Page 43 of Absolution

Let him believe what he wanted. It served no purpose to explain our relationship. It was too damn complicated anyway.

“You said it’s been six years since you used. What made you start again?”

I sighed. “So many things. Gideon mostly. But also, I haven’t been playing at Eden. Submission has been a way to purge my feelings. Since I haven’t been doing that, all the negative energy and emotions have been building and festering inside, until I couldn’t take it anymore. I didn’t tell you this, but the night Gideon was here, he handed me an entire bag of pills. He knew about my habit.”

“Fuck. Are these them?”

“No,” I shook my head. “I flushed them the night I told you the truth about what Gideon had done to me. I didn’t want him to win. I thought I was strong enough, but apparently I’m not. After our kiss and his call, I’d felt so raw and vulnerable, that everything overwhelmed me. I felt so defeated, and I was drowning in emotions, both good and bad. I needed a quick fix, and pills were the fastest and most convenient way to get it.”

“How did you get them?”

“The night we kissed, I snuck out of the house while you were sleeping.”

Leo was quiet for too long, and I wondered what he was thinking.

“So, how bad is it to get clean? I know a few Vets who said it was the hardest thing they’d ever done.”

“The withdrawals are a bitch. Nausea, vomiting, headaches, tremors. Those aren’t even the worst of it. Nightmares, suicidal thoughts, mood swings from one end to the other, not being able to breathe. Fun times for sure. I spent three weeks in the hospital detoxing when I finally got clean. I honestly thought I was going to die.”

“Well, at least now I know what I should be prepared for.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, if I’m going to help you through your withdrawals, I need to know what we are up against.”

My heart stuttered over his use of the word ‘we’.

“No.”

There was no way I was going to be hugging the toilet and puking my guts out while Leo watched. Not a chance.

“Gina, you can’t keep doing this to yourself.”

He scooted forward and moved right between my legs. I inhaled sharply from the heat of him, and his familiar scent tantalized me even further. He was so close I could see a few tiny gray hairs in his beard.

When he palmed my cheek, my entire body froze.

“Let me do this, please. I need to do this.”

He held up the clear plastic baggie, and my eyes immediately shifted to it. “You know this shit isn’t the answer.”

I had to drag my vision away from those small little pills and their temptation to meet Leo’s gaze. The internal struggle was overwhelming. Right or wrong, this was the man I’d blamed all my problems on for years. I thought about what Madeline and Sonia were always telling me. He was all tangled up in my sobriety. We had so many unresolved issues between us. Maybe this was the moment we could both find absolution.

I needed to make a choice. I briefly closed my eyes and took a cleansing breath. When I opened them again, I’d made my decision.

Chapter 26

Leo

While I waitedfor Gina to make her choice, I prayed like never before. I was so afraid she was going to make the wrong decision. When she opened her eyes, relief flooded through me, because I could see the answer on her face.

“You know this isn’t going to be pretty, and I’m going to need your help.”

“I’m here for you. Whatever you need. We’re going to do this together, and I promise I won’t let you fail. You’re strong, Gina. You can beat this.”

“I can do this.” She took a deep breath. “How did you know?”

It took me a moment to figure out what she was asking. I returned to the chair I’d recently vacated.

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