Page 7 of The Biggest Sacrifice

“I’m coming back, Farrah. Try to forget me.You can’t.I’m in your head and in your heart. No matter what you say, I’m always going to be there. I’m coming back for you, mouse.”

I squeeze my eyes closed, willing the tears away. His words are cold and meaningless. And say nothing about his own feelings. He’s only telling me what I already know, and what I already feel about him. He will always be in my heart, but I need to be in his. I need to know what he wants and where I stand in his life. He’s given me everything of himselfbuthis heart. I can be his power when he’s weak, if he’d let me. But I’m afraid I’ll never get that. I’m afraid there’ll be no coming back this time.

“Lions don’t have to roar to let others know they’re king. Remember that, Tommy.”

CHAPTER 3

TOM

We’re packedlike cattle on a C5. We’ve lined this cargo troop carrier with Marines at the top while the bottom half of the plane houses our killing equipment. It’s cold and my toes are cramping inside my boots already. But my adrenaline is flowing. Despite my lack of sleep, I’m ready and just want to get to our destination.

Leaving was hard this morning. My mom was silently sobbing. She’s said these goodbyes enough times to know how it works, but the emotion gets the best of her every time. I get it. I do. I’m not that cold-hearted. I just have a different way of handling said heart. My guilt has desensitized me over the years and shutting everyone and everything out has become my way of coping.

There was no big life-changing event or trauma that said ‘run and join the military.’ I have a great family. We’re close, sometimes too close. My dad has a well-established career that I could have fallen right into alongside him. But the innate need to protect only got stronger as I got older. I always did it for my twin, giving up so he could have; stepping back so he could be heard. I trained myself to put the needs of others above my own. Sacrifice my wants for someone else.

Being a twin has both a way of making you stand out and blend in at the same time. We got attention because there were two of us, then we got attention because Billy is wild as fuck. They categorized me as the quiet one, because I was always on the ready to tame him, pull him back from the ledge. I also ended up being unseen because he always stole the limelight. That could be why I'm the person I am today. The stoic protector. The one who never gets riled. No matter how I feel, life taught me I had to curb those feelings and protect my brother from whatever shit he got himself into.

But deep down, there was just more I was searching for. A calming to the intense spirit growing inside me. That feeling only grew stronger the more I was around her. A primal need to control and take charge emerged.

The life-changing event for me came after I joined the military. And it changed who I was and how I perceived things around me. When I joined, I wanted to be broken down and rebuilt. I wanted to findme. Wanted to understand who I was because all I knew was that I had a lot of big feelings I couldn’t name and there was an entire world out there waiting for me to survive it. Service kept me focused when I didn’t know what to do with my emotions. When I didn’t know what to feel, I channeled it into action. The strict order of the military is the only thing that gave me a reprieve from those feelings.

But it awakened something new inside me at the same time. I could name these feelings now. It was primal. A need to hunt. To own. Then a need to protect what I claimed. I wanted to claim Farrah. I couldn’t understand how a look from one woman lit up my entire world. And I thought I was too young to feel what I felt for her. It scared me. I thought I needed to get away from it all. I thought I needed to see what else the world had for me.

But those feelings never left me. In fact, they increased the more time I was away from her. And I knew what I needed to do to expel them. However, the extra heavy feelings and guilt I brought home from service? Those I was not prepared for. I tried to flee from the first, which only made it more intense, then I searched for a way to break free of the second. I was so twisted up inside, knowing I was compensating for one emotion by covering it with the other. So I forced myself to form new feelings for my surroundings. New feelings for how I reacted and dealt with people.

With love.

Withher.

I was one big ticking time bomb waiting to go off.

And once I went from active duty to reservist, I joined the police force, hoping to channel those feelings into doing good for my town. If I put everything on a smaller scale, maybe I’d manage it better. Maybe I could have Farrah and have my duty and slowly get over my failures that cost a life.

I need to do for others what I couldn’t do for him.

And when that fails, Farrah helps that side of me, without even knowing anything about it.

Farrah.

I can’t tell her. I can’t disappoint her, too.

Her fearful yet sad eyes that watched me walk away from her last night will forever burn inside my brain. Hope filled me when she knocked on my door early in the morning. But her words. They echo in my head.

I waited too long. And now I’ve lost her.

My brothers gave me knowing looks when I looked around for her, hoping with whatever last shred I had that she’d show. They didn’t ask, and I didn’t offer any information. The girls talk. I’m sure they all knew what I did. And how she set me straight afterwards. Francesca was hovering but didn’t say a word. I felt it from her, though. She wanted to punch me, yet hold me close and never let me go.

Jackson and Adam stood with their women. We did the regular manly goodbyes. See you when I see you.

Billy, though. Being a twin is something I can’t explain. I feel twice the emotion, twice the pain, twice the fun. It’s strange, but it’s something I’ve become accustomed to. I actually believe it’s why I have such a need to dispel this energy. I have twice as much as anyone else. And Billy really packs it in, let me tell you.

I had to get out of there as soon as possible so as soon as I saw one of my guys from my team; I beelined towards him. We had our packs ready, checked the second flight for materials, and were ready to board. I pull my phone out, preparing to turn it off for the next twelve months, and see a text.

Farrah: You’re right. You’ll always be in my head and in my heart. And I knew all along how this was going to end. It wasn’t forever. I was something to pass the time with. I was just a goal to chase. And you got it. So now, go brag about it. Sit at night by yourself knowing you got over on someone. You played with their feelings and won. But in the end, I won. Because I wasn’t fake. I wasn’t lying. I’m loyal and caring and everything that I said was said with meaning. When you understand that, you can come back to me.

I chew on my lip, wanting to crush my phone. I knew I was in too deep with her. My brothers warned me. And if I’m being honest with myself, I was okay with being in deep. But then I got the call. I’ve fought these feelings all along with this girl. Since we were in high school. I know I need her. I know she’s the one. But now?

Now we are seventeen hours into our twelve-month deployment and I’m in my fucking thirties, still choosing service over self because I know nothing but that.

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