“And you’re upset about it now.”
“I’m upset... I’m upset at myself. I’m upset about everything. I lied. Okay? I’m a good liar. I lie easier than I do other things. I lied to protect myself. I lied to myself. I told myself it would be easier if you weren’t there, but it hurt me that you rejected the baby. It hurt me that you wanted to take the excuse.”
He stared at her for a long moment, and she felt exposed. “Jessie, what do you suppose this is? What do you suppose can be made of this?”
She knew she was inconsistent. But she’d never been pregnant before. She’d never had a lover before. It was confusing. All of it.
She wanted him here, but she did need some boundaries. Badly.
“It isn’t about me. It’s about the baby. I don’t want you to reject your child.” She suddenly felt tired, and soggier than she would like. “Can we step out of the bathroom, please? I don’t need to have maidenly modesty in your presence, but I do want to get dressed. I’m starting to get chilly.”
Unfortunately, she did feel a measure of maidenly modesty; she just didn’t want to demonstrate it to him. So as soon as she exited the bathroom, she let the towel fall to the floor and walked with as much cool as she could muster to the closet, where she disappeared inside before selecting an outfit.
She’d ordered a great many loose and flowing things.
And leggings that stretched infinitely. She emerged again a moment later with a very large sweatshirt and some of those very leggings.
“Sorry. It isn’t exactly the clothing of a seductress.” She did a small shimmy for effect.
But he was staring at her, and she could see the heat in his eyes.
He should have laughed at the shimmy.
He hadn’t.
“No. If I agreed to marry you for the sake of the baby, for protection, we have to have very clear ground rules. You and I do not play well together.”
“The problem with you and I is that we play rather too well.”
She sighed. “But we can’t just have sex constantly.”
“Agreed, but I’m curious. Why do you feel that way?”
“Because it cost me too much. Because I remember everything. Don’t you understand that? Everything. Every detail. That’s why we had rules. That’s why we could never take lovers. Because of this. Because when I think about that night it’s a film that plays in high definition in my mind over and over again, and I can’t stand it. I can add to it. I can’t... I’m not in love with you. I don’t want to be. I don’t think I could be. I don’t want to be obsessed with you, either. It isn’t fair. It isn’t right. I want more for myself than that. I want to have this new life. I want to have it on my terms. Being forced to do anything because of my father is unconscionable to me. But I acknowledge that this is out of my hands. Out of my control. But I won’t... I can’t. Not again.”
“You will have to marry me. And at as public a venue as possible. It will have to be a story. About that poker game. About that passionate night. It will need to seem as if we are madly in love. Because your father has to believe that there is a wall around you so protective, he cannot cross it.”
“He won’t care...”
“He will. And if it doesn’t work, then he’ll be entrapped. Because I will have men set around you. I will keep you safe, Jessie. I promise you. I will keep the baby safe.”
He lowered his head. “I don’t have a high opinion of fathers.”
“Neither do I. For obvious reasons.”
“I do not know what I can offer this child. I don’t know what I can give. But what I know is that there is a graver sin and that’s not offering protection now when I could.”
“I think that I would be fine if...”
“No. We have to make it impossible for your father to come at you. We have to make you safe. It is paramount that we do so. It is essential. And if I were to stand by and allow him access to you and something were to happen to you, I would never be able to forgive...” He shook his head. “I do not need forgiveness or redemption. But I need you safe. And the baby.”
“Why?”
She was truly baffled by it. He had been willing to walk away from her, to accept that she was able to take care of herself on her own before her father had been introduced into the equation. He had felt no particular loyalty to her then, and no draw to the child. So why now? Why had this made a difference? She truly didn’t get it. She wasn’t someone with an innate moral compass. She could acknowledge that.
She was all right stealing from people as long as they were the right sort of people to steal from. She had been totally fine having sex with him when he was a stranger. She hadn’t been a virgin out of any sense of moral obligation to purity or treating sex like it was special. Her morality was fixed by being raised by a criminal. And otherwise, it was based on largely not wanting to cause harm. But in a blanket sense. She didn’t have the impression that he was much more keyed into honor or morality than she was. So what the hell?
“I cannot and will not allow you to be harmed,” he said. “That’s all you need to know. Because in my mind, there is a very thin line between a man that actively harms those in his care and a man who allows harm to occur because he does not act. This place is hell to me. I will not allow it to become hell for you. Do you understand me?”