Page 130 of Fire and Ice

"You are not going anywhere!" Jack roared. This was not happening.This was not fucking happening.

She ignored him. She picked up the passport and Russian currency and stuffed them into her purse.

He grabbed her shoulders and shook her. He had never done this before, but he was in a very, very bad place right now. Confused, angry and scared.

"Can you stop for a minute and tell me what the fuck is going on?" Jack growled.

Maia's face turned to granite. "Okay. I'm leaving for a mission. I can't tell you what, who, where, why. I may not be able to call you. And I'll be back in approximately three weeks. If I miss that plane, I'll put lives at stake and if you can stop being selfish for a minute, you can get out of my fuckin' way!"

Jack felt like she had slapped him. His hands dropped to his sides in defeat. Maia stalked to the bedroom, grabbed her duffel bag and her purse.

"Do you need a ride?" Jack asked quietly.

"I called a cab," Maia said shortly as she pushed the button for the elevator.

Jack walked up to her, afraid to touch her because he might not be able to let her go.

"I love you, babe. Please be careful."

The elevator arrived sooner than Jack would have liked it to. Maia stepped in, looked back at him and smiled weakly.

"I love you too, Jack."

CHAPTER NINETEEN

She left me. She just left me. Jack stared dumbly at the elevators and stood there for what felt like an eternity. He was hoping that it would open at any moment and she would choose to come back and forget her god damn assignment. Or maybe he was in a nightmare and he would just wake up.

When it was apparent that she was not coming back, Jack slowly marched to their bedroom like a zombie and sank down on the bed. He buried his face in his hands feeling like he was going to shatter with some emotion he couldn't quite handle.

It was anger, anger and some form of betrayal. Why was he angry at Maia? Wasn't this what they had agreed upon? That he would not interfere with her job? That he had understood the consequences of getting involved with her? Everyone had warned him—Derek, Viktor and Maia herself.

Or maybe it was anger at himself for constantly lying to Maia when he said he was OK with her job and its associated risks, when truthfully he wasn't?

Suddenly he felt exhausted ... mentally, physically and emotionally drained. He crawled into bed, still in his work clothes, and inhaled the scent of her on the sheets. And then he fell asleep.

Jack dragged himself to work for the next three days. It had been painful to wake up in in the mornings to a cold empty bed. He just wanted to lay there and stare at the ceiling. Is this what he had been reduced to? Someone adrift with no direction? He forced himself to get out of bed and get ready for work. He nicked himself a couple of times shaving, and decided to give up for the time being.

He'd been a robot for the past few days, just signing papers, responding to phone calls with little enthusiasm andsimply breathing but not feeling any life in him.

Derek was coming in today after an extended vacation past the New Year. Perhaps his friend would be able to kick some sense into him.

"So are you growing a beard, Jack?" Derek asked as he moseyed into his office. "Everyone seemed relieved that I'm back, said you weren't yourself. So what's up?"

"She's gone," Jack replied dully. Not looking at his friend but just scribbling idly on a notepad, he told him what had gone down when Maia left.

"Ah...I thought you were okay with that part of her life," Derek said tentatively.

The spark seemed to return to his body, or was it rage?

"Obviously, I lied!" Jack snapped. "Why would she leave like that? Can you explain that to me? Why would she do that if she loved me? No matter how you look at it, the way she just left me, like I was some meaningless fuck, was totally screwed up. Do you know that I feel anger towards her? I should be worried, but no, I am angry at her. What does that say about me?"

"Jack ..."

"What does that say about me that I am feeling anger instead of worry?" Jack repeated in an anguished whisper.

"Jack, maybe you're angry because she put you in a situation where you're worried about her and there's nothing you can do to protect her," Derek said quietly. "Does that makes sense?"

Jack threw his pen on the table and raked his fingers through his hair. "I'm not like this. I can handle this better. It's her job and I have to understand it."

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