Page 100 of Playing With My Fire

I shove the glass back at her. “Can I have another, please?”

She opens her mouth, no doubt to deny me, but then she studies me. Perhaps seeing what a complete train wreck I am. She gives no further argument as she walks right back out the door.

Once she’s gone, I force my gaze to wander over the gown. It’s beautiful, honestly. The prettiest thing I’ve ever seen, but it’s not me. I never imagined myself in a ballgown. Honestly, I never imagined getting married. Of course, my mind wanders to Essie, but I force it down for fear that I’ll break down here in this very spot. I’ve only managed to get through this with a shit ton of denial and a dab of self-loathing. If I ever chose to get married, I think I’d want to wear a sleek white suit.

When I glance at my reflection, I’m shocked to find a tiny wondrous smile on my face. Instead of my groom waiting for me, I see her in a dress that hugs her sexy body. Not this frilly thing with yards of white fluff.

It’s not even white. It’s the lightest pink with so much lace I’m mostly worried I’ll snag it on something. That should be the least of my worries until I consider how much anger it would cause my mother.

The owner returns holding not only a full glass, but the bottle. “You’re not my first nervous bride.”

I force a smile and nod before I carefully take it from her hand. “Thank you.”

She snaps a nod. “Just as long as you don’t puke all over your dress or my shop.”

My smile turns wicked. “I’ll try my best.”

“Are you ready to try it on?” She glances lovingly at the gown, and it reminds me of how Essie looked at me the last time I saw her. Before I broke both her heart and mine.

Shove it all down. Forget you ever found a speck of happiness. This is your life now.

I gulp down my second glass. “As ready as I’ll ever be.”

???

Time seems to both drag on and fly by at the same time.

Before I know it, the eve of my wedding has arrived, and I’m standing at the altar with the man I’m gonna spend the rest of my life with as a harried woman who wears too much perfume yells at us if we step a toe out of line.

“That lady needs a drink.”

I hide my smirk as I steal a glance at my groom. At least he has a sense of humor.

“That or the biggest joint known to mankind,” I quip.

I stealthily try to adjust myself in this dress that’s too tight up top. I guess I’m not used to wearing form fitting clothes, even though my mother has been dressing me like a doll for the past month. It’s like she didn’t control enough of my life.

At least after I get married, I would hope she’d have to let go, at least a little bit. I’ll still be going to the school of her choice, getting the master’s degree that she wanted so that I can work for her. But I won’t be living under her roof anymore. Lee doesn’t seem like the controlling type. In fact, he seems pretty great. If I wasn’t a lesbian, and in love with somebody else, I think I’d feel pretty damn lucky to be marrying him. But since none of that is true, I have to settle for everything else.

“Are you nervous?” he asks so quietly I almost think I made it up.

I study his handsome face, surprised to find a reflection of my own turmoil.

For the first time, I allow total honesty to escape my mouth. “I’m terrified.”

He doesn’t offer platitudes, for which I’m eternally grateful. Instead, he offers commiseration. “Me, too.”

It doesn’t make me feel better about all this, but it certainly helps.

“At least we’re in it together,” I offer.

Hoping… no, praying that he’ll agree.

He nods. “Right. together.”

The rest of the night seems more manageable after that.

Chapter Thirty Six

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