Page 38 of Chasing Secrets

“Nothing you tell me will change how I feel about you, Theo. I honestly can’t even explain how I feel but from the moment I met you, I knew you were different. I knew you were going to makemedifferent. To make me want things I can’t have.” I laughed briefly as I realized where my thoughts were taking me. “I feel like that dog. I feel like I’ve been running for the longest time and every now and again I find someone to give me scraps that will keep me going, but then there are other times when it feels like no matter how fast or how far I run…”

I paused because the familiar pain in my chest began to radiate out to my limbs and it became harder to breathe. I stared at the cluster of leaves and dirt between my bent legs and tried to do the breathing exercises that were supposed to help me find myself again, but all I could hear in my head was the same voice.

Hisvoice.

Hiswords.

Please, Lincoln. Please.

“Lincoln, I need you to close your eyes for me, okay?” I knew that voice too. It haunted my dreams but in the best way. Just like the strong fingers that twined with mine. “Can you do that for me, please?”

I closed my eyes without hesitation and handed myself over to Theo completely.

“Can you try holding your breath for me?”

I wanted to tell him that I couldn’t hold my breath because I couldn’t fucking breathe, but when I felt soft lips graze my skin as the words “You can do this, sweetheart, I’m right here” were spoken into my ear, I held my breath.

It felt like a thousand years before Theo told me to breathe out. I thought I heard him counting but I wasn’t sure because it seemed like just seconds before he was telling me to hold my breath again. This time when I tried to pull in some oxygen to actually hold in my lungs, it didn’t hurt as much. I let out that meager breath when I was told and then started the process all over again.

By the time it was over and I no longer felt like I was suffocating, my mind began to take in my surroundings. Theo was pressed against my right side. His left arm was crossed over my right one and he was squeezing my fingers hard. His hand was rubbing circles into my denim-clad thigh.

“Better?” Theo asked.

I nodded. “Thank you,” I said. Shame coursed through me at my show of weakness. I was supposed to be there to support him. “I’ve seen panic attacks hundreds of times but that’s the first one I’ve ever had myself.”

“I’ve had hundreds of them but that’s the first time I’ve seen someone else have them,” he returned.

I looked at him and saw that he was smiling at me.

MyTheo was smiling at me.

It was brief but it was enough. He continued to hold my hand and lean against me. I was afraid to speak for fear of ruining whatever was happening between us.

“The dog just showed up. I didn’t even notice him at first. When I did, I guess… I guess I just didn’t care,” Theo admitted. “Next thing I know, he’s got his head in my lap. Maybe he thought I had food or something.”

“He came to you because he instinctively knew you wouldn’t hurt him. That he could trust you. I think he needed you as much as you needed him.”

Theo was quiet for a long time. “I can’t give him what he needs. What he deserves,” he said carefully.

“He’s probably thinking the same thing about himself,” I said, knowing that we were no longer talking about the dog.

“So where does that leave us?”

“Secrets,” I murmured. “I guess it’s about deciding whether you want to keep running from them or you want to start chasing them down one by one and putting an end to them.”

We both fell silent for a long time and just watched the water trickle endlessly by.

“Theo?” I said softly.

“Yeah?”

“I’m tired of running.”

CHAPTERFOURTEEN

THEO

I’m tired of running.

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