Page 81 of Cherish

I nod, even though I’m not sure I can. Still, it’s better than dying, so I take another, deeper breath before letting it out slowly.

“That’s it. You’re doing great. Let’s take one more and hold it this time, okay?”

I do as he says, taking an even longer, slower breath, and this time I hold it to the count of five before letting it out slowly. Then I take another breath and hold it to the count of seven.

As I do, I can feel my racing heartbeat slowing down just a little bit. Can feel my stomach unclenching and my muscles relaxing. Not a lot, but enough that it makes the next breath—and the one after that and the one after that—progressively easier to take.

This time, when I count back from twenty, I can actually feel it working. I can feel my anxiety receding and the fears that have been circling in my head since I woke up this morning slowly shrinking back down until they feel manageable once more.

Still, I count one more time—this time up to twenty—before taking another long, careful breath and letting it out.

Then I move so I can rest my forehead against Hudson’s chest. “Thank you,” I whisper.

He shakes his head. “Nothing to thank me for. You did that all by yourself.”

It’s not true—I was really spiraling this time, and he helped ground me when I couldn’t find a way to ground myself. He was there for me, like he’s always there for me, and as he wraps his arms around my waist and presses soft kisses to the top of my head, I tell myself that it’s enough.

At least until he says, “I know you’re still worried about what you saw at the Vampire Court, but I promise you, Grace, there’s nothing for you to worry about.”

45

You’re Just a Big

Parmallow Inside

“It’s not that I’m worried,” I tell him after several seconds. “It’s that I don’t understand why you aren’t talking to me about all of this.”

Hudson doesn’t answer right away. Instead, he stares over my head, straight into the mirror that doesn’t show his reflection or his expression. The silence goes on so long that I can’t help wondering if he’s trying to find the best words to answer my question—or if he’s trying to figure out the best lie.

In the end, he does neither. He just smiles down at me and says, “‘Time does not change us. It just unfolds us.’”

For a moment, I’m certain that I’ve heard him wrong. And then I realize—“Quotations? You’re pulling out time quotations on me?”

“Do you know where it’s from?” he asks, and I can tell from the look in his eyes that he’s suddenly very serious about this, whatever this is.

“I don’t have a clue,” I answer.

He steps away, shoves a hand through his hair. “The quote comes from the sketchbooks of a Swiss playwright. Max Frisch.”

“Okay,” I tell him as I play the words over in my head, trying to understand what he means. I’m usually an expert in obscure Hudson-isms, but this is a lot to unwind.

“I want to unfold for you, Grace. I want to tell you everything in my head. But I just can’t yet, no matter how much I want to.”

I don’t say anything for several seconds as I try to unpack what he’s getting at. I know it’s something important, but I’m just not there yet. Finally, for lack of a better guess, I ask, “Is this about the Vampire Court?”

“Fuck the Vampire Court,” he answers curtly. “What they want or expect doesn’t mean a bloody goddamn thing to me. And it shouldn’t matter to you, either.”

“Your happiness matters to me—”

“I’ve never been happier in my life than I am right now,” he tells me. “Being your mate. Being gargoyle king. Building a life with each other and with our people. Do you believe that?”

“I do,” I say, after pausing to make sure it’s the best, most honest answer I can give him. “I just don’t want you to regret anything.”

“What’s there for me to regret?”

“Were we wrong for not thinking about giving up the gargoyle throne in place of the vampire throne?” I ask after several more seconds pass. “And if we were, should we be considering it now? Is that what you don’t want to talk to me about?”

If so, I can believe it. How could I not, when I know Hudson would sacrifice anything, everything, for my happiness? Is this one more thing he thinks he has to give up for me to be happy? One more choice he doesn’t want to ask me to make because he thinks he’ll lose?

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