Feeling Max’s eyes on me, I realise he's never seen me do this before. He never saw me breastfeed. “Kelly wouldn’t latch for ages.” I offer some insight, hoping he’ll feel more included in this experience. “But…” I trail off as my little boy’s mouth starts to suckle. It won’t let-down just yet, but it will soon. He’ll make it happen. “He’s going to do just fine. Typical boy.” I laugh, but I’m tired, so it’s a little breathy. Max lowers his lips to my forehead, kissing my skin.

Instantly, I miss Kelly.

It’s a longing I get when she’s away; all the little pieces that make up Kelly are connected to me, like this baby is, like Max Butcher is.Our thingis all four of us now.

“Kelly?” I say, my head hitting the mattress, and I rest my eyes for just a moment.

* * *

“Daddy.” I hear Kelly’s voice, but I don’t open my eyes yet, breathing deeply in and out on the mattress. “Should I tell him that I love him? Because I do.”

“Sure.”

I open my eyes to the sight of Max rocking our son back and forth, and Kelly perched on the armrest with her feet in her dad’s lap. She looks down at her new little brother. “But doesn’t that mean something bad?” she asks innocently. “Like I won’t be showing him? Like I’m gonna leave or somethin’?”

“Hi,” I breathe so they know I’m awake.

Max’s eyes shoot to me, and I want to leap into his arms and have him hold and kiss me, but my lower half still feels numb, so that curbs my impulses.

“Little one,” is all he says, but his tone is deep and adoring. The way he says “little one” has always been reverent; a soul’s worth of love strained through each letter. He returns his gaze to our daughter. “Kel, you should say whatever you want.” There is a pause while he searches her questioning gaze. “Does it bother you? That I don’t say it to you. Do you understand why?”

“No.” Her voice is dubious. “Yes. I don’t know. You are a horse’sstable. Right?” I have no idea what she’s talking about. “That is what it means. You don’t say it ‘cause I cancounton my fingers that you will be what I need? Right?”

I try not to laugh.

He sighs roughly, and then he says, “I’m stable, hard, too, like most stable things. I’m hard on myself. Love is too good for me. But it’s not for you. I love you, Kel.” My lower lip wobbles with happiness because I’ve never heard him say the words. Not once. I cover my mouth to hold the whimpering inside. “I love you immensely and completely,” he declares. “You should hear the words. Not saying them was a promise I made your mum.” His eyes hit mine, and I lower my hand so he can see my happiness. “A promise to never need to say them; I would alwaysshow her,” he says to me, then returns his gaze to Kel. “Your mum and I were ripped apart for a time, and I found those words hard to say before I left. I was— I wasn’t sure what they meant. I had a very different upbringing to you. Istillfind them hard to say—they are not enough. They fall short of what I feel for you three. But I don’t want you to wake up one day and think my dad never told me he loves me. You should hear it. I love you, Kel.”

“You deserve love, Max,” I say to him.

“Yeah, Daddy. I love you.”

A quiet smile touches Max’s lips. “The words sound good.” He looks down at his son, who sleeps soundly like a typical newborn. “I want him to be able to say them, little one. I don’t want him to be like me.”

“I do,” I declare straightaway, and Max’s grey-blue gaze returns to me, warming all the contradictory parts of me that love all the contradictory parts of him. “I hope he is exactly like you, Menace.”

CHAPTERTEN

fawn

9thMonth

The sheets are cold. A jarring sensation given my pregnant body is otherwise prickling with warmth and drenched in perspiration.

In my hazy sleep state, I recall altering the air-conditioner last night, but I'm certain I didn't switch it off. I reach out, seeking Sir’s hard, muscular form, but find his side of the bed empty but for a slight dip—a small patch where his body recently warmed.

Moaning, I slowly come to.

Awareness circles me in that moment; my toes, my body, all the parts of me hum to life, and I immediately sit up. Something feels different. I feel lighter—Yet, heavier at the same time.Heavier… lower…

Searching the room, I find the wall lights casting a dim glow below them and Clay's eyes locked on me as though viscerally fixed. Watching. Wait.

For what, Sir?

He’s naked but for a pair of jeans sitting around his toned hips. “Little deer.” His blue gaze softens on me, his concern smoothing to trained control.

Peering wide-eyed down at the sheets, I feel my heart contract. I clutch at it. Rub it. Without even seeing the mess, I know my lower half is wet.

“It’s okay, sweet girl.”