Page 23 of The Biggest Sacrifice

He squeezes my hand and wipes the lone tear that has escaped.

“How do you know, Cash? What have you gone through?”

A brief smile appears and his eyes get glassy. “I lost someone, and it’s hard to pull out and see the good again. In anything. It’s hard to feel like you deserve it. But we do. I do.” He clears his throat. “Just don’t miss out on you while waiting for him. Some of us never get that chance.”

CHAPTER 14

TOM

Guilt is a funny thing.It’s a constant reminder of how you’ve failed someone. No amount of those guilty feelings can change the past. And no amount of worries and what ifs can change the future. So instead, I’ve learned to live my last seven years, day to day, with remorse, regret and anger.

We weren’t even supposed to be on guard that night. But there had been some action throughout the week. Radicals shooting off in the mountains. Some rebels were getting frisky, running to the gates and shaking them, only to back off once we hit them with the spotlight. It was mainly a non-issue, so none of us got too excited.

However, we got word earlier in the day that there had been a car bomb set off in the middle of town. A group from our unit assessed the situation. They questioned the locals to see if they heard or knew anything. So, though it wasn’t our night for duty, I replaced the crew who was on and took my team instead.

If something was going to happen, I wanted it to be on my watch.

What a stupid egotistical way to think.

And then, while on that watch, I let my mind wander to her.

I wantedto be home in the arms of Farrah, searching for a different type of high. I’m no longer getting the release I used to get from being here. I watched her for years and those feelings only grew stronger. To the outside world, she was innocent and pure. And I was a wild Casanova. Not as wild as my twin, I just kept my moves silent. Kept them hidden. But she made me think about things with a basic need. I had to have her. I had to own her.

And she wanted it too. She wasn’t as innocent as she portrayed.

But oh, did I dream about her. Late at night alone in my bed, I’d pull her to the front of my mind, and I’d dream of catching her. Like a cat-and-mouse game, she’d run, and I’d let her get away.

But only for a moment. Then I’d rush her.

Pin her.

Grab her.

Let her go again.

I’d dream of letting her get only inches away from me. That shy smile would widen and it made the hunt even better. She was my prey, and she knew it.

And then I’d whisper, “You can run. But know I’m going to catch you.”

She’d scream, and I’d let her get a head start, but I’d catch her.

I would always catch her.

I waseager to get home to her. We had just been given word we’d be leaving this dump a week earlier than usual. So I let my mind go to her.

My distraction that night cost a life.

On the three-year anniversary of his death, I knew it was time to meet with JT’s parents and his fiance. I almost couldn’t face them. I held the phone all day, dialing and hanging up, wanting to cancel but knowing I owed it to them, and him, to meet them. Talk with them.

Admit their son is dead because of me.

Instead of the hate I expected to receive, they welcomed me. We cried together. They held me up as much as I held them up. They showed me letters he wrote and sent home, saying how much he looked up to me. How I was keeping him sane. How my stories of my ridiculous family and crazy twin had him laughing well into the long nights he was away. During that time, he and I bonded, and I felt closer to him than I did to my own twin brother. We were experiencing something that only those who served together could understand.

JT said he felt safe with me and trusted me with his life. And he said that if something ever happened, ‘Casanova was not to blame’. It would be a sneak attack. It would be something out of our control. I was not to blame. Ever. He was proud to serve under me and on my team. He couldn’t wait to get back to the states so we could all meet.

He teased me about Farrah. Told me I was a fool for not grabbing hold of her and locking her down because I was an ugly fucker and would never get a girl hotter than her.

Then his fiance asked me where Farrah was. Asked me if I had finally done right by her. She said she wanted to come to her ‘brothers’ wedding and to not fuck it up anymore than I already had with this girl. But the three of them told me the same thing.

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