Page 27 of The Biggest Sacrifice

I’mup at the crack of dawn. My body is eager for movement. For excitement. Anything. I need to get to the station. Get back into a schedule.

Figure out a way to get Farrah back.

I get myself together, grab my keys, and I’m out the door earlier than usual. I head to the bakery, knowing she’s there, helping her parents this morning before going to the school. I'm hoping my presence will prove that I still want what we had. And more. I need her to be my routine again. I miss her face in the morning. It was awful for the year I was away.

I park and jump out of my truck, willing myself to slow down, not look so eager. But why not? I need to show her I can do more. Every little bit counts, right?

‘She deserves more than a little bit, you fucking asshole.’The angel on my shoulder chastises me.

The devil responds, ‘We’re doing the best we can, bud. Take it easy on yourself.’

I don’t miss the oxymoronic view of my thoughts with these two, that’s for sure. Making the devil the nice guy and the angel the rotten one. Maybe it’s my way of explaining my own terrible traits.

I walk in, the ringing of the bells alerting Farrah I have arrived. Our eyes connect while she’s working at the counter and I’m met with a startled look. I'm not sure if it’s a good or an unwelcome surprise. I don't like not being able to distinguish between her emotions anymore.

She’s changed. And you missed it.

“Morning, Farrah.”

She drops her eyes from me and begins cleaning up the counter, moving items all around, but leaving a coffee cup, and doing anything to be busy and not make eye contact.

We haven’t spoken since the day she walked out on me. It was wrong of me to take her to my house. Wrong to expect she would just jump right back into bed with me. I want to tell her all that. I want to open up. I’m just afraid of what she’ll think when she hears all I have to say. I can start with an apology, though.

I lean down on the counter, and she turns to pour a cup of coffee for me. “Farrah, listen. I know the other day was-”

“Officer Casanova! Good to see you’ll be on time for your first day back on the job.”

The voice has me whipping my head around as I see Cash walking towards me. His smug look has me wanting to take my coffee and throw it in his face. And when he sidles up next to me, grabbing the cup that was sitting there, my eyes narrow on him.

“You can’t make coffee at home?”

He looks at Farrah and smiles while lifting the cup to his mouth. “It tastes sweeter here.”

I ball my hands into fists and step closer. “You know what? I’m sick of seeing your face already, O’Brien. If you don’t mind, I’m trying to talk to Farrah. Maybe you should get to work.” I eye him, finally noticing he’s in uniform.

Fuck.

We’re going to be at the station together today.

He knocks on the counter and acts like I didn’t even speak. “Have a good one, Farrah. Say hi to your parents.” He turns, winks at me, and heads for the door. I wait for the chimes to tell me he’s gone.

“Farrah.” I call her name, just like I've said it a thousand times before, waiting for her automatic response to me. Only this time, she doesn’t move. Her body doesn’t respond to me like she used to. She used to have to fight to hold herself back from me. This time, she doesn’t even flinch at my beckon. I take a breath and let it out. I’ve really fucked this up.

“I’m sorry.” Two little words that I wish could convey exactly how sorry I am. I wish they could contain all the words I need to say to her, but nothing feels good enough. So, for right now, it’s the only two I can get out.

She turns to me, eyes glistening and fuck me, I do not want to make her cry this early in the morning. Every time I’m around lately, she’s crying.

“Thanks for the coffee.” I grab my to-go cup and head for the door, slowly, hoping she calls me back. When I don’t hear her voice, I turn and see her facing away from me again. My heart sinks as I continue out the door.

* * *

Pulling up to the station,I’m fucking pissed off, my anger burying my guilt today. This is the exact feeling I was hoping to stay away from. I need to be here at work, be active. For a small town, Christmas still gets its share of strange calls. Mixed with Farrah, it’s usually enough to carry me through.

But without my outlet of Farrah, I’m tense. And Cash will not help this attitude of mine. Or maybe he will. If I punch him in the face, I’ll get the outlet I need. But then I’ll be placed on leave for two weeks and be in the same situation as I am now.

Round, and round we go.

I enter through the back entrance and head to my locker. Nice to see it’s still there. I glance at the name next to mine now. Fucking O’Brien. This guy is quickly becoming the bane of my existence. I strip down, then suit up. My badge and belt going on last, I walk out to the main floor. I get the usual welcome back. Most of the officers here are great. I missed the gang. Before I head to Chief Hunter’s office, I’m introduced to the new dispatch girl.

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