Page 42 of Absolution

“What are you doing going through my things? You don’t have any right,” I snapped.

“Why?”

There was so much heartache in that single word, it made the shame inside me that much stronger. I just shook my head.

“You wouldn’t understand.”

“Then make me understand, Gina,” Leo pleaded. “Tell me why you’re destroying yourself with that shit.”

I collapsed onto the bed. I was tired of fighting. There was a hollowness inside me. One I was afraid would never be filled. It was the same feeling I’d had day in and day out for years. I didn’t want to feel this way, and the pills made it go away. Even if only temporarily.

“My life was destroyed a long time ago. This makes the pain and destruction easier to deal with.”

Leo visibly flinched at my words. The vindictive side of me was glad about it. They were meant to hurt him. I’d been hurting for so long, maybe it was time he felt even an ounce of what I did.

“Jesus.”

Suddenly he was on his knees in front of me. The warmth of his hands engulfed mine. Leo extracted the bag from between my fingers and held it up for both of us to see. My gaze honed in on it longingly. “But this isn’t the answer. Deep down you know it.”

My eyes shifted to meet his. “It’s not that easy.”

“You’ve obviously been clean for a while.”

My sponsor, Sonia, was usually the person I talked to about this, but for some reason this conversation seemed natural with Leo.

“Six years.”

I could tell he was calculating time in his head. “When did you first start using?”

There was a hesitation before I answered. I didn’t want to hurt Leo anymore. It didn’t gain me anything. Not even a sense of satisfaction. He sensed my reticence and squeezed my hand in reassurance.

“A few months after… I wasn’t pregnant anymore. I got them from a doctor. When they stopped working and I needed more, I had to go elsewhere. The first bag I got was a birthday gift from Lorenzo.”

His expression hardened. “Mother fucker.”

“I went to him, not the other way around. Before long, I was taking more and more. It was becoming a problem, but every time I tried to stop, the panic attacks grew stronger, which led me to taking more pills. It turned into this vicious cycle I couldn’t stop.”

“He never should have given that shit to you in the first place.”

I couldn’t help but laugh. “Lorenzo is a businessman, regardless of what product he sells. He certainly isn’t going to turn down money offered to him.”

“Lorenzo is also in New York. You’ve been here for eight years, right?”

“Yes. Once Gideon’s trial was over, I didn’t even stick around for sentencing. I grabbed my bag and made my way down here. Shortly after I arrived, I met Jacob.”

“You called me by his name, you know?” I heard the hurt behind his words.

“When?”

He shrugged. “One day last week. So, who exactly is he to you?”

I could have been cruel, but I didn’t want to be. “My dealer.”

“I see.”

“He’s also my friend.”

Leo huffed out a breath of disbelief. “Some friend you have there. Selling you that fucking poison.”

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