Page 2 of Very Bad Things

“I already booked my trip to Paris,” I blurt out, knowing I’m only going to add fuel to Xana’s panicked fire.

“You what?”

“It’s just a fact-finding mission. I’m going for a week to explore and see the city.” It’s more than that; it’s the closing of a door. The end of a story that I never even had the chance to start.

“Alone? When?”

“Yes, alone. I leave next Monday.”

“You’re not going to sign some lease when you’re there, are you?” She eyes me suspiciously.

“No, it’s just a trip. You know I’ve always wanted to go there and that was where Carson and I planned to honeymoon. I figured it would be the final chapter in that part of my journey, a farewell of sorts.”

“Yeah.” She smiles. “I like that idea. I do worry about you traveling alone, but I think it will be the closure you need. Plus, you’ve talked about Paris for as long as I can remember.”

Paris has been my dream since I was in fifth grade and watchedFunny Facefor the first time. I begged my parents to take me, but when you grow up below the poverty line, that’s not really a realistic dream. My mom tried letting me down easy; she didn’t want to destroy my dream of going there someday even though there was no way we’d ever afford it. Instead, she bought us both berets, croissants, and cheese and we would pretend we were sitting at a Parisian café on our back porch. My gaze drifts away as I smile, remembering the one time she indulged us and bought real macarons from a local bakery.

“I bet your mom would be so happy right now.” I don’t have to tell Xana where my mind went just now. She already knows. Not only did I lose my fiancé Carson in a tragic car accident two years ago, but I was still mourning the loss of my mom to cancer just five short months before he passed.

“She would be… Carson too.”

“Did you tell your dad?” I can see the apprehension on her face as she asks.

I nod, finishing my tea. “Yeah. He was happy for me and I promised I’d send him a postcard from Paris.”

“How are things going with you two? Have you seen him lately?”

“Not since he moved, no, but we’ve been working on our relationship over the phone.”

When my mom was diagnosed with cancer, I didn’t think he was going to be able to go on, especially not after the doctor told us there was no hope. But then, three months after she passed, he told me he was in love with one of the hospice nurses and he wanted to marry her and move to Florida to start a new life. I stopped talking to him and only after Carson died three months later did we talk again. I couldn’t go through that loss and the loss of my mother alone, but I in no way had forgiven my dad for moving on so fast. I pushed him away again, then would reach out and attempt to understand, only to push him away again.

After several deep conversations and my dad assuring me thoroughly that nothing was going on while my mom was still alive, I have come to realize that I don’t understand it. I think because that’s not how I dealt with losing Carson, but at the same time, I wasn’t married to him for thirty years like my mom and dad were. I decided that he’s still my father and I do love him and want to work on mending our relationship.

“I think it’s finally time. I’m ready to move on and close this chapter of grief in my life.”

“Are you sure?” She gives me a hopeful look.

“Yeah.” I nod my head, reassuring myself as my fingers wrap delicately around my cup of tea. “It’s been almost two years now. I’ve allowed myself time to fully grieve and I’ve worked through a lot of my emotions and feelings in therapy. You and my therapist are both right; it’s time I get back to living my life.”

I’ll admit that after so much loss, I felt like I was slowly slipping away too. I couldn’t comprehend it for the longest time. When they talk about the stages of grief and one of them being denial, they aren’t wrong. I tried to just act normal for as long as I could, and I think even Xana was worried that when it all came crashing down on me it was going to be catastrophic… and it was. I always managed to keep my job, but I became a recluse, losing friends and motivation. I lost weight, became depressed, and was practically a shell of the person I used to be.

“That makes me really happy for you.” She reaches across the table and clasps my hand with hers after I place my cup down. “I never meant to rush you before you were ready, but I did worry I was losing you along your grief journey. You’re only twenty-seven and I do think you deserve to be happy and even find love again—when you’re ready.” Tears threaten to fall from the brim of her dark eyes.

“I know. I never felt that you did, but truthfully, love is kind of the last thing from my mind at the moment.”

She glances at her watch. “I have to meet Ryann in fifteen to look at a new apartment. Please, please, please, if I don’t see you before you leave, text me every day, send me photos from Paris, and whatever you do, don’t make any rash, off the cuff decisions. Seriously consider calling your administrator and seeing if you can get your job back. Okay?”

“I’ll consider it,” I say, reassuring her. “But for the record, it wasn’t a rash decision to quit. I thought I had that other job and I rebounded with the Paris idea. It was a calculated decision. I’m just apparently really bad at calculations.”

We say our goodbyes and I put my earbuds in,Édith Piaf’s voice flooding my ears with “La Vie en Rose.” “Paris is always a good idea,” I quote Audrey’s famous line fromFunny Faceto myself as I imagine dancing down cobblestone streets with Fred Astaire.

1

DAPHNE

Ilet out a sigh, my shoulders falling as I stare up at the Eiffel Tower.

I can’t believe I’m actually standing here right now. I’d give anything to experience this with my mom or Carson. I know that Carson wanted to go to some place tropical for our honeymoon and honestly, I loved that idea too. But after my mom passed, he surprised me one night by showing me the two tickets he had bought for us to Paris for our honeymoon. He didn’t say a word and I burst into tears, throwing my arms around his neck and sobbing as he held me.

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