Page 42 of The Biggest Sacrifice

I pour us each a glass, then bring the bottle with me, hand him his glass and sit back on the couch. Steadying myself, I say, “I’ve heard the story, Tom. They’ve repeated what was told to them. But I need to know more. I need the truth. You know the higher ups gloss over it. Give me that, Tom. Don’t diminish it. I need to know how it happened.”

“Not today, O’Brien.” I can literally see the wall go up in my face. Tom’s eyes gloss over and he retreats into himself, shutting out the world.

“Then when? It’s never going to go away unless you talk about it. We talk about him as if he’s still here. We have to honor him that way. Don’t push it away. Don’t ignore it. That’s not doing any good for anyone. And worst of all? You’re still punishing Farrah.”

He lunges from the chair, and I brace myself. “Hear me out! Then you can punch me.”

I watch as he settles back down in the chair, but he’s agitated. His body is tight and I”m afraid of how this is going to affect him. If this is how he’s been living, it’s no wonder he can’t get close to anyone.

“Tom. Look at yourself. Really feel what’s happening right now. Physically, you look like you’re going to crack. This isn’t good. What if this happens while you’re on the job? What if you fall into a train of thought that takes you away from your job and-”

“That’s exactly what happened!” He screams at me. “That’s just it. I was fucking preoccupied. Thinking about getting home. Leaving there, leaving my team. I just wanted to be wrapped around Farrah instead of where my call was.”

I sit silently and watch him.

“I was distracted. I was imagining being balls deep in my girl and I let my men down. I lethimdown.” I watch helplessly as he drops his head and I see his body sag. “And then I let his parents down. And his girl.” He picks his head up, his eyes glistening. “And now you.”

I swallow hard. This is how I felt. I felt I let my family down. I wasn’t even there, but that was the point, right? I wasn’t there to protect my youngest cousin.

“Tom, you didn’t let anyone down. He knew the risk. We all know the risks. But we take them anyway, right? You continue to take them every time you answer another call. And that’s what I’m saying to you. You don’t have to risk it anymore. You shouldn’t risk it anymore! You’ve got a second chance, hell, probably a fifth fucking chance-”

“And how’s that fair to JT? Huh? Why should I get more chances than him?”

“It’s not about getting more chances, it’s about using the ones that are given to you.” I down my glass then refill again but I don’t sit and drink until I see him do the same. I refill his and we both settle in again. “Let me tell you, JT was a fucking maniac. That guy had about as many lives as a cat does. I could tell you so many instances where he almost bit it before we even turned sixteen. So don’t think for a second that anything you did or didn’t do resulted in his death.”

“How can you say that? I was in charge of them. I was in charge that night! I took us out, we weren’t even supposed to be there. It wasn’t our shift to have but I felt cocky. I didn’t think anything was going to happen. We were close to going home. I let precautions slip because I was thinking of the early leave we were just informed of, thinking of getting home to my family, to Farr-”

“And you don’t think he couldn’t wait to get home to fuck his girl, either? You ever think he was just as distracted and didn’t see it coming? You don’t think his head was somewhere else instead of where it should be, watching out for his men, you and himself? Why are you taking this all on yourself?”

“Because it was my job to make sure they all got home!”

He erupts and my heart breaks. It’s one thing to join. It’s another to move up in ranks and slowly take on more. Take on more people’s lives as your own. It’s what a genuine man does. A true leader. Tom is that guy. I knew it just from hearing the way his family spoke of him. And when he came home, and I saw the way he carried himself, along with knowing now the burden of JT’s death he’s been holding onto, it all makes sense.

“And now that you’re back, it’s your job to make the best ofyourhome.”

Taking my last step over the line tonight, I might as well go all in. “She doesn’t understand, Tom. All she knows is that you came home different that time. And every time after that, it got harder. She’s waiting for the one she loves to return. She’s stronger than you think. She’s not the little mouse that you call her. Give her all of you, she can take it. “

CHAPTER 24

TOM

What a fucking emotional night.

Now I understand Cash’s familiarity. The more he spoke, the more he moved around, the more I saw JT in everything he did.

And it felt good.

It was sad, too, heavy, but a piece of me feels that I still have him here with me.

We continued to drink until the bottle was empty. This salted caramel whiskey was a favorite of JT’s and he’s the one who turned me onto it. So it seemed only right to finish it. We poured the last bit into a third glass and let it sit between us on the table until our own glasses were empty. Then, like the drunken idiots we were, we went outside to my patio and lit my fire pit, smashing our glasses into the middle of it. Then we poured JT’s whiskey into the fire, igniting the flames. We whooped and hollered in our small town, and since the night was a perfect temperature and the wind was silent, our chaos no doubt carried through the air. If my family heard us, they left us to work it out ourselves.

I’m paying for it today though. The emotion is still thick and the whiskey is making my head even heavier. I slowly throw my arm out, searching for my phone and I realize I’m still on the couch. There’s light pouring in through the sliders that were left open after we made our way in from the fire pit.

“Turn off the fucking lights.” I hear Cash croak out the words, and I peel my eyes open to see him draped across the chair.

“Stop yelling.”

“I’m not.”

---