Page 17 of The Biggest Sacrifice

“With every breath I have, I will always pray for that, Tom.” It flows from his mouth with speed. Like he’s been waiting for me to ask and he had that answer ready to go. “I know it’s selfish. I know I don’t understand, like you said, but I don’t think you understand how it is here when you leave.”

“It’s not selfish, but it’s a big ask. Service is my life, Bill! It’s what I know. And I know you view it as if I’m running from being here in Christmas. You all do. But it’s not that at all.”

We’re quiet with each other. Retiring is something that’s been on my mind for quite a while. Even before I got the last call, it crossed my mind a few dozen times. I just couldn’t see any other way of living, though. The calls are few, so I didn’t focus on it. I just lived the day to day and when it happened, I dealt with it then.

But this last one may have just ruined the future for me. Did my life's call sacrifice my tomorrow? What good is the word ‘retired’ if Farrah won’t have me now, anyway?

I want to say it out loud. I especially want to give my twin the words he longs to hear. But once I say those words, I can’t take them back. I need to sit with my decision and talk to Farrah first. She needs to know my reason for choosing to leave all those times before. And what my choice is for the future.

CHAPTER 10

FARRAH

Waking up this morning,not especially hung over, but feeling that last margarita I had, I go in search of coffee. If I’m being honest with myself, I wanted to go home with Tommy last night. I never got over him, despite breaking up with him before he left, but I was over the situation he put me in. The girls didn’t help either by putting thoughts in my head about Tom wanting me after seeing me with Cash. He should have wanted me all along and wanted me enough to let me in, not just because someone else has shown interest.

I can be the military girlfriend or wife of a cop, if we ever got there. Whatever it is he needs from me, I can be for him. If only he would commit to me. I know something happened while he deployed all those years ago. My mind wanders and I can only imagine, but until he tells me, I have to remain that strong force, and wait it out until he’s ready to talk.

When he’s weak, I can carry us. And when he needs to be the power, I can let him. I don’t know why he can’t see that balance between us. We’ve already been doing this whether he wants to admit it or not.

As soon as he came home, he fell into his power role. Which is fine. I expected it because he needed to gain some control of his surroundings. He needed to find his place with us and in the family again.

What I don’t like is that it feels like he’s only doing it because Cash is here, on his territory. Once he finds out that Chief Hunter has decided to keep them both on the force, I suspect it will make him spiral even more.

I told Tom there could be no expectations of us as a couple when he came home. I need more than what he’s been giving, and he knows that. I know he can give it. It’s deep in him. I’ve felt it.

But he won’t relinquish the hold on himself and this closed off feeling from him just isn’t working for me anymore.

Sipping my coffee, I grab my phone and see a string of texts from the girls. I shake my head at the craziness that is my tribe, but love them all the same.

Cash: Hey girl, hope you’re feeling okay this morning. I could use a coffee. Meet me at eleven? I start my shift at noon.

Me: Sounds perfect. See you in a few.

I felt uneasy at first about still getting together with Cash, even after I said I couldn't see us as anything more than friends. I didn’t want to lead him on. He insists I’m not and that he’s checked his feelings, but I feel the tension between him and Tom. I need to talk to Cash and make sure it’s a friendly concern and not a lover’s jealousy.

A quick shower, jeans, tank and a little lip gloss and I’m out the door heading for the bakery. It’s Sunday morning, and the place is full. I’m happy to see it. I sneak in the back, wave to the staff, and give my mother a quick hug hello.

“Oh, good morning, honey. I didn’t think I’d see you so early. I know you all went out last night. I’m so happy to hear Tom is home! Janet called me super excited last night that she got to hug him and hold him!”

I smile at my Mom’s exuberance. She’s always loved Tommy and the entire Casanova Family. It thrilled her to hear Tommy and I were spending time together. But I know she’s expecting it to go somewhere and, well, I’ve given up that expectation a long time ago.

“Cash is here. He’s already grabbed your coffee.” She nods to the corner table by the front window that we always sit at. As a cop, he likes to watch the door and monitor the outside surroundings.

“Good morning,” I slide into the chair next to him and accept the coffee he pushes my way. “How are you doing?”

He stretches back in the chair, crossing his legs at the ankle. “I feel pretty good. But I am feeling my full thirty-four years today, that’s for sure.”

I smile. “Yup, that was my thought this morning, too. I definitely don’t bounce back like I did when I would go out drinking at twenty-two.” I’m aware the emotional toll, mixed with the drinks, plays a huge role in how my body feels this morning, too.

“At least I can go home and relax after this. The children will be in full force tomorrow morning, so I need the time to recoup today.”

“Yeah, I’m wishing I could lie in bed, too, but alas. The wild city of Christmas needs me.” He slashes his hand through the air, laughing, but then straightens in his chair and leans closer to me. “Last night was fun. How are you feeling after seeing Tom again?”

I fall back in my chair with my hand over my eyes. “The killer questions at such an early hour!”

He laughs at my dramatics and grabs my hand. “You know I don’t beat around the bush. I need to know!” He lets my hand go. “He felt very territorial about you. I wasn’t sure if it was because he was working his way back in with everyone and trying to stake claim or if he just didn’t like that I was there.”

Not sure how to answer, all I can do is shrug. Cash knows Tommy and I had been exclusive for some time. He’s also aware that Tom won't put his all in and that I need that from him to move forward. “I mean, I missed him. A lot. I hate that he leaves, but I understand service is who he is. Who am I to tell him to leave that? And besides, he doesn’t even know you. How can he not want you there?”

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