Page 19 of The Biggest Sacrifice

His fingers are dancing inside me and I grip his forearm of the hand that's holding my neck. “I missed you too, Tommy. So much.”

He takes my mouth, and it’s rough, yet sweet. I can feel his need, feel his love. This is how he shows it. He can’t ever get the words out that I long to hear him say. And for so long, I accepted his actions as his way of showing his love.

But Cash is right. I deserve communication. I deserve to have a relationship that fulfills me and my needs.

I pull back from his kiss. “Tommy. Wait.” He immediately pulls back, both of us panting. His fingers freeze inside me, but he doesn’t remove them.

“We need to talk first.”

He pulls his hand from me, the band of my shorts snapping back on my skin, loosens the hold around my throat and steps back. The instant loss felt like a slap in the face.

“No, don’t move away from me. But listen, it’s been a long year. We need to talk this out.” I grab hold of his hand, feeling my wetness on his fingers. I close my eyes and take a breath.

“Farrah.”

“Tommy. This isn’t fair to me. You’ve got to give me something.” I can’t stop my pleading tone or that I’m jumping right into this. I’ve waited long enough. There is no more time to tiptoe around what we are to each other.

He drops his head and shakes it, but I continue. “Yes, Tommy. We’re doing this. I need to know. Look at me.” I tilt his head up. “Do you think of me the way I think of you? Because I spent every single day checking the phone for a text. A missed call. I stopped and prayed a hundred times a day, and wondered if you were okay.”

He continues to stare back at me. “I’ve done this every time you went away. Every time you left, it wrecked me. I couldn’t sleep. I worried myself to death. Yet I couldn’t ever say anything. I stayed a strong force for your family, because they needed it. But no one was there for me, Tommy. This time, it was different. It felt different and everyone saw it. This time, they treated me as the one who lost you, not the other way around. They were there for me, as if I was yours.” I pause, waiting for any kind of emotion from him. “I never made you give us a title. I said I didn’t need it. But what I do need now is for you to acknowledge me. Show me what I mean to you.”

“Farrah, you deserve better than me.”

“Stop saying that! I don’t know why you think that. You’re a good man!”

“I’m not a good man, Farrah. It’s been a long time since I’ve been a good man. And not just to you.”

“What do you mean, not just to me? Tell me, Tommy.” My heart is racing, I don’t like when he talks this way about himself.

“I know I’m not giving you what you need, yet I won’t let you go either.” His words are vacant and devoid of any emotion. He’s just talking. Just stringing together words that he thinks are enough to keep me hanging on.

“You’re not giving me anything but words in a circle!” I cry. “You broke me, Tommy! I trusted you. I gave you pieces of me I haven’t offered to anyone. Things I haven’t talked about in years, I toldyou. You made me question everything. My timing. My life. What comes next? And then you left me to fumble with it. I tried to comprehend why this feels like it is just a game for you. Did you grow bored? Did you get enough of my pieces to just sit back and say you won? Are you mocking me while I sit here sorting out my feelings? Alone? You pulled me in, then left.You left me, Tommy.Imagine having a best friend, loving them then fallingin lovewith them, waiting for them to see it too. And instead, for you, it was just a moment in time.”

He’s looking at me but not saying a word. That blank veil has taken over his features. But his eyes. They swirl with awareness.

“If I knew the day I met you, you were going to end up breaking my heart, I don’t know if I would have stayed to introduce myself or turn and run. And that’s the worst part, it makes me second guess my worth.”

I swallow down the lump. Everything I’ve wanted to say for the last year just spills from my lips.

“I’m trying to make sense of it. I’m trying to find out where we went wrong. But I think in the end I just wasn’t as important to you as you were to me.”

I wait. I watch. Hoping for some kind of emotion. And it never comes.

“I wish I could take it all back. Let me go, Tommy. Let me go.”

CHAPTER 11

TOM

Her tears rundown her face and I solidify myself to take the berating I deserve. I can’t say anything to dispel her words because she’s right. I did all of what she said. But not because I wanted to hurt her, but because I thought I was protecting her. If I didn’t show her my dark, it wouldn’t ruin her. She could still be my light.

“I broke my rules for you.”

“What rules? Tommy, please!”

“We were only supposed to be just friends. I never wanted to make you mine because I knew I was leaving. I would always leave and it’s not fair to you, you’re right. But I couldn’t stop myself. I’m selfish and I wanted you, anyway. Even though I knew I’d never be able to give you more than ‘just friends’.”

Her eyes search mine with hurt while I confirm her thoughts, her fears. I’ve never said more. I’ve never said I love you. I’ve never even said we were exclusive. It was assumed because we always showed up together. It’s been Tommy and Farrah for quite some time that I felt I didn’t need to explain our situation to anyone.

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