full of it… but I did. I know him. I know what he wants. I know what he needs. I know what he loves, and I want to be the person that gives it to him.

Tears stream down my face. I’ve typed a million responses but never sent one.

What’s the point?

As much as I want it to be, this life isn’t for us.We can’t be together.The sooner I realize that, the better off I’ll be.The better off everyone will be.Besides, this message was sent so long ago, he could’ve realized how dumb he was and moved on by now. I need to move on too. I have a future to plan, and while I may be able to convince my parents that an orchard is my dream, I’ll never convince them that Romeo’s arms are where I’m meant to be.

I stare down at my phone and suck in a deep breath as I type out a response that I should’ve sent months ago.

‘I think I should move on. You should too.’I hover over the send button, biting the inside of my cheek. He’ll probably laugh when he gets the message. Most likely, there’s some other girl next to him, and I’m a distant memory. The thought shatters my heart, but no matter the outcome, I know what I need to do.

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