Page 46 of Melting the Ice Queen

CHAPTER13

Carina

One month later…

Iknow, and I can even understand that you're trying to protect your own heart right now but to do so, you're breaking mine in the process. I thought I could stand it, but it's just too painful…

I burrowmy face in my pillow and close my eyes against the tears as, once more, Derek's words run through my head.

I never meant to hurt him. I never really thought I could, but I did.

It was just like he said. I had to protect my heart, and in doing so, I broke his. I had to. That's what I told myself. That's what I believed was the best thing to do for both myself and him.

If Jonathan' betrayal —Jonathan that I didn't even really love— was so painful, what would it have felt like to lose myself to Derek, whom I love so much?

But it’s a moot point now.

It doesn't matter how painful and scary it would have been to stay if I thought that taking the coward way out could spare my feelings, I was wrong. The pain I felt at Jonathan' actions nine years ago is nothing to the torture of being away from Derek.

Hell, I had no idea what love was before I met Derek, but that morning when he told me that he loved me, when he asked for all or nothing, I knew. I knew it in my heart that I loved him. I finally realized what it meant to be in love, and it scared me so much I couldn't face it.

I love him so much I could not bear to be close to him. I love him so much that I had to put an ocean between us to keep me from running back to him.

I had to leave the country again. There was nothing else to do.

I felt a little time away was the only thing that could help me put things into perspective.

I figured if I did not see him, I could keep on denying my feelings or even learn to be indifferent to him.

What bullshit.

I miss him so much I can hardly draw breath, I ran away to keep my heart safe, but without Derek, there's nothing left of it to protect.

I've been in Manchester at Nadine's for the last month, and whatever I thought I could accomplish by running away, I now know that I utterly failed.

I drag myself out of bed and into the kitchen, following the smell of freshly brewed coffee and pancakes.

I could not bring myself to eat or even drink right now, but I need the small comfort of a hot cup of coffee in my hands.

Nadine smiles at me, turns around in a flurry of red locks, and then spins back with a cup in her hand for me. "Good morning, sleepyhead."

I give her a weak little smile. "Morning…"

She takes a look at me and sighs. “Being crying again?”

At the mention of crying, my eyes fill once more, and I nod; my hands listlessly framing the cup.

"Oh, sweetie… I've asked you a million times, and I shall ask you again. Why in the bloody hell are you doing this to yourself?"

I look down into the swirling black liquid in my cup, making it spin a little faster with a teaspoon. “Because I’m a rotten human being. I took a beautiful thing and destroyed it.”

She comes around the island, cup of tea in hand, and sits on the stool alongside mine. "What nonsense! You are not rotten, Carina. You're wonderful. You were just scared and acted out of panic."

“And I broke his heart. I basically let him think I don’t love him. I let him go. I reduced our relationship to nothing but a cold business transaction, and worst of all, it had nothing to do with Derek. Derek, who is sweet and caring, and, yes, maybe a little possessive, but nothing like that abusive jerk! And yet I stood there, letting him pour his heart out and still sent him away, and I did it all because of Jonathan.”

Nadine smirks. “Well, yes… we have already established it wasn’t your finest moment, sweetie.”

I push the coffee away and drop my head on the tabletop of the island, sighing. “How he must have felt… I’m sure he hates me now.”

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