Page 70 of Chasing Secrets

“Yeah, I remember,” I responded as evenly as I could. No way in hell did I want him to realize how much the action had stung.

Theo unwrapped his arms and began using one hand to snap the hair tie on the opposite wrist. I hadn’t even realized he’d put it back on at some point. The knowledge that he was still trying to use the snapping of the band instead of the sharp edge of a razor blade to deal with what he was feeling gave me a sense of hope.

“I felt things when we kissed… good things. But after… after I pushed you away, all I could feel was this…” Theo hesitated briefly before he suddenly raised his eyes to meet mine. “All I felt was this terrible ache inside. Like… like I’d lost something. And I was still aroused but there were no shocks.”

I remained silent because I knew he was starting to put together what I’d already begun to suspect.

“I was afraid to come to your bed tonight because that ache came back after we left the sanctuary. I thought if I shared a bed with you… do you know what I mean?” he asked.

He looked so young and vulnerable that I just wanted to take him in my arms and hold him so nothing could ever hurt him again.

I nodded. “I understand,” I acknowledged.

Theo nodded. He kept snapping at his wrist. “I’ve been lying in bed and all I can think about is you… you and me… all these images keep popping into my head and I kept getting more and more turned on. I waited for the shocks to come because it should have been just like when I watched the slides, but I didn’t feel them. All I felt…feelis that ache. Does that make sense?”

This time I was the one who had to wrap my arms around my body to keep from reaching for him. “Yes,” I practically croaked. “I feel it too. The ache. The emptiness.”

Never in a million years would I have imagined having a conversation like this in the middle of the night in a cold bathroom with the most beautiful man I’d ever known sporting a huge boner just inches from me. But God, if it wasn’t one of the best conversations I’d ever had. It gave me hope that I could get everything I wanted. I didn’t give a shit about what kind of sex life, if any, Theo and I might have; I just wanted him. The fact that he was even trying to put the pieces together of what had been done to him and whether what he was feeling now was real or all in his mind meant that maybe he wanted that same life with me.

“The emptiness,” Theo repeated softly as he nodded in agreement. It took him a moment to remember that he was trying to explain something to me.

“It got me thinking that maybe it’s like the panic attacks. I had them a lot during and after The Tower. When I had the first one, I was sure I was going to die. I think I either passed out or just got so tired that I fell asleep because I don’t really remember anything besides waking up and being able to breathe without any trouble. I eventually was able to research what they were and how to prevent or deal with them.” Theo let out an awkward laugh as he glanced at his heavily scarred right arm. “I guess I didn’t quite get the lesson.”

He barreled on before I could say anything. His hard-on had waned a bit, which I was glad for because it meant he wasn’t right on the edge like he’d been when I’d first walked into the bathroom.

“Anyway, I started looking on my computer for stories about guys who went through the stuff I did. I found a few… they were mostly older men who’d been told they had a disease but could be cured. It was back in like the fifties and sixties but there were some more recent ones too. Pretty much all of them suffered long-term effects but some of them talked about still being able to have sex.” He stopped long enough to pull in a breath before saying, “I know I’m fucked up in the head, Lincoln. And I know I need to get help for that, whether we’re together or not.”

Theo dropped his head. Since he was significantly calmer now, I stepped up to him and tilted his chin up so he was forced to look me in the eyes. “Tell me what you need, sweetheart.”

“I, um, want to be with you, but…”

Since I wouldn’t let him look down, he closed his eyes instead. Color stained his cheeks as he said, “I don’t want you to touch me… there. I’m not ready for that. But I still want to be with you to see if…”

Theo shook his head and covered his face with his hands. “This is so stupid.”

I eased his hands away from his face. “Do you trust me, Theo?”

The seriousness of my question had all his embarrassment disappearing in an instant.

“Yes,” he said with a nod. “I love you, Lincoln. So much it hurts sometimes.”

I knew exactly what he meant. I brushed my mouth over his but was so overcome with emotion that all I could manage to croak out was, “Love you” before I kissed him deeply. I ended up backing him against the wall between the shower and the bathtub. Theo moaned and began kissing me back. I made sure to keep our lower bodies separated but I intensified the kisses until I could feel him trying to push his hips closer to mine.

“Lincoln,” he cried when I broke the kiss.

“I’ve got you, baby,” I said as I grabbed his hand and led him to my room. Once we reached the bed, I kissed Theo again, but I took the intensity level down a few notches because I could already sense him tensing up. When he was once again pliant in my hold, I broke the kiss and said, “You’re going to be in control of all of this, okay, sweetheart? You’re going to take what you need from me however you want.”

“No, Lincoln, I don’t want to use—”

I kissed him to keep him from finishing the thought. “Trust me, Theo. Anything you do to me I’m going to enjoy. And the second you want to stop or even slow down and talk through something, that’s exactly what will happen, okay?”

Theo nodded. He was clearly nervous.

“Do you want my shirt on or off?” I asked.

I nearly came on the spot when he licked his lips and scanned my upper body. “Off,” he said huskily.

I probably broke all kinds of laws of nature when it came to how quickly I dragged my shirt over my head and tossed it aside. Theo looked like a kid in a candy store as he studied my chest. I had a handful of tattoos on my body, but they weren’t overly large. Not surprisingly, his eyes found the small one of a rabbit just above my left pectoral muscle. He traced his fingers over the pattern and then pressed a kiss to it. His mouth skimmed my collarbone before he searched out my mouth again.

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