Page 21 of Pieces of Heaven

Tomcat’s blue eyes study me before he pops another peanut in his mouth. “The cupcake chick is good-looking, Hobo. If I didn’t know you had a crush on her, I’d ask her out myself.”

“Well, don’t let me stop you.”

Tomcat smiles wider as I glare at him. “I’ve known you since you were a dirty, little hippie handing out ‘magic twigs’ to people on the street. And I know you’d mind if I asked out the cupcake lady.”

The microwave beeps, interrupting our staring contest. I want to tell Tomcat to go ahead and fuck Xenia. She could use a little fun.

I’ve convinced myself that I don’t want her in a real way. In my head, she’s like that marble. Rather than play with the small blue ball, I held it in my hand and looked at it. That’s all I’m going to be able to do with Xenia. Just watch and think about her, but engaging will only complicate something I want to keep simple.

Despite my certainty, I don’t tell Tomcat to fuck Xenia. He won’t do it, anyway. He’s gotten into therapy and being a better person.

Tomcat gives me a sly grin. “Man, you should have seen the way her face lit up when I explained how you’d mentioned the place. She wasn’t giving me any hot and horny vibes. Then, I mentioned you, and wham, she was wearing a goofy grin like I slipped a note to her in school.”

Sighing, I set aside my soup bowl. “I get how you think I should just go do what you’d do when you like a chick. I could ask her out, bang her for a while, get bored, and move on. But that’s not me. I don’t want a girlfriend, and I’m not interested in hurting Xenia.”

Tomcat stands up and shakes his head. “Don’t do regrets, man. It’s not fun to look back and wish you did shit different. Just give this chick a chance. If it doesn’t work, walk away.”

Tomcat finally leaves me to eat in peace. Despite how much his words irritated me, they make sense. I’m curious about Xenia, and I think she wants to know more about me.

However, Tomcat has no heart when it comes to women or relationships. I can’t imagine him getting worked up if a woman rejected him. He’d just fuck someone else.

That’s not an option for me with Xenia. She already holds power over me. If I get closer, I might find myself stuck deep in this new feeling. Then, when she realizes I’m not the man she wants, I’ll hurt like Tomcat never would.No, I’m smart to keep my space.

That doesn’t mean I shouldn’t drop by the shop and check on Xenia. It’s been nearly a week since we shared a space.

On Saturday, I walk through the door of XYZ Coffee to find Xenia lost in thought. She takes a moment to register my presence. I can’t deny her face warms once she realizes I’m standing in her shop.

“You came back,” she says just like she did last time.

“I’m taking a walk and figured I’d get supplies,” I reply rather than acknowledge her comment. “Can I get a ham sandwich, some baked stuff, and enough coffee to fill up my thermos?”

Xenia nods, seeming flustered now. I see worry in her gaze as she fills my thermos. When our gazes meet, she looks so damn sad.

Unable to stop myself, I ask, “What went wrong in your life to leave you looking so miserable?”

Xenia frowns at my question, feeling attacked, no doubt. She looks around and shrugs. I’ve hurt her feelings. That’s the problem with a woman like her and a man like me. I don’t know how to get soft and patient like she needs.

As she steps into the back kitchen to make the sandwich, I consider settling in one of the seats. I used to imagine showing up and spending time here with her. We could talk like friends and get to know each other in a non-stressful way. Except every time we share a space, I feel an undercurrent of need.

Xenia returns with the sandwich wrapped for me. Her gaze holds mine, and I feel her willing herself to speak.

“I’ve spent most of my life with dreams that never came true,” she blurts out.

When I nod and gesture for her to continue, she explains, “I let my hopes fall away with the promise that my biggest dream would still become real. When my friends went off to college, I stayed home and fed my dream. When I saw people my age falling in love and starting families, I promised myself that my dream would be better than anything I was missing out on. Years passed, yet I believed I’d have my own restaurant and be successful like my parents and siblings. I’d step out of their shadows and earn the respect that I never found in the kitchen.”

Xenia’s breath hitches as she lowers her chin and continues, “I kept changing my dream, making it smaller. I eventually accepted how I’d never run my own restaurant. The new dream was a coffee shop.”

She looks around and then shrugs. “But even the most scaled-down version of my dream is a flop. Now, I’m afraid because I don’t know what I have left after this dream dies. I’ve wasted my youth, and I can’t figure out what comes next.”

Xenia’s shame washes over her face. “Lately, all I want is a time machine, so I can go back to my younger self and demand she say no to her parents. I’d promise the sacrifices won’t be worth it. She should go to college, travel, make friends, and selfishly enjoy her youth. I’d keep her from giving up everything for a dream that will only shrink before dying all together. My sacrifices weren’t worth it.”

Watching tears fill her eyes, I mumble, “Well, I don’t have a time machine.”

Xenia wipes her wet cheeks as her shoulders sag. She seems so defeated. I get a bad feeling about her being alone.Is this the kind of clouded thinking she nurses when she sits in this empty coffee shop every day?

“It isn’t all bad,” I say and set my pack on a stool. “Maybe this dream of yours didn’t turn out like you hoped, but you’re not dead yet. You’ve got time to live selfishly.”

“I’m afraid to waste the money I have left.”

---