Page 30 of Chasing Secrets

The way he said it didn’t sound like a simple statement. It sounded like a question—like would he really see me tomorrow? I couldn’t help but wonder if he somehow knew that I spent every night lying in my bed, my bag packed, just waiting for the sounds of the house to die down as I thought about how to make my escape. But by morning I always woke up facing the open window as a light breeze lifted the thin curtains. The sunlight warmed my skin while the birds kept up a constant chatter that made me smile. And I never once looked at my packed bag until I was forced to get up and dig some clothes out so I could face the new day.

“See you tomorrow,” I confirmed. My voice was sincere and firm at the same time and I actually felt warmth permeate my bones because I’d finally told my friend the truth. Ford visibly relaxed, smiled, and nodded.

Unfortunately, any warmth I’d been feeling was gone by the time I reached the third floor and saw Lincoln’s closed door. I knew he wasn’t on the other side of it, but I couldn’t keep myself from approaching it and knocking. There was no answer, of course, so I tried the knob and found that he hadn’t locked the door. I opened the door cautiously, like I was expecting someone or something to jump out at me. I stepped only a few feet into the room because I didn’t want to invade the man’s privacy. Yet I couldn’t help but stare at the bed I’d spent so much time in as he’d treated me for the infection my overly ambitious use of the razor in the stall of the bus depot bathroom had caused. I could still feel Lincoln’s warm skin against mine, but it had always been too fleeting.

Not today, though.

He’d held my hand today. He’d told me things through his grip that he couldn’t say out loud. At one point he’d even run his thumb over mine. And then when he’d pulled me to my feet and we’d been so close, I swore I’d seen tiny flecks of gold in his sapphire eyes. My entire body had reacted to his closeness but for once, there was nothing in my mind forcing me to shut it down. No physical pain to remind me what I was feeling was wrong, no endless repetitions of scriptures until I lost the use of my voice, no memory of sitting in my own filth in a dark closet as my stomach screamed for food.

No, all I’d felt was the need for him to touch me, to kiss me, to whisper things in my ear that no one had ever said to me. I’d needed…him.

And he’d apparently needed someoneelse.

The proof of that was currently in front of me. An empty bed. The reality of knowing Lincoln was in someone else’s bed was like a slap to the face. I quickly did what I’d come into the room to do and set the plate with the cake on it on his nightstand. I barely remembered to leave the fork before hurrying out of the room and quietly closing the door behind me.

Before I even reached my own door, I was desperately snapping the band on my wrist, but the prick of pain wasn’t enough.

Not nearly enough.

I could feel the sting of tears as I dealt with the loss of something I’d never really even had. I ripped the band off my wrist and flung it aside as I entered my room, bypassed my bed and went straight to the bathroom where I’d left my shaving kit.

A hair tie.

A fucking hair tie!

As I searched through my bag for the pack of razor blades I knew would be there, my eyes caught on one of the black elastic bands on the vanity that Lincoln tied his hair back with every day. I remembered the moment he’d placed the one I’d just removed on my wrist. God, in what world had I been living when I’d allowed myself to hope that a round piece of elastic would ever be enough to take the place of the only thing I truly needed in my life?

As my hand closed around the small plastic case of razors, I reached over with my other hand to lock the bathroom door that led into Lincoln’s room.

Fuck Lincoln.

Fuck that stupid hair tie.

“Fuck it all,” I muttered as I slid one of the razors from its protective casing. The cool metal brought a small measure of relief, but knowing there was more to come was the thing that finally allowed one tear to escape and slide down my cheek.

CHAPTERELEVEN

LINCOLN

“Theo?” I called softly as I knocked on his bedroom door for the second time. It wasn’t overly late—just past ten p.m.—but I supposed itwasentirely possible he’d gone to bed already. I’d seen Cam and Ford in the living room when I’d gotten home but beyond a quick greeting, I hadn’t wanted to interrupt what had appeared to be an intimate conversation. As I’d walked past Lenny and Walter’s door, I’d heard the TV going and the two men arguing about how many Doritos Walter was feeding Puddles. Since they were clearly settled for the night, I’d hurried to the third floor with this weird hope that I’d see Theo’s door open so I would have an excuse to pop my head in and say hi.

To say that afternoon’s events had fucked with my head was an understatement. While I hadn’t exactly told Theo my life story, I’d shown him parts of myself that I never had with anyone else. The mere fact that I’d grabbed his wrist when he’d tried to leave while I’d been at my most vulnerable was proof enough that the young man had some kind of hold on me that no other person had, past or present.

I’d been disappointed when I’d reached the top step and seen that Theo’s door was closed, but when I’d gone into my own room and discovered the piece of cake sitting on my nightstand, I’d been elated. Since Ford and Cam knew I typically avoided sweets, the cake could have only come from one person. So I’d grabbed the plate and fork and hurried to Theo’s bedroom door.

My heart was beating erratically in my chest as I tried to make sense of what the simple gesture of leaving the cake on my nightstand had meant. I felt like a little kid squirming in his chair as he waited for the ringing of the bell that signified school was over and that an entire summer of freedom was waiting.

I debated knocking a third time but something in my gut had me reaching for the doorknob instead. I was surprised to find it unlocked. There was no light coming from beneath the door, but I ignored all the mental warnings telling me to leave it alone and go back to my room and twisted the knob fully then pushed the door open.

Though I hadn’t seen any light coming from the room, one of the lamps on the nightstand was turned on. It was a dimmable bulb so while I could see, I still had to let my eyes adjust. The first thing I noticed was that the bed was empty.

Sort of.

Theo’s bag was sitting on the bed. It looked like it had the first night when I’d retrieved it from his room while he’d been resting in my bed. The only difference was that it was zipped closed like it was ready to go. Its owner just needed to grab the handles and be off.

Despite the bag’s presence, I still had a sinking feeling as I searched the room for Theo. I finally found him sitting on the window seat that overlooked the yard. He had his knees pulled up against his body and his head was tipped so his temple was resting against the glass. He didn’t look at me or acknowledge me in any way as I stepped into the room and closed the door behind me. I was about to say his name in case he actually wasn’t aware of me but before I could, my eyes shifted to something sitting on the bedspread just a few inches from the packed bag.

A hair tie.

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