Page 44 of Chasing Secrets

“Sorry if I interrupted,” I managed to say, though I knew the words sounded overly polite, and the right thing to do would have been to go to both men, shake Sawyer’s hand and make small talk before excusing myself. But even if I’d had time for that, escape was still the only thing on my mind. “I’ll let you get back to your talk,” I said before they could even respond to my apology and then I was striding toward the house.

I fully expected to have to try and turn on the charm when I heard voices coming from inside the house but when I walked in, I realized there was an intense and loud conversation already in progress between Cam and what sounded like Walter. I quickly made my way to the stairs and finally took what felt like my first breath when I made it to the third floor without anyone calling my name. I rushed into my room and closed the door, then locked it. Next, I went to the bathroom. I locked the door on my side before hurrying to the door that opened into Lincoln’s bedroom. I locked that one too, so he’d have no way to get into the bathroom.

I automatically reached into my shaving kit for the razor blade I’d used the night before, but once I had it out on the countertop, all I could do was stare at it.

It was all wrong. Whatever was raging inside of me had nothing to do with me. I looked at my reflection in the mirror and saw tears streaming down my face.

I hurt.

Badly.

But not for myself.

I didn’t feel ice cold, I felt hot. And helpless. And so fucking sad.

I shook my head in disbelief as it hit me.

“Lincoln,” I whispered before letting out a harsh sob. I stifled the sound by slapping my hand over my mouth. I felt my knees starting to give out, so I stumbled to the shower. Thankfully, despite the bathroom having an old-fashioned tub with a shower in it, Cam and Ford had updated the space to add a more modern walk-in shower. I faintly remembered Ford mentioning their plans to rip out the tub at some point and put in a freestanding one, but I didn’t really care about that at the moment. I didn’t need a good soak in a warm bath.

No.

I needed so much fucking more than that.

CHAPTERSEVENTEEN

LINCOLN

Ifigured every emotion known to man was wound in a tight knot in my belly as I worked to pop the lock on the bathroom door. Thankfully, it was one of the easy kinds where you merely needed to use the end of a paperclip to push through the small locking mechanism that would make the button pop open on the other side. Even though it took less than thirty seconds to get the door open, it felt like a lifetime, especially since all I could hear coming from inside the bathroom was the sound of running water.

Sure, it could be something as simple as Theo just taking a shower but after everything that had just happened, my mind couldn’t really settle on the most logical possibility.

When I’d awoken to find him lying across my torso, his ear pressed to my chest, presumably so he could listen to my heart, I’d felt emotionally wrung out but strangely content too. Like all was as it should be. I hadn’t cared that damp leaves and dirt were soaking through the back of my shirt or that I’d been gone from the house for much longer than I should have been. All I’d cared about was that Theo was still there. That his lighter weight on top of me had made me feel safe and protected. That his fingers had been exploring the hair on my forearm.

Telling Theo the truth about my past hadn’t really changed anything. Rabbit was still dead. I’d failed him by leaving him when he’d needed me most and again by not recognizing how much he was suffering while I’d been overseas serving my country. I hadn’t magically forgotten his cries of pain, his fears about the process of dying, his guilt over knowing what it would do to me. I still felt him in my arms as his final weak breath brushed over the back of my hand. I could still hear my own screams of anguish that I’d finally been allowed to release as I’d held my little brother’s lifeless body in my arms on the same day that we should have been celebrating his birth eighteen years earlier and welcoming him into the life of legally being considered an adult.

I still remembered every single fucking moment of that day.

All that pain and hurt and guilt were still there but I didn’t feel so alone anymore. I’d let that dam break apart but I hadn’t had to do it alone. Theo’s presence, his words, his touch… they’d made it real. They’d made it okay to start accepting all the emotions that had come with what the logical side of my brain had come to terms with a long time ago. And I hadn’t felt like I’d had to start putting that dam together again. I was flooded with so many emotions all at once that it would probably take a lifetime to sort through them all, but at least I had that now. Swimming was better than drowning and I’d been drowning for a long time.

As Theo had lain across my body, I’d been able to tell that he wasn’t asleep, and despite having only known him a couple weeks, I knew him well enough to know that his mind had to have been spinning with thoughts.

I’d been surprised by his answer when I’d asked him what he’d been thinking about. But from the moment I’d said Theo’s strength reminded me of Rabbit’s, everything had gone to hell. I’d felt Theo’s emotional withdrawal even before he’d physically moved away from me. I’d assumed he was worried I was going to make him tell me things about himself, especially when he’d said we should get back to the house.

Even as his emotional distance had widened with every second that passed, I couldn’t let him leave without making him understand the gift he’d given me. I supposed a part of me had hoped the kiss and my words of gratitude would have made something inside of him shift enough that he’d come back to me. Even if it had meant we’d just walk back to the house together, I would have been thrilled with that.

But then he’d spewed that response as if he’d been nothing more than a stranger giving me directions.

I hadn’t been able to keep up with him when he’d run. His body was so much leaner than mine that he’d been able to weave between trees much faster than I could. I’d called out to him a few times but there’d been no response. I’d slowed my pace somewhat but had still been in a hurry to get back to the house. I’d only briefly greeted Ford and Sawyer who’d been chatting by the fire pit, and I’d ignored the argument that had been going on in the living room. I hadn’t been surprised that Theo had locked his door and I’d fully expected to find that he’d locked the door from his side of the bathroom leading into his room as well. But when I’d found the bathroom door on my side locked and had heard the water running, the jumble of thoughts in my head had coalesced into just one—God, please, please don’t take him from me too.

The first thing I saw when I got the door open was the razor blade sitting on the countertop. That little shine of silver had me going right to the shower expecting to find the worst.

What I found had my blood running cold despite the scene not being the one I’d been fearing.

Theo was sitting against the shower wall in his usual position—knees up, arms cradling his body, head down. He was fully dressed with his shoes still on and there wasn’t a spot of blood anywhere. Not on him, not running down the drain, nothing.

My relief was short-lived as I realized why he was in the shower in the first place. The sound of the multiple shower nozzles, including the rain shower one above his head, helped muffle the harsh sobs that fell from the mouth he had his hand slapped over.

All the anger I’d been feeling at his abrupt departure flowed right down the drain along with the tears he was shedding. I walked into the shower and dropped to my knees in front of him, not caring about the water soaking my clothes instantly. The water wasn’t even set to warm… it was painfully cold. I quickly reached up to change the temperature on the digital display and then pulled Theo into my arms and turned our bodies so that most of the warm water was hitting him. He didn’t fight me at all. In fact, he wrapped his arms around my neck and sobbed against my shoulder. Every few moments he’d say the same word over and over.

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