Page 31 of Plays Well With Others

Rachel: Come do mine then please. Or should I beg for it?

Carter: I’m not opposed to that.

Rachel: Please, Carter. Oh god, please come sort my pantry.

Carter: Good girl. You’ve earned a very big reward.

Rachel: Someone else to do chores! Yay!

Carter: Is that what you’d like to do on our first date instead of Puzzle Nerds? You want me to straighten up?

Rachel: Considering the state of my cupboards, that sounds like an amazing first date! I’m also fond of massages and napping. So a nap date works for me too.

Carter: How about you nap while I put away your plates? Bet Date Night would let me out of the rest of my contract if I did that.

Rachel: I’m up for sabotage! We could even try a date at the dentist. Want to get cleanings together?

Carter: Then we’ll have the tires rotated on my car.

Rachel: And we can go to some government office to renew our passports.

Carter: Well, that’s actually dirty. Don’t you know?

Rachel: Because no one fucks as well as the government?

Carter: I mean, I do. But that’s beside the point.

Rachel: I don’t know, Carter. That sort of seemed like it was the point.

Carter: Now that you mention it, a sex date at the passport office would definitely get mega views on Date Night. We’ll skip that.

Rachel: Fair enough. But in all seriousness, I thought we were doing Puzzle Nerds?

Carter: Do I look like an underachiever? Of course I don’t. Which is why I’m up late after my game, diligently researching first date ideas since I refuse to simply piggyback off our existing plan and retroactively assign the word ‘date’ to it. We’ll do a two-parter—Puzzle Nerds and something else. But do you have any idea how many options there are for quote great first dates end-quote?

Rachel: This may shock you, but I do not. Been off the dating market for a millennia.

Carter: Let me enlighten you then. The Internet says dinner and a movie will get you blackballed. A bar is a Very Bad Idea. And coffee is so yesterday. It’s like the first date is now some reality-show competition for cleverness. Take her kayaking! Bring her to a paint-and-wine studio! Shop for antiques! Pretend to be tourists!

Rachel: Please promise you will never, ever take a date on a pretend-to-be-tourists date. Live-action role-play sounds like way too much work.

Carter: The only role-playing I want to do is in the bedroom.

Carter: And it’s been brought to my attention the above text may have been inappropriate.

Rachel: And the ‘fuck like the government’ one was not?

Carter: Hey, that’s on your conscience, Sunshine.

Rachel: I’ll try to repent for it. Or…idea! If you’re really into sabotage, maybe the first date gimmick should be to see how many inappropriate things you can say before the end of it. We’re already on a roll.

Carter: I’m getting the sense that inappropriateness, napping, and massages are actually the way to your heart.

Rachel: Pedicures too. Which might explain why I have no clue how to date.

Carter: Then it’s a good thing I have access to the Internet since the number-one dating rule is to do something she enjoys…while you get to know her.

Rachel: I’m so excited you got your pedicurist license!!!!!

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