Page 58 of Chasing Secrets

Lincoln paused and dropped his eyes. I knew he was fighting to get control of his emotions, so I reached my hand out to cup his cheek. Several long seconds passed before he turned his head and pressed a kiss to my palm.

“If it had been anyone else who’d shown up that day, I would have let them go after they got the hint that I wasn’t in a talking mood. But you… you were different. I’m sorry, sweetheart, but I’m going to have to break my promise. When I saw that it was you, I needed your strength. While I was treating you for that infection, I saw the marks on your back. You couldn’t have done them yourself. They were just further proof of what a strong man you are. And I know what some of those conversion camps do to ‘fix’ people like us. You survived that too.”

I shook my head. “Lincoln, I can’t—”

“Do you remember that first night after you arrived? When I found you in the bathroom? You were already pretty sick at that point. I wanted to take you to a hospital, but you refused. You didn’t want my help either. I forced you to choose, do you remember?”

“I chose you,” I confirmed.

“You may have been forced to choose me that night, but that day by the stream wasn’t a choice for me. Falling in love with you wasn’t a choice. I knew in my gut that you were the one I’d been searching for my whole life. I knew you were strong enough to help me carry the burden of what I’d done. I knew you wouldn’t let me drown under the weight of all that guilt and grief. And you didn’t, baby. You made me think about things that I hadn’t even considered. You didn’t dismiss what I felt and tell me to move on. You made it okay for Rabbit to be a part of my life even though he’s gone. I hear him now, Theo. Sometimes I think I even feel him. All I’d wanted to do was forget but you made me want to remember.”

I could feel the tears stinging the backs of my eyes because I knew in my gut Lincoln was telling me the truth. Hedidlove me. Hedidneed me.

“Theo, look at me,” Lincoln demanded. I didn’t even realize I’d looked down at the ground until he ordered me to lift my eyes.

I did.

“I will love you no matter what you tell me. I will love you if you decide you never want to tell me anything. I will love you if you believe you aren’t good enough for me. I will love you if you walk away from me. I will love you every day for the rest of my days whether you choose to build a life with me or not. I’m sorry, sweetheart, but you don’t get a say in that. And even if you don’t feel the way I do, I’m always here for you. To listen, to hold you, to fight beside you, to stand in front of you… friends first. Friends always.”

“I…” I whispered as I shook my head because I just couldn’t believe the passion behind everything he said. He meant every word.

Lincoln’s face fell and he shifted back, releasing me from the gentle prison of his arms. I felt the loss immediately.

“Come on, let’s get you back to the house. It’s getting late.”

The politeness of his words pissed me off. I shoved him hard. “Are you fucking kidding me?” I snapped, not caring if I was drawing attention to us or not. “You say all that shit to me in the middle of a parking lot of a custard stand with two huge-ass cherry-topped boobs and then you offer to drive me home and that’s it?” I shoved him again, but this time Lincoln was ready for it and braced himself so that he was able to stay exactly where he was. He grabbed my arms and held me against his body.

His heat and the gentle way he was holding on to me had me quieting. “I can’t give you what you deserve, Lincoln,” I admitted. He had to force my eyes up again because all the anger and passion had drained out of me in an instant only to be replaced with despair.

“Theo, I meant what I said. If you don’t feel the same way—”

“I’m not talking about that. I… I didn’t know what it meant to be in love. I’d read about it, but I’d never felt it. But I get it now. Cam and Ford, Lenny and Walter…” I shook my head. “I get it now. I do love you like that, Lincoln. The kind of love that lasts forever, whether you’re apart for decades like Walter and Lenny were or you’re lucky enough to find it right in front of you like Cam and Ford. I love you so much it feels like I can’t breathe when you’re not around. But I can’t give you what you deserve,” I repeated, wishing my words were enough to convince him that I did love him.

“Tell me why,” Lincoln demanded.

I closed my eyes because I couldn’t drop them since he still had a hold of my chin. I could feel the tears sliding down my cheeks as the shame consumed me.

“Because they took everything from me in that place… everything.”

CHAPTERTWENTY-THREE

LINCOLN

He’d refused to say another word to me after that. Even now as I lay alone in bed, I could still envision the despair that was consuming him. I had a pretty good idea of what he’d meant when he’d said the fuckers who’d tried to change him had taken everything from him, but I needed him to say the words. And for whatever reason, he still couldn’t do it.

It would be an obstacle in our relationship for sure, but whether he believed it or not, Theo was mine now and nothing—abso-fucking-lutely nothing—would change that.

Ever.

After his admission, he’d tugged free of my hold and quietly walked to the passenger side of the car.

I hadn’t been lying when I’d said I’d waited in the driveway for him to return that morning. When he hadn’t, I’d gone into extreme panic mode and had run back up to the house to borrow a phone since Theo had taken mine. I’d thanked whatever deity had urged me to buy a new car with all the bells and whistles even though I typically just drove boring, older cars. The luxury sedan had come with the ability to link to an app that would provide information on the car, including where it was located. Although I’d recognized the address, I’d waited several minutes so I could refresh the app and see if his location changed.

It hadn’t.

Not for the first hour.

Not during the second one either.

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