Page 22 of Chasing Secrets

Iliked the way the sun felt on my arms as its warm rays filtered through the dense canopy of leaves above my head. So much so that after taking a quick look around to make sure I was alone, I stripped off the heavy hoodie I wore pretty much twenty-four seven. In Minneapolis, I’d worn the thing because I’d always felt cold, even on the warmest of summer days. Since arriving in Pelican Bay, the hoodie had served an additional purpose—to hide the scars that ran up and down my forearms. No one in the city would have given two shits if I’d walked around in just a t-shirt and jeans. In fact, in the area I’d lived in, you’d learnednotto notice other people.

Such a thing wasn’t even a possibility in the small town of Pelican Bay, let alone the chaotic household my former best friend and his lover called home.

But out here among the trees, I’d taken to shedding the heavy material during the last few days as I’d explored the woods behind Cam and Ford’s house. I’d started off on the well-used trails just to get a feel for the area but had begun to stray deeper into the denser part of the forest. Despite there being less sun to bathe my skin in warmth, I felt freer somehow. Like people had been forcing me to walk in the light my entire life even though what I felt inside was nothing but darkness.

As I wrapped the hoodie around my waist and tied the sleeves together, I couldn’t help but notice how thin my forearms looked. I almost laughed out loud when I realizedthatwas the first thing I was noticing, not the big-ass scar on my right arm that was still in the process of scabbing over.

Lincoln had noticed my arms. Not just the scars but how bony and frail they looked.

Just like he’d noticed how I’d struggled to eat even a few bites of the spaghetti the night before.

He noticed too much.

I shook my head as even the thought of the man had butterflies dancing in my stomach. I hadn’t been alone with Lincoln for a week—a fact that had pissed me off instead of leaving me filled with relief like it should have—and I’d still been just as aware of him as I had when he’d been treating my arm. I’d known he was watching the night before when it came to how much food I’d been putting in my mouth versus how much I’d been just toying with to make it look like I was eating. I’d ended up taking a few bites of the food without even really realizing it but that night as I’d sat in bed and listened to Lincoln move around in our joint bathroom, I felt like he’d somehow played me.

Except he hadn’t.

I’d eaten that food because I’d wanted to.

Not because I’d chosen to or chosen not to.

No, it’d been because I’d fucking felt safe enough that I hadn’t needed to choose. I’d justdoneit. I’d had only the briefest of moments where I’d fought that inner voice that had told me if I ate the food, it would be the same as not being able to run a blade over my skin.

I’d have no control.

I’d have no choice.

I’d be backthere.

A shiver threatened to steal away all the warmth I’d been feeling but I managed to ignore it as I wound my way through the trees.

Cam and Ford’s property seemed endless despite Ford telling me it was only about twenty acres.

Onlytwenty acres.

I’d managed to hide my surprise at his comment but having lived in places where there was more cement than grass most of my life, I’d been strangely excited to be off and exploring even as Ford had explained what was in each direction. I was glad when Ford hadn’t offered to come with me that first day despite clearly wanting to. He and I hadn’t talked for more than a few minutes since I’d arrived in Pelican Bay, which had been fine by me.

My encouragement that he must’ve had better things to do than babysit his new houseguest seemed to have gotten my message across.

The truth was that keeping myI’m great despite everything that happened since he’d punched me in that shed years agomask in place was getting harder and harder every time I was around the young man who’d been my everything when we’d been kids.

For his part, Ford had respected my wishes and merely suggested which ponds and streams I should check out.

He wasn’t very good at masks.

Like,at all.

I suspected Cam had a lot to do with that. Not to mention their makeshift little family. It was hard to hide that kind of joy.

That passion.

Love.

Happiness.

I sighed as I began making my way toward the tiny waterfall and narrow stream I’d discovered the day before. It was a good half-mile walk, but despite how tired the exercise left me feeling, I needed that waterfall, that stream. I needed to hear the water caress the rocks; I needed to watch as the birds tentatively landed by the stream to take a drink. I needed to sit perfectly still as the forest eventually forgot my presence and came alive around me. It wasn’t like I was some fairytale princess covered in birds and surrounded by rabbits and such, but seeing even the tiniest of creatures peek its head out from its hiding place and approach the water despite my presence made me feel more alive than I had since Ford and I had kissed for the first time when we’d been teenagers.

The smile that tugged at my mouth felt foreign to me. In truth, I hadn’t thought much about my friendship-turned-more with Ford in a long time. I hadn’t allowed myself to. My friendship with Ford had been the brightest spot in my life for as long as I could remember. From the moment we’d met, no one would have called us two peas in a pod. Ford had always believed what he’d been told to believe while I’d always asked questions. Even though Ford had rarely had the answers to my endless queries, he’d always smiled and shaken his head. Then he’d walk me directly to the library, depending on whose hometown we were in, and sit for hours trying to help me find the answers to those endless questions.

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