Page 16 of The Biggest Sacrifice

Billy usually gets the drunkest and is no good for anything the next day, but I watched last night as he controlled himself. Adley stood close by, when I noticed him getting a little crazy with the shots. Then they disappeared for a bit, but both came back looking disheveled and with grins plastered to their face.

He switched to soda after that.

Maybe she’s his drug of choice now.

“What’s going on, man?” Bill steps through the doorway and hands me a cup of coffee.

I make a show of checking my watch, then raise a brow at him. “This is new. You’re up before noon after a night out?”

He shrugs, a smile crossing his lips. “I feel good. And wanted to come see you.”

I eye him. “Adley the one making you feel good?” I adjust myself on the couch, sitting up straighter, as he falls into the chair across from me.

“Tom, I know I said I’d be an eternal bachelor but this chick...” his voice trails and he shrugs. “She’s easy to be with. She takes me seriously, then doesn’t, all at the same time. I can be myself with her. No show. Though, she does like my show.” He waggles his eyebrows and we both chuckle as I read his expression. He looks content. He looks healthy. And that’s all that I’ve ever wanted for my twin.

“I’m glad, man. What about her? Does she feel the same way?” I know Adley is a loose cannon, she’s like Britt, but she’s fiercely loyal and is always available to anyone who needs her. I saw how she put her own life on hold for Chelsea when Dominic was born. Until they came back to Christmas and Adam stepped in, Adley was Chelsea’s person. I just hope Adley isn’t looking to ‘fix’ Billy and instead, avoid how their relationship is actually affecting them and everyone around them.

“I think so.”

“You think so?”

“I mean, we’re always together. People see us and know that. Chelsea likes to give me the death look anytime I come around and Adam has warned me a time or two to not fuck over his sister-in-law.”

I laugh. I can only imagine how that conversation went. “So, you’re actually a couple?”

“What’s with the questions, bro? I didn’t come here to be grilled. I came to do the grilling.”

“Oh, I know exactly why you came here. So out with it.” I circle my hands in a ‘move it along’ motion. “Go on. I’m just surprised you came alone.”

He grins. “I lost the rock paper scissors game amongst our siblings.”

I bark a laugh. “I wouldn’t listen to them, anyway.” I nod my chin at him. “Go ahead. Ask.”

He grows solemn and pauses a moment before asking. “What the fuck are you doing?”

I stretch my arms out across the back of the love seat I’m sitting on. “That’s a broad question. Right now, I’m sitting here getting lectured by my annoying younger twin.”

He narrows his eyes, takes another sip of his coffee then sits forward on his chair. “Let me narrow it down then, for the old man. What are you doing about Farrah? About Cash? And about retiring? Because it’s fucking time, Tom. We’re all over this ‘need to flee’ thing you’ve got going on.”

I bristle at his words. “You don’t und-“

“Yeah, yeah, none of us understand. Then make us fucking understand! At least letmein. Christ, Tom! We used to know exactly what each other was thinking with one look. But honestly? Sometimes I look at you and I don’t have a clue anymore. You retreat, and it’s like you purposely set up a wall that won’t let me through.” He sits back. “It kills me.”

I cringe at his words. Of all people, I never wanted to push Billy out. He needs me more than anyone. But I’m also not ready to admit my failures have caused heartbreak for more than just our immediate family.

I take a deep breath and let it out. “Bill, I don’t know how to explain it except that I needed something bigger than what’s here in Christmas. At age eighteen, I needed out, and I needed something new. My mind and body craved a deeper pull than just banging nails. And I found that in the military. Then,” I swallow down the lump of emotion that’s been rearing its ugly head more and more, “there was…” I clear my throat. “Something happened and I needed to be there. I need to go back and make sure my team is good each time.”

“Tom, tell me.” He pleads softly.

Scrubbing my hand over my face, I want to. I want to spill it all, the need for forgiveness and understanding becoming stronger every day. But honestly? I think Farrah needs to be the first to know. She’s covered for me on more than one occasion, more than ten occasions, where the weight of my failure has rendered me immovable. Without knowing a single piece of what happened, she was my power when I couldn’t be.

“I can’t. Not right now.” I hurriedly say. “I will, I promise. I never want to keep you in the dark, but there’s some dark you just don’t need to know.”

“But if you’ve seen it, let me bear it with you.”

I stare at my twin. Billy likes to let people think he’s a playboy, that life is nothing but a good time only. Nothing matters to him and he just wings it through every day with his good looks and charm. But he’s so much more than that. He’s got depth and sincere love and a great need to help others inside him. My mom and I are the only ones in the family who have witnessed the breakdown and the slow return to his true self. And he’s right, he’s given me that. I need to give him something of me, too.

“You’re asking me to give it up, right? You want me to get out?”

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