Page 57 of Waiting on You

“You are most welcome.” He turned to Paulie, who appeared stricken. Colleen pointed to her own face and smiled, then made the sign fortalkby opening and closing her hand. Paulie’s face flushed purple, but bless her, she looked up (way up) at Droog. “How’s it hanging?” she asked.

Oh, dear. Well. Brave attempt.

Colleen steered Mom, who was cowering like an abused dog, to the classroom in the back. Easels had been set up in a circle.

“Is it warm in here?” Mom asked, starting to flutter her shirt.

“You’re having a hot flash,” Colleen said.

“I don’t think so,” Mom said. “It’s just hot. Wow! They must’ve turned up the heat. Make them turn it down, Colleen.”

“Mom, it’s menopause.”

“You always think my problems are menopause.”

“Hail Mary, full of grace, get my mom on some estrogen, please.”

“So?”

“So God better reward me for this.”

The instructor came in—Debbie Meering (strawberry margarita), who had paintedStill Life with Grapes#15out in the gallery.

“Welcome!” she cried, flinging out her arms and hitting Droog on the back of the head. “Let’s start by taking a few cleansing breaths...in...and out!...and in!”

“In case we’ve forgotten how to breathe,” Colleen said to her mom, who rolled her eyes.

“I’m so glad you’ve decided to embrace Art with a capitalA!” Debbie said. “It’s changed my life! No, it has. I’ve found a side of myself heretofore hidden—”

“That’s a word you just don’t hear enough,” Mom said, and Colleen felt a rush of affection for old Momster. She had her moments.

“Everyone should feel free to tap into their inner gods and goddesses,” Debbie continued, “and set free their muses and let their chakras flow! There is no right or wrong here, just Art! With a capitalA!And of course, our fellow single people! Let loose your true selves, people!”

The students glanced nervously around; Colleen was quite interested to see what the true selves would be like. The Hulk? Wolverine (please, God)? Voldemort? Nope, everyone seemed like their regular selves. Ah, well.

Except for Orange Tooth, Droog the Vampire and a man so old Colleen wasn’t quite sure he was alive, everyone here was female. The usual, Colleen knew.

And that was the thing. All the women here were attractive enough. Clean, at any rate. They’d made an effort. Granted, the Thneed choked off much of Paulie’s appeal, but still. She was trying. The point was, normal, honest, decent women with good hygiene were always willing to go to these types of events, whereas the normal, honest, decent men seemed to be anywhere but.

“So let’s get started by going around the circle and telling everyone why you’re here and what you’re looking for in a relationship. Bert? Get us started, won’t you?”

Bert, the elderly man, was fast asleep in his wheelchair, drooling. Colleen grabbed a paper towel for when he woke up.

“Okay, then, Colleen, why don’t you get us going?”

“Sure,” Colleen said. “I’m Colleen, perpetual flirt, here with my mom to find me a stepfather.”

“And areyoulooking for love?” Debbie asked.

“Can’t say that I am, Deb.”

“Her first boyfriend just came back to town,” Mom offered. “He broke up with her years ago, and she’s still not over him. She wants to find someone. A beard. Is that the right term?”

See? Just when she was feeling warm thoughts about Mom, this happened. “Wow, thanks, Mom. I’d deny that, but I’m reeling from the fact that you’re so willing to blurt out my personal—”

“And you, Jeanette?” Debbie asked.

“Colleen made me come.” Mom looked around at the others in the circle. “My husband left me for a whore.”

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