Page 90 of My First Kiss

I freeze, knowing I’ll never be able to utter those words. Of course, I want him. I’ve always wanted him. If anything, I want him more than ever now that I know what it’s like to be with him. But we’re too different. We’re in different places in our lives. Linc is a dad, and his focus needs to be on Ella. After what happened yesterday, I can see how much being with me has distracted him from that. I won’t be the reason that little girl comes home crying from school. But I can’t make myself say the words that will end this. Not yet. I’m too much of a coward for that.

“But if you're pushing me away because you think I'm going to leave or cheat on you or let you down, so you want to end it before that happens, don't. And don’t try to hide behind Ella. She doesn’t deserve that, and neither do I.”

I open my mouth to argue. That’s not what I’m doing. I’d never blame a child for adult problems.

Linc’s fingers tighten slightly on my upper arms. “I can't tell you what the future holds, but I know I've never felt this way for anyone else. Never. I think you feel it too. And that's worth holding onto. That's worth fighting for. So, stay with me. Please.”

Panic blooms inside me at his words. He’s right, I know. I’ve never felt anything like this for another person. And it terrifies me. I’ve only ever seen relationships fail. I’ve only ever known the ones that don’t work out. And none of them have ever broken me. But this? Loving Linc and then losing him? That would break me. My eyes prick with unshed tears and my vision blurs.

"Linc,” I manage in a choked whisper.

"Answer one question, Harlow," he says, his voice somehow soothing me. "Answer it and then I'll go.”

"What?" I ask, unable to stop the question from spilling out.

"Will you be happier if we go back to just being friends? If we end this and you and I go back to what we were before that first kiss, will you be happier than you were the other night, slow dancing with me in the kitchen after Ella went to bed?”

My brain automatically conjures the memory of his arms around me as we swayed slowly to Otis Redding that night. I’ve never felt such peace. I’ve never felt so at home as I did in his arms in that kitchen.

“If the answer is yes,” Linc says, “I'll leave, and we can go back to the way things were."

The idea is so abhorrent that I want to immediately protest. I want to throw myself at him and beg him to forget that the last ten minutes ever happened. But I can’t seem to say anything. I’m afraid that whatever I say will be the thing that ruins everything. So, I stand there frozen while Linc talks.

“You want to know what I thought while we were dancing? I thought, ‘Wow. So, this is what Luke was talking about.’” My brows lower in confusion, but Linc just smiles.

“I asked him once how he knew that Piper was the one for him and that he loved her. How, with all the women in the world, could he be certain that she was it for him? He told me, 'I just knew.'” He looks at me, his brown eyes filled with something I don’t recognize.

“And he was right,” he says. “So, I'm going to go now. I'm going to give you time and space to decide what you really want. But just for now. I need you to know that I'm not giving up on you. On us. I'm not one of those other guys. I can see how amazing you are, and if you let me, I'll spend every day from now until forever showing you how amazing we are together.”

Linc bends down and plants a gentle kiss on my forehead. I close my eyes as tears escape and fall down my cheeks. I stand there unmoving long after I hear the door open and close behind him. Even without that sound and without opening my eyes, I can tell he’s gone. The room feels colder and darker without Linc here to brighten it.

I stand there for several long seconds, thinking about everything he just said. I try to piece everything together, to make sense of it. But my mind keeps going back to one thing. Love. Did he say love? Does Linc love me? My heart pounds in my chest when I dare to let myself consider the idea of Linc loving me.From now until forever.That’s what he said. Forever. With Linc by my side. With Ella. A future with someone who loves me and won’t let me down. Do I really think I’m capable of that? I shy away from the answer to that question and consider the one he asked me.

Will I be happy if we go back to just being friends? I want to laugh at the absurdity of the thought. Of course, I won’t be happy going back to being friends with Linc. I don’t even know if that’s possible after these past few weeks. The idea of going back to awkward greetings and stilted conversations after everything we’ve shared is ridiculous. But that’s not what he’d asked me. He didn’t ask if it’s possible; he asked if it would make me happy. And I hadn’t given him an answer. Like an idiot, I’d just stood there and let him walk out.

What the fuck is wrong with me?

Chapter 31

Linc

Walking away from Harlow is one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. I felt like I was leaving a piece of myself behind as soon as the door closed behind me. By the time I reach my truck, I feel like I might be sick. But I don’t know what else to do. I might be head over heels in love with her, but she isn’t there yet. I ignore the little voice in my head telling me that she may never get there. I refuse to consider that.

She just needs time to realize that we belong together. I thought I’d done enough to show her that she can trust me; that I’ll be here for her, no matter what. But after today, I can see that it’s not something that has a determined finish line. It’s something I’ll have to keep showing her, over and over again. For as long as it takes for her to realize I’m not going anywhere. I’m never going to give up on her. Or us.

So, I’d told her just that. And then, like an idiot, I left. What if she really does end it? I feel a pang in my chest at the thought before I push it away. I can’t afford to think that way. I need to have some optimism. She just needs time to think things through. I know she cares for me. I can feel it each time she kisses me. I can see it in the way she looks at me. I just need to be patient. I can do that. I can wait as long as it takes for her to see that we belong together. I blow out a breath and tighten my grip on the steering wheel.

I need to put the truck in gear and drive, but I can’t force myself to put more distance between us. Besides, I don’t know where to go. I should go to work, but I know I won’t be able to focus on the job. And that could put someone in danger. I could go home, but everything there reminds me of Harlow. Plus, with it being empty it will just depress me. I could go to Peach Fuzz. But Cole is there, and he’ll ask questions I’m not ready to answer. I could go see Luke, but chances are he’s with Piper. Like I need the reminder of what a happy, committed couple looks like when I might have just blown my last chance to be happy with the woman of my dreams. I mutter a curse and reach for the gear shifter, but a knock at my window has me jumping in my seat.

Heart pounding, I turn to see who’s there. My heart stutters before racing into overdrive. Harlow is standing there, tears trailing down her cheeks. The sight of her crying is like a punch in the gut. She never cries. Unbuckling my seatbelt, I push open the door and climb out. Before I can say anything, Harlow is in my arms, her face buried in my chest. I wrap my arms around her and just hold her.

“Don’t go.” Her choked voice is like a knife in my chest.

“Oh, baby,” I whisper. “I’m here. I’m not going anywhere.”

“I’m sorry.”

I shake my head. “Shh. Don’t. You have nothing to be sorry for.”

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