Page 63 of The Hurt of Letting Go

At a loss for words, I moan as he pulls out and pushes back into me. Never having had sex without a condom, the feeling is new and more intense than ever before. And by the way Conrad is struggling above me, I think he is feeling it too.

“Oh god.” My body sets off, and I grip his shoulders as I ride it out. Shaking, I barely register Conrad moving above me.

Feeling as if I’m on cloud nine, I smile as Conrad wraps his arm around my waist and speeds up as he seeks out his own release. Low grunts come out of him with every thrust, and I hold on to his back as my body begins sliding up the bed with his movements. With one last deep thrust, Conrad goes still, and I wrap my arms and legs tight around him, enjoying the feeling of him being this close for just a moment longer.

Conrad collapses on top of me, out of breath and slick with sweat. Rubbing my hands through his hair, I take in this moment. Never have I felt more connected to a person before, and experiencing this with the man I love and who loves me back makes it that much more intense.

“I love you,” he whispers in my ear. Pulling back, he looks me in the eyes. “Never felt anything like that before. Thank you, baby.” He kisses my cheek and slips out of me. The loss of him makes my body cold, and I already miss him.

Sitting up, I catch Conrad pulling on a pair of boxer briefs and start to worry. He has never treated me as a “hit it and quit it” hookup, but why would he be getting dressed?

“Be right back,” he kisses my forehead and slips out of the room.

Feeling awkward, I pull the sheets up and cover my body. In under a minute, he comes back into the room with an ice water. My heart swells as he comes to the side of the bed I’m on and hands it to me.

Without another word, he takes his clothes off and climbs back into bed with me, providing me once again with his body heat. With my back to his chest and my head tucked under his chin, I fall into the most peaceful sleep I have ever had and dream of a future with this man I love who makes me feel cherished and safe.

33

CONRAD

While soccer season isn’t here yet, Coach Walters doesn’t let us slack off during spring. This Saturday, we’re having a scrimmage match against one of the colleges close by. Their field isn’t nearly as nice as ours since we use our school’s football stadium, but we make do.

The stands are littered with family and friends. Those are the only ones allowed at off-season games. Emree, Blaire, Jules, and her roommate Piper are out there somewhere. Knowing Em and Jules, they’re loading up on snacks from the concession. Every game, those two can be found with their laps filled with nachos, hot dogs, and popcorn. I swear, sometimes I don’t even think they’re here for us and enjoy the food more.

As we’re stretching and a few players are kicking some soccer balls around on the field, I search the crowd for my beautiful blonde girlfriend in the bright-pink jersey with my name and number on the back. While our school colors are blue and gold, Emree has decided to do a twist on our jerseys and make them more her style, which means adding pink. It makes finding her in a sea of blue and gold easier, so I’m not one to complain.

Spotting her in the second row of bleachers, I smile as she takes a large bite of a burger, getting ketchup and mustard all over her face. She quickly wipes at her cheeks and waves at me when she notices I’m looking at her. I can’t stop the smile that stretches across my face and wave back.

“Dude, you lose your balls or something? You’re smiling like a little girl.” Mateo laughs from where he and Maddox are kicking the ball back and forth to my right.

Maddox points a finger at Mateo after he sobers up. “We lost another one. You better watch yourself, McKay. Don’t need another one of us pussy-whipped.”

His face drops in surprise. “Me? Why don’t you talk to Levi over there, who’s making goo-goo eyes at Piper?”

Levi, who is warming up by catching balls Camden kicks at him, stops after jumping up in the air and catching a kick about two feet above him. “Fuck you, man. I’m focused on the game.”

Maddox smirks. “But you do like our little freshman.”

Our goalie goes back to warming up and ignores Maddox but grumbles under his breath in the process. As I stretch out my hamstrings, the referee blows the whistle to begin the game.

One of the best things about the roommates I have is that we are all starters and some of the most talented on the team. Camden and Maddox are both forwards and work perfectly together. I have never seen two teammates in such sync as they make their way through the other team’s defenders and get the ball right into the net. Mateo and I are on the defense, and with his quick feet and my ruthlessness, we do well at stopping anyone from getting past us to our goalie. Levi is a monster in the goal. Being as tall and large as he is, the guy takes up most of the goal without even moving.

We get into our positions after the coin flip, and as we wait for the official whistle to start, I tune out everything around us. Something you have to learn from playing sports is that all of your focus goes to what is happening on the field. None of the noise of screaming fans and ringing cowbells matters. My only focus is what goes on while I am on this turf.

Maddox captures the ball and begins dribbling it toward the other team’s goal, dodging their defenders on the way. When Maddox starts to get swarmed, he does a fake pass to our teammate, Rodrick, and when the other team is distracted, he makes a real pass to Camden, who kicks it straight into the goal.

We fall into a rhythm and dominate on the field. The other team gets one goal past Levi, but he deflects several more. Before halftime, we are leading three to one, and I’m feeling confident with how well this team is working together, seeing as how we aren’t losing anyone on the field this school year to graduating.

The halftime whistle blows, and we all jog off the field, grabbing cups filled with water. Coach gathers us in a circle and starts his midgame pep talk. It’s not as intense since we are winning and this is not a game that matters, but he gets amped up for the second half when some players look exhausted.

Coach Walters makes the decision to pull Maddox and Mateo and throw in some sophomores so they can get some game time. Mateo, our designated hothead, looks pissed, but Maddox pulls him to the bench before Coach can see.

We head back on the field and continue our ruthless defeat. The opposing team isn’t able to get another ball past Levi, while Camden, along with the sophomore, gets an additional goal and we take the win four to one. As the final whistle blows, we all run together and cheer, celebrating how well we work together and how this one day is setting into motion how the next season is going to go.

After our celebration, both teams line up to tell each other “Good game” and slap hands. Coach Walters maintains his happiness for our win as he talks to the other team’s coach. He always told us that we can celebrate every win to an extent but to remain humble because we can be knocked down several pegs at any moment.

As we head back into the locker room, my eyes are drawn to Emree. She is standing on her chair and holding a sign that saysConrad is the #1 player. If she wasn’t so adorable, it would be embarrassing, but this is all part of her bubbly personality.

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