Page 63 of Chasing Secrets

“No!” I somehow managed to scream when I saw the neatly dressed orderly preparing the projector and the strange little box attached to it. Icy-cold water blasted me, washing away the shit where it clung to my body, and then I was in the chair. I fought with every last bit of strength I had as I was strapped to the chair while Father Abbott prayed for me. The room began to go dark so that the images on the slides would be easy to see. I closed my eyes and thought about the sharp strip of wood I’d managed to break off the doorframe of my cell. I could feel it digging into my skin. The pain nearly stole my breath when the wood finally pierced my flesh and blood began to flow down my arm. Exhaustion swept over me and something soft brushed over the skin of my forehead. I sighed in relief as I slipped beneath the dark blanket of sleep.

I was at peace now, but even in sleep I knew it wouldn’t last. I’d need the blood and pain to come to my aid again soon enough.

CHAPTERTWENTY-FIVE

LINCOLN

“Are you sure he doesn’t need to go to the hospital?” Ford asked me as he clung to Theo’s hand.

“He’ll be drowsy for a little while when the sedative starts wearing off, but I don’t think he’ll have another panic attack. At least not like this one,” I said grimly as I rested my hand on Theo’s arm. I was sitting in a chair on one side of his bed while Ford was doing the same on the other side. “He may not even remember what caused this one,” I added.

I sure as shit hoped I was right. As a medical professional, I knew the panic attack wouldn’t have actually killed Theo, but as the man who loved him more than anything else, I’d been so fucking scared in those seconds that it had taken for Cam to run up to my room to get my medical bag so I could sedate Theo. I’d tried everything to pull him out of it, but he hadn’t looked at me even once. I didn’t know if he’d been having a legitimate hallucination or something more like a nightmare, but whatever it had been, it had shown how damaged Theo’s mind really was.

His screams had woken the entire household. Cam had taken care of keeping everyone from rushing into the kitchen, and when things had calmed down after I’d injected the sedative, Cam had gathered everyone but Ford in another room to explain the situation. Theo was light enough that I’d been able to carry him up the stairs, but I’d been glad to have Ford’s hand against my elbow to support me if I’d lost balance or stepped wrong.

From the moment I’d woken up to find Theo gone, I’d been on an adrenaline high, and it was only now that I was starting to crash. As tired as I was, though, I couldn’t take my eyes off the man who now owned my heart. I kept checking his pulse to make sure it was steady and strong.

Theo’s level of fear that the fuckers who’d hurt him would come after him if he told anyone about what had been done to him had scared me to death. He’d been talking so fast that I hadn’t even understood all of it, but I’d been helpless to calm him or reassure him that he was and always would be safe.

I’d understood his need to tell Cam about the conversion camp. With his memories of his life there starting to surface, his guilt that he’d never told anyone the truth about how kids were being treated in that place had started to surface too. After I’d settled Theo in his bed and gotten him comfortable, Ford hadn’t been able to do anything but stare at his friend’s scarred arms. I’d been grateful when Cam had appeared and forced Ford to accompany him to their room so they could talk. The guilt of not knowing how bad Theo had really had it was crushing Ford’s spirit, something Cam had clearly known when he’d come to get him. I’d seen it for myself when Cam had led him from the room just as I could still see it now.

“He doesn’t blame you for any of it, Ford,” I said quietly. “He told me what happened in that shed and while your reaction to Jimmy’s arrival caught him off guard, he understood why you did it,” I murmured, hoping to alleviate some of his guilt.

“I knew there was something off with him when Cam and I went to see him. I should have pressed him harder, but I didn’t feel like I had the right.” Ford looked up from where he’d been staring at his and Theo’s linked fingers. “I need the truth, Lincoln. The hard truth. The truth that he’ll try to downplay when he wakes up. I’m not asking for details that he’s trusted only you with, but Cam keeps telling me I need to forgive myself. I can’t do that if I don’t know what really happened. Theo will try to spare my feelings. But you, you love him. I can see it in the way you look at him. I need you to give me the anger, the hurt, the pain that he never will. Cam feels my pain even though he wasn’t around for any of it, so I know you feel Theo’s.”

As much as I hated to admit it, Ford was right. There had been a tiny part of me that, for a few minutes at least, had held Ford at least partially accountable for what had happened to Theo. But that feeling had gone away the more I’d remembered what I’d learned about Ford’s older brother, Jimmy, and how he’d treated Ford both as a kid and even in the months before Ford met Cam. I could and would give Ford the information he needed so he could start dealing with the emotions the truth stirred up but, in the end, the entire thing was something Theo and Ford would need to work out between themselves when both of them were strong enough.

“I’ll answer as much as I can without breaking his trust,” I said. “And yes, I love him and I’m angry about what was done to him, but you were a scared kid, Ford, and I hold no animosity toward you. The fact that you sought him out after all these years to beg for his forgiveness proves how much you care about him.”

Ford let out a watery laugh as he dashed at his eyes with his free hand. “We met at Bible camp. Did he tell you that? It was pure luck that he lived only a few towns away. Anyway, he constantly had his hand up when the teacher would finish reading a passage or explaining a scripture’s meaning or whatever. He wasn’t being intentionally contradictory when he’d point out things that weren’t logical. It was just the way his mind worked. He couldn’t believe something just because a nun or priest or his parents or some book told him he should. It was why he was so good at math and science in school. He was good at everything, but he wanted to teach math and science when he grew up.”

I found myself smiling at his description of Theo because it was spot-on. Theo hadn’t told me he’d wanted to be a teacher, though. He’d simply said he was still trying to figure things out.

Ford’s smile fell away, and he went silent for a handful of seconds. “That day in the shed when Jimmy caught us, Theo told you what I did to him, right?”

I nodded.

He sucked in a breath. “After that, I ran. I was so afraid of Jimmy that I didn’t even consider that he might go after Theo in some way. I mean, it seemed like I was the only one he ever…” Ford shook his head as if the rest of what he was going to say was unimportant. “Theo told me Jimmy just threatened him after I left; that he scared him but didn’t hurt him.” He paused and nodded as he said, “He lied about that, didn’t he? Jimmydidhurt him.”

“Yes, he did. He hit Theo and he broke his arm.”

Ford let out a little gasp and then dropped his head to Theo’s hand. I could hear him whispering “I’m sorry” over and over again. It was a long time before he spoke again, and this time he didn’t look up at me. “He told me he was only in that camp for a few months. How long was he really there?”

I hesitated because I knew how much my answer was going to hurt Ford. “Three years,” I finally managed to get out. “He refused to say he’d been cured and that he was straight, so they kept him there until he admitted it.”

He began to sob. I expected him to ask me what they’d done to Theo in that place, but he didn’t. I was glad for that because I wouldn’t have told him any specifics. Ford was a smart guy and had already put enough pieces together to know that Theo had been hiding so much more than little white lies. That he wasstillhiding things.

Movement beneath my hand caught my attention, and I looked up just in time to see Theo’s eyes open and then close again. He did it a few more times as his brain worked to rid itself of the sedative. He smiled when he saw me, but it didn’t last long because there was no missing the sound of Ford’s sobs.

I expected Theo to be angry that not only had I forcibly sedated him but also that at least one of his secrets was out in the open. But the expression that passed over his face as he watched Ford sob into the bed linens even as he clutched Theo’s hand was anything but angry.

“Ford,” he called, but between the sedative and his throat probably being sore from his screams during his panic attack, it barely even came out as a whisper. “Ford,” Theo repeated, this time a little louder. He also tugged his hand free of Ford’s so he could run his fingers against Ford’s hair.

Ford jerked his eyes up. “Theo,” he said softly as he stiffened in his chair, likely because he was expecting some kind of explosion of anger.

“You gotta come up here ’cause I’m too tired to move,” Theo said wearily right before he held his arms out as best he could. Ford began to cry even harder and then he carefully wrapped his arms around Theo’s body. Theo closed his eyes for a moment as he savored the embrace. I knew there was no sexual attraction between the men anymore. Ford was far too in love with Cam to even look at another man, and I hadn’t seen even an ounce of heat in Theo’s eyes anytime he’d looked at Ford.

Theo opened his eyes and sought me out once again.

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