Page 70 of Interning For A Billionaire

When I thought of the people in my life, there was always some irritation and annoyance. I thought of things they had said to me, comments they had made or jokes that really weren’t that funny.

I parked my car and hiked into the park, heading for the outcrops of rocks where there were no people. I wanted silence. No voices, no people calling out stupid remarks to each other.

I wanted silence.

The sounds of the wind in the trees, the rustle of leaves. This was all I wanted to hear for the next day or two.

I told Maya I needed to clear my head and that my phone would be turned off. I knew she got it. I didn’t care if anyone else did.

I hiked deeper into the woods, checking my map and at one point, veered off the trail into a grove of trees. I found some great rocks for climbing and got my gear on. Then I stood for a moment in front of the huge stone. I stood close to the rock and looked up. I could see only the tops of the trees, bits of sky. I leaned against the surface, felt the cool sandstone against my cheek. How many thousands of years had this rock been here? Had people climbing all over it and it was still here. Unmovable. Unshakable. That is what I wanted to be.

I closed my eyes. I let the thoughts slide out of my head, imagining them turning into liquid and flowing away. I needed to be able to focus. I wasn’t going to be using any ropes or equipment, just my hands and feet. I put chalk on my hands and felt the surface of the rock.

It was dry and grainy.

Rough.

I put my foot on the first ledge and tested it. Then I gripped at a crack in the stone, pulling myself up. I reached for the next hold, my foot careful, my fingers digging in. I slowly made my way up the first boulder. I was careful and very particular, focused on my movements. I thought only of moving up and finding purchase. My arms started aching, but it was because of the stress and adrenaline. I hadn’t done free climbing in a while and there was a certain level of risk involved. If I fell, I could hurt myself.

That meant, no mistakes.

I was hardly in a fit mental state to be doing this sort of thing. But that was the whole point of this trip. I wanted to strip my thinking down to bare essentials, to get rid of all the emotion was clouding my head.

I had never felt so many mixed emotions, been such a melting pot of fear and doubt and confusion. I loved Belle, I hated her. I didn’t trust her, I thought she was a liar. I needed her and couldn’t live without her.

Aaaarghhhh!!!!!!

My hand slipped and fortunately, most of my weight was on my other foot so it didn’t matter. Sweat poured down my face and I blinked to get it out of my eyes.

Focus. Focus. Focus.

I inched my way up the boulder, higher and higher.

Finally, I made it!

Yes! I punched the air in elation, suppressing the desire to scream out loud.

It felt good to win.

I liked it.

I bloody hated feeling like a loser. That was what relationships did, I thought. They made you lose control, lose sight of yourself, your goals. But then, you were vulnerable, you opened yourself up.

I sat down and breathed in and out. In and out.

Just the breath. For now.

I climbed down and looked for another boulder and then another. As the hours passed and my legs started aching, my thinking moved away from the emotional to my more physical needs. I wished I had brought the protein bars with the chocolate, instead of the peanut ones I had found in my car. I wondered where I had left my sunglasses because the trail in places traversed open mountainside and the glare was intense.

By the end of the day, I was too tired to think of anything. I needed to find the campsite and a place to sleep for the night. My thoughts were basic. Put up tent, eat, sleep. I had a thin sleeping mat and my sleeping bag. I fell asleep instantly, unaware of the people camping around me, some of whom had built fires, were drinking alcohol and singing horrible songs that I might have known.

I woke in the early morning, my back stiff and sore and my arms aching from the previous day. I was keen to get out there again. I packed up quickly and got out of there before my fellow campers woke up.

I went deeper into the park, looking for more challenging climbs. I felt more confidence in my abilities after the previous day, which in retrospect, was a mistake.

But I felt buoyed by the successful climbing I had done, and it felt good to conquer these small mountains. I could achieve things. I was a winner. No obstacle would stand in my way.

It was rather pathetic, when I think of it, but this was my thinking, essentially.

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