Page 34 of Silver Fox's Secret Baby

Yes, they are blurred indeed. The line between what’s inappropriate and appropriate. The line between friend and lover. “I’m not saying we should all be celibate and shouldn’t try to find connection. I’ve just seen things that people have put under the guise of love that I just don’t think are love at all.”

Harley nods. “Like–”

“Violence. And anger. People claim that there’s this thing called love that gives them license to act without rationality and without thinking about what their actions might do to harm other people and…” All of a sudden, I hear myself. Fuck. I’ve harmed in the name of love. Notlovelove. But I’m staring at the woman I didn’t resist even though if the truth came to light, we would be hurting someone close to both of us.

Harley raises an eyebrow. “Go on.”

It feels like she’s taunting me, daring me to say something that I might regret. I’m cornered, a skittering animal held captive by a vixen. The past three hours I wanted nothing more than to be under her spell forever.

Now I want to jump out of my skin.

“Wait a second,” I say. “You don’t believe in love either.”

“This isn’t about me, it’s–”

“Why?”

Harley moves back in her chair as if I’ve just slapped her in the face. “Why?”

I know that she’s seen love fall apart. What happened between her parents would fuck anyone up for the rest of their life. I’m not trying to get her to speak to that. What I want to know is much more nuanced. “You’re so young, Harley.”

She furrows her brow. “So?”

“So…how much can you really have seen to make you think love isn’t real?”

“I…uh, wow,” Harley looks away, scratching her cheek.

“I’ve had a lifetime to reflect on what’s broken about this thing called ‘love’. You’ve had twenty-six years.” Gosh, she’s so young. She’s so fucking young and I’ve spent all this time fantasizing about her. I’d be robbing her of something if I continued to pursue her.

Harley shakes her head, eyes fluttering shut. “You don’t know anything about me.”

“That’s not true.”

“It is. You don’t know anything about me at all. And for you to sit there and act like somehow your experiences regarding love and farce are more important than mine—”

“Hold on, I didn’t say more important.”

“Valuable!” she shouts back.

I see Dre visibly wince in the booth. She’s blown both our eardrums out.

“You think time makes your life experience more valuable. Is that right?” Harley looks at me, her face having fallen. I’ve never seen her like this. Corners of her lips falling, rims of her eyes red.

I’ve hit a nerve. Exposed a whole set of them. “Forgive me. I…that’s not what I meant by that.” There’s no use excusing myself. I’ve hurt her. The last thing I’d ever want to do.

Consequently, I’ve hurt myself as well. I wish I could absorb the pain I’ve just caused her, take it all back.

It’s too late.

“Pick a new question,” Harley says in a fraying voice.

I guess I’ll be the first second question in the grab bag history.

And that’s not an accomplishment I’m proud of.

11

HARLEY

---